Hi Everyone, Im just going to through in the towel and give up. I cant take the hurt and sadness and no progress in trying to save this marriage. Ive done all the DB techniques over and over. The 180, going dark, etc. It hasnt changed anything. My H walked away after being caught having an out of town A. He doesnt know how to deal with his being caught so has decided to just walk away. I cant handle the silence from him. Ive tried so hard. I take some responsibility in our not so perfect marriage. I own what I think I have done. But truthfully I really dont know what I have done because he has never told me. I would anything to save this and have tried. I wish I could drag him to see Michele because really I think that is the only hope their is. But I dont see that happening. I just cant take this anymore. I wish he would give us a chance. He is not the man I married. I want to hate him but I cant. I have great support from our three children. I know as much as they say they want nothing to do with him deep down they miss their dad. I just wish their was a way. He is gone. It hurts. Beyone my soul it hurts. I wish these DB techniques worked. I wish I couldve had the chance for us to meet with Michele. Maybe just maybe. So maybe I tell him he won this one and wish him the best. Its not what I want but I am worn out physically and emotionally. You would think it would be alot easier to end an out of state A than a marriage of 29 years. I guess not.
Rue, I am so sorry your are in the pit of despair right now. I am so sorry your H. is unresponsive to anything you've done. IMHO and it is humble, I wouldn't bother contacting him to tell him anything. He's gone Rue. The good news? Time to think about you and what you want out of the rest of your life. ((((Rue))))
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
I read through your other thread and I just wanted to tell you how much I relate to your situation. I can totally understand how you feel about everything: your H's radical personality change, his abandonment, his coldness, his giving up his own children (I have no children, but my ex-partner was very close with my young nephews and they ask about him constantly and beg to call him/see him but he refuses to speak with them), and his "running away" in general.
I've thought about your situation and your heartbreak and I want to tell you that I think you could 'reframe' the idea of "giving up" differently. You aren't really giving up - the heart will do that on its own time, when it is ready, if at all - you are simply acknowledging your PRESENT circumstances and taking the time and initiative to rebuild your own life based on what those circumstances are today.
But the only constant in life is change. The circumstances and pain of today WILL change because that is the nature of life. Just focus on now, adapting to now, surviving now, and meanwhile, let God or the laws of the universe (however, you'd prefer to think about it) work on your H.
Because I wasn't legally married (though in a 20 year partnership), the word "divorce" doesn't have the same control over me. My ex-partner was able to walk out and announce his intentions to marry OW within a matter of weeks. No law can protect me and so I've had to adopt the very same attitude that I am suggesting to you. Is it "giving up"? No! It is relinquishing control of tomorrow and focusing on surviving today.
Rue, nothing can explain or justify what our partners have done to us, their selfishness, their disregard of our decades of love and devotion to them. They have changed and they can change again. But what we need to do is also allow change to work its will on us. We won't survive this if we don't. But we have to survive this for one very important reason: we don't know how the story ends yet. Let's survive long enough to see how our stories end.
I truly know the pain in your soul, but letting go of your husband is not the same as "giving up" on him. Let him go, let God or the forces of the universe have him instead. They are so much more powerful than either of us anyway. All we have is TODAY for OURSELVES and our goal is to survive it.
Me: 35 Him: 43 Together: 19 1/2 years 1st Bomb (IDLYAM): March 2011 2nd Bomb (OW): April 2011 He abandons home/bills/everything: May 2011 He's bought a new house for OW: September 2011
Alone, How do I do what you say? I dont know any other way except being a wife and homemaker and mom. Please can you help? I am so lost. I have great kids who support me but they have their lives now. They have their spouses. I want so much not to like this man, my H, but i cant. I dont want to give up but I feel maybe its holding me back from moving on. I hate the D papers. I despise this OW. She has a relationship with him built on lies. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it she will never know. Please can you help?
I dont know any other way except being a wife and homemaker and mom.
Hi Rue,
If you can't see yourself as anything apart from the roles you play in your family, it seems to me you may have lost your identity in your marriage. Recovering a strong sense of your individual identity may be a good place for you to start your soul searching. It may also help you take your focus off your H and OW and bring you some relief.
I have seen that sometimes men can feel overwhelmed and burdened by the responsibility of caring for a highly dependent partner. I suggest you use this time apart from your husband to find your true identity. Think of this time as an opportunity to rediscover yourself and you may find that when the bloom fades on his relationship with the OW, as it is likely to, he may find himself attracted to the new 'old' you all over again.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. It is hard, probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but you will be ok. You will get through it.
You start by GAL for yourself. Is there anything you have ever wanted to do that you never had the time for? Rock climbing? Yoga? Cooking class? Well here is your chance. It is hard to start, I won't lie, but it does get easier.
For me, one of the first things I did was went and got my hair done the way I wanted it, not the way I knew he liked it. I am in counseling, I write in my journal, I pray. I go for walks with my friends, I spend quality time with my kids, I volunteer.
You have to change your mind set. This isn't a death sentence for you, this is an opportunity for you to discover who you are and to do whatever your hearts desire.
If you think about it, the possibilities are endless.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Edmond, Thanks for answering. I probably have lost my identity in the past 29 years. I wouldnt call myself a highly dependent person but i can say I was highly dedicated person to my family. Maybe this is a problem? I really dont know how to begin to rediscover myself. I really dont. And maybe if these D papers werent there i could accept this situation better. I feel since there are D papers that means there will be and end. I have heard affairs fade. This is a long distance affair so maybe it will take longer. Its a once a month affair. I dont know how long the D process takes. If it was up to me it would be along time but it is so hard emotionally and physically. Does anyone who has gone through this know how long the process takes? Thanks Edmond and I wish you well too.
