I admit this kind of made me laugh. MLC is the very definition of poor behavior. I certainly don't excuse it. But I don't fight against it either. It is pointless. That is the point of these boards. I work with it as best I can. My H has to muddle through it on his own. I have the choice to leave at any point, as does he. You may not feel OK in a similar situation. But I continue to be OK with my decisions while also knowing that there are no guarantees.
OK then, good luck.
Not really sure why you post here then, other than to vent.
In any event, I've given you my perspective, and I'll leave it at that.
Alb, You are such a strong woman and an inspiration. Keep posting as we all hope one day we will be making the journey you currently are on and it helps to see your strength and patience!
Blessings!
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
Not much more to report from last time. H continues to have occasional bouts of anxiety attacks, but he's stopped leaving at night when he has them. I've even recommended that he do so a couple of times when he looked particularly bad, but he declined. He says he can't keep doing that. It seems to me the amount of alcohol he drinks has also been less. Those are both slightly encouraging things.
We have several trips coming up this month. We are taking a short road trip this week and then a week long cruise in 2 weeks. The cruise is with his job so he'll have a few times where he'll have to do job stuff, but the rest of the time should be fun. We've both been working a whole lot so I think some down time will be good.
As for our relationship, I'm not sure exactly where we are. This past week has been tough for me. H started experiencing what he refers to as "brain spasms". He said it almost felt like he was going through his AD withdrawls even though he was still on his meds. He even jokingly accused me of messing with his meds (although I think deep down there may have been an iota of real accusation there). I responded by mentioning how having him even more dysfunctional was totally my goal. I think he got the point. He became more withdrawn and not remotely affectionate like he had been. In fact, he almost didn't say a word to me mid week when we were both home together. Turns out that on Friday, he realized that he had actually failed to refill one of his AD medications. In his absent mindedness, he had retrieved an old bottle of another of his meds from the back of his meds drawer. The dose on one of his meds had been increased many months ago and rather than throw away the old half full bottle, he stuffed it in the back. When he ran out of his other meds, he grabbed the old bottle thinking it was AD med number 1 when in fact it was AD med number 2. So he went cold turkey off AD med number 1 and actually was overdosing on AD med number 2 for a week. Once he realized that, he seemed relieved while totally embarrased and ashamed at the same time. He was relieved that the issues he was having had a reason, but he couldn't believe he was so stupid that he wasn't even looking at the label on his meds. Fortunately, he got his AD meds 1 refilled and started back on them. I've already seen a difference in him and he was back to being quite affectionate.
I admit I still have a lot of moments of doubt and pensiveness. It's been a year and a half since the bomb. And while he says he knows he's doing the right thing, he still has his moments of confusion and he still has not said ILY. I don't want the old marriage we used to have. But I DO want someone who genuinely loves me. Someone who I feel secure with. Someone who seems genuinely to enjoy my company. And I don't have that consistently right now. There are good moments, but when his issues pop up, he becomes somewhat withdrawn. And I know that part of that has to do with his issues that remain unresolved. But I'm not seeing too much forward motion at this point. Perhaps it's a "can't see the forest for the tress" type issue because as I said at the beginning, things are definitely better than when he first moved in. But still.... I can say that anytime I've become more pensive/withdrawn myself, he tends to pick up his game. I think he senses me drifting away and takes action. I can't help but think about where we were a year ago. He had just started his R with the OW and I had recently found DB. We've certainly come a long way. Can't help but think about where we'll both be a year from now....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Last Feb-11, I first posted on this site about my rapidly developing sitch with a WAW in MLC. Your H at the time had left you and I believe was with OW. I was completely lost and clueless and looking for answers. I was also curious why you (or any one of us for that matter) would put up with this nonsense from our spouses.
I asked you something like, "was your H really worth all this trouble?" Your response was that you knew that your H was a good man, and yes he was worth going through these trouble times, and you were choosing to stand. Shortly thereafter it appears your H decided to recommit and you continue to work hard on your R while setting healthy boundaries. You seem to understand that even now, there are now guarantees, yet you soldier on.
