Almost, not quite. 5 and 3/4 years for sure, my wife was in the throes of an MLC and I had yet to look long and hard at myself. Learn how to DB in my way.
8 days ago. My wife and I bought our first house.
Did it take us 5 and 3/4 years to be happy again?
No far sooner. With its up and downs.
I have been DBing for almost 5 3/4 years though.
It is possible. That's the only point I want to make.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It is possible. That's the only point I want to make.
J3B
YOu bring up a couple of iportant points here. One is that DB'ing is not a rigid, follow the rules, structured way. It is more of a fluid, adapt to the situation mindset. I see a lot of people, (myself included, although I am learning more as the months roll by), especially those who are no longer newcomers, who have passed over the crisis mode and have come into either "limbo" or a different level of an R, who get confused on how to "follow" DB.
Perhaps you can expound on how you made it fit into your own sitch?
or how it changes as the situation changes?
Another great point is about the time period. yes, it takes a long time (it did take a long time to get where we are now, don't expect it to be solved in an instant), and it should be a permanenet change.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Perhaps you can expound on how you made it fit into your own sitch?
I think you just did:
It is more of a fluid, adapt to the situation mindset.
With one caveat, give the adaption time to be seen/felt.
I didn't approach this with a week or month time frame, I did it day to day.
My mantra a long time ago was:
"Today is not the day I quit. Tomorrow might be different, but today is not the day I quit." I repeat that everyday.
Change and monitor. I think that served me well.
However, what saved me, to hell with my marriage, was that I made changes for me. When I did that for me? Everything got better.
(You mean she came running back?)
No I mean I didn't care. I didn't hang on every little thing hanging importance on the trivialities of what she meant by dropping her kleenex in my trash.
I didn't hang importance on the big things she did either, yelling at me, demanding things.
I didn't hang importance on anything she did, until she truely reached out to attmpt and rebuild the bridge we both destroyed.
Quote:
or how it changes as the situation changes?
That's more...piecing.
I don't think the situation truly changes much while the MLC is ongoing.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's like one of those smells that gets trapped in your nasal passages, and you smell it forever...even if the offending cause is no longer there! Congrats to the new homeowners!
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Perhaps you can expound on how you made it fit into your own sitch?
I think you just did:
It is more of a fluid, adapt to the situation mindset.
With one caveat, give the adaption time to be seen/felt.
I didn't approach this with a week or month time frame, I did it day to day.
My mantra a long time ago was:
"Today is not the day I quit. Tomorrow might be different, but today is not the day I quit." I repeat that everyday.
Change and monitor. I think that served me well.
However, what saved me, to hell with my marriage, was that I made changes for me. When I did that for me? Everything got better.
(You mean she came running back?)
No I mean I didn't care. I didn't hang on every little thing hanging importance on the trivialities of what she meant by dropping her kleenex in my trash.
I didn't hang importance on the big things she did either, yelling at me, demanding things.
I didn't hang importance on anything she did, until she truely reached out to attmpt and rebuild the bridge we both destroyed.
Quote:
or how it changes as the situation changes?
That's more...piecing.
I don't think the situation truly changes much while the MLC is ongoing.
Congrats on the new home Jack!
and thanks for this post.
I love the mantra... 'today is not the day that I quit' That is great.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Jack - good posts, good thread. I decided to have some time out, but sometimes stuff happens, and someone gave me an amazing book which I wanted to share with all those who have helped me so much 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years'
Basically the guy is saying that we are the heroes of our own story and that if we want to make a better story of our lives then it is down to us. If we listen to external promptings [he believes in God, but actually you don't need to for this book to be powerful, I don't think. although I do] then this helps, but the decision to want and then make the better [that is more meaningful, not more comfortable] life comes from us.
So if you do not like the life you are living, change it in all the ways you can. It takes courage perseverance and hard work. You won't always be happy while you make the changes. In fact he questions whether the goal of life is happiness, rather it is living a good story. And good stories often involve suffering, hardship and grief while the hero [m/f] changes. Even if you do not triumph like they do in films, you will have tried and that makes 'the story' good.
He feels that people who have given up on life have given up on themselves. It is not that life is meaningless but that their story is for them.
I think this means that we should not judge the story of others - if it is good and meaningful to them that is what matters. I urge you to read the book, and I also hope that it will help us to look at the our own decisions and those of others in the context of the story it is contributing to.
You may well be happy if you live a good story, but you will not always be happy. If we make decisions that are geared towards our being happy we will not be very likely to take risks. Sometimes you will go through pain, but the pain will start to have meaning, if that makes sense. Like training for a marathon.
For me it made sense of the debate over whether it 'matters' if it is MLC. If it matters to you as part of your story then it matters. If it doesn't matter then it doesn't. All too often we jump in [me included]and give advice in another story, without understanding that their story is different.
Please do not think I am suggesting we shouldn't give advice. Some people are stuck and miserable and doing dumb things, by any standards [they are not living a good story by their own admission] and need help. Others are simply doing it their way, and it takes a lot of discernment sometimes to knwo the difference.
So, while I probably will not be posting much, and apologies for the long threadjack, Jack [couldn't resist that one] I will let you know from time to time how my story is progressing, now I realise that it isn't just changes within but also deciding to have a new and different story. The ending may not be happy, but the narrative should be good. If it isn't it is down to me, not what life throws at me. I want my life to have real meaning for me.
