Haven't posted in a few days.. I was quite upset yesterday that H asked me if he could the boys away to a cottage for the august long weekend. That bothers me for a number of reason - first he would be going with a bunch of other families from work (mainly women and their families)..As much as I know it would be purely innocent - and he knows that our 5yo would tell me anything - in the back of my head, I think I will always wonder if there is someone else. Secondly, I don't know these people AT ALL. And this Mama Bear is very protective. My kids are still very young, and H has never spent an extended period of time taking care of them without the help of his mother or sister. He's very responsible and I know in my heart they will be fine, but still.. something feels wrong about it. And finally I keep thinking that I should be going with them. This is the stuff that I love doing and that we would always do as a family. So that stung pretty bad. Not to mention, this means I will be stuck home alone for the long weekend, and all my friends already have plans. There is going to be NOBODY around that weekend, and I'm worried that I am going to wallow all weekend, and I am worried that I am going to worry all weekend b/c I won't have enough distractions... Anyways, I'm already not as upset as I was yesterday, so I'm sure I'll get over it. Im just sick of all these 'slaps in the face'. It just feels like everyday I'm getting hit with some new reality of what my life without H has become, and the fact that he's totally GAL - way better than I am. And I of course know the reason why - b/c he has TIME, I always have the kids.
Okay anyways, beyond that, things have been 'okay'. H has actually been a bit a little bit more back to normal this week. Our grass is pretty much dead b/c he was always the one to care for the lawn, and quite frankly I'm busy enough chasing after an almost-2-year old and a 5 yo to be worried about that. Anyways, he's been on me all week to water it - its REALLY bothering him how dead it is. I seriously don't know why he cares. He doesn't live here. A few other (very small) things I've noticed this week. Even though I don't contact him unless I HAVE to - ie house stuff, or kid stuff, and its always thru text or email, but this week he's actually called me 3 times about stuff rather than emailing me or texting me back. Convos were light and he didn't necessarily sound happy to be talking to me, but he also hasn't called me in about a month. Another thing, once the kids go to bed, the last week or so, he started lying on our bed beside me for about 5 minutes before he leaves and he started kissing me on the forehead again. Also last night he kept staring at me, and then told me he liked my top (a summer tube top, but pretty low cut), and kept staring at my it (well my chest lol) the entire time he was here and even shook his head at me one time (which is his version of 'you look hot').
Anyways, right now I'm torn. I know the things I just listed are so unbelievably minor, and I've recently (finally) accepted there is no hope - but then little tiny stuff like that happens and my mind starts racing, and I wonder if there is even a glimmer of hope. At this point though, I don't even think I want hope. All hope has done for me so far has caused me pain when I start to get my hopes up and my bubble bursts, so to speak.
I religiously read all the other posts on the board - just not so good at commenting b/c I just don't feel qualified, but there are so many situations that I see hope. And I dont want to be the one that is still DB'ing 5 years from now when he's married with children to another woman. IDK, I'm torn on this hope thing. I'm so sick of this hurting.. I find myself wondering more than not lately why I even want to reconcile. As 25 always says 'become the woman only a fool would leave'. Well I feel like I'm almost at that point - excuse the conceit but I'm worked really hard, and always had self esteem issues, so I often have to remind myself that I AM a great catch, I AM a great mother, I AM attractive. I AM funny. I AM Canadian (sorry couldn't resist). And he's the idiot for not seeing any of that. Sigh.