Al, I've been going through 6 months of heavy doubts about my future with my W. This is a very short time to spend in MLC land. However, I am already toying with the idea of dating, mostly to prop up my own lagging ego. Decidedly a bad idea, given my R with my wife is better now that it was a few months ago. My kids need me to be stable and strong. And yes, my W is worth the wait. She is inherently a good person. Just lost and trying to find herself. She needs this time alone, to think, to grow, to become the person she needs to be. So do I. Thankfully, hers is a relatively low grade MLC, so no drama involved. Time and space are the gifts I can give her. Detachment to curb my controlling "Mr. Fix It" behaviors. Boundaries to let her live her life and for me to continue to GAL myself.
As I continue to muddle through this MLC land, I continue to get glimpses into what they (the MLCer) are really going through. Like most LBS, I saw my husband going on trips, having fun with the OW, buying expensive things, having no responsibility regarding D etc. They seem to have it all. And yet, once my H came back, he recounted how he REALLY felt. Alone, depressed, lying in bed all day, drinking himself silly. It's all a mirage. It's all a vain attempt at happiness. But it's just not real. And it's so hard for most people to really grasp because some MLCers will NEVER let people in to what's really going on in their head.
In my last post, I mentioned how my H accidentally went off his meds. That week was tough for me. He nearly ignored me all day one day. It was hurtful. Switching back to his meds have made a world of difference. But his demeanor wasn't terrible. He made an attempt to look functional and he joined us for dinner and engaged D and everything. I could tell he was a bit "off" but not a huge difference. And yet, I hadn't realized he had posted on his "journal blog" that he shares with me at that time. In it, he recounted how depressed he felt. That he often felt like suicide would be a good thing although he was quick to state he wouldn't really do it, just venting about how depressed he was. And then a day later, he had a blog that simply stated F*** my life. I just want to scream in impotent rage. I didn't see his posts until after he restarted his meds. But I had no idea at the time how deeply disturbed he was feeling. So while I was getting all frustrated at his detachment from me, he was fighting to find a reason to live. Kind of puts things into perspective.
I see a lot of frustration on these boards by the LBS. And I understand it because I'm still living it in a lot of ways. How can they shirk all their responsibilities with the kids. How can they not see the pain they cause. How can they be so selfish. All very common questions. I think the answer in a lot of cases is that quite frankly, they are so lost in their own minds and their own despair that they don't have the ability to look outside of themselves. They are battling their own demons so to speak. They don't have the time or energy to do anything else. This in no way excuses their behavior and I don't mean to imply that. Many in that situation search out for help. My H has received some in the means of AD. But others are too proud or too blind to see the actual issue. And so they fight for their sanity by finding any way to cure their despair. This comes in the form of OP, expensive things, new lifestyle etc.
Just the other evening, H came to bed and snuggled up to me and simply stated "Thanks for not giving up on me". It's moments like that that reenergize my battery. But like you said, there are no guarantees. I don't know where we will end up. I don't think H is mentally ready to completely reconnect with me because he's still trying to find himself. I'm thankful (in a way) for the time we spent apart (as painful as it was). It allowed me to become a whole person who can stand alone and be OK with that. I don't NEED my H to make me happy and that's a good thing since a lot of times, he's too broken to do so. I posted on your thread about taking care not to date too early. Be sure you are OK on your own. Concentrate on YOU. Focus on improving yourself. That is the only way you are guaranteed to come out of this a winner.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Great to hear from you again. I am glad that your situation is improving, it is very inspiring. You are adapting to having him back home as well, I remember that you were anxious about his coming back to you and worried how he was not ready yet. It is always harder to have the MLC'er home (mine has never left). No matter what, we always tend to watch them more closely, and the tendency to be pulled into the coaster with their up and downs is so much higher. That is when detachment, the mental type, is really needed. And part of it is keeping those painful memories and thoughts from invading your mind, keeping away the resentment.
Eventually, we learn!
Take care and hang in there! I have moved my thread to piecing, not because I am, but because I am seeing relevant advice and examples from people who are working on their restoring their M's, especially on the part of the LBS.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
It is always harder to have the MLC'er home (mine has never left).
I think we need to be careful of definitive words like "always" ... particularly when you dont' have anything to compare it with.
Those statements fail to consider the very legitimate pain and loss our friends here live through when their MLCer doesn't live at home. I suspect some of them would be very envious of those whose partners have never left.
Let's not call anyone's experience; pain or suffering any more signficant than anyone elses, hey?
