Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Been away from the boards for a while and trying to catch up - man, are there some amazing people on this board! I wish I had more time to read. I learn so much every time I have a chance to read even a little bit. Thank you all - you make such a difference - words fall short of expressing my gratitude to all of you.


Warning - major stream of consciousness post here ....


Update:
Things continue to go pretty well at home. No more skirmishes after our big one last week. Alot of thinking on my part - more on this later.....

Positives:
1. H got frustrated the other day while we were in the car with the kids - some alien behavior surfaced. I calmly explained why I did/said what I did, without sounding angry, and a few minutes later H actually took my hand,looked me in the eye and said I'm sorry. This hasn't happened in a long time.
2. H and I have a date tonight.
3. H and I have been laughing alot in the last several days.

Now, on to goals/thinking...got to get them down before I forget them completely (come to think of it, Optimist, maybe I'm more of a Dory than I realized ). Reading Kitti and Holdingon's threads has gotten me inspired to make some goals/baby steps for myself to work on. This seems to be one of the keys to what worked initially post-bomb - having a list of things to do and not to do really helped me stay focused. I will post my 2004 goals in another post - the R goals seem to be more pressing at the moment.


A recurring theme for me - and for a lot of people on the boards seems to be how to stay steady when things start to turn around/when the WAS comes home. How to deal with the fears that surface at this point - how to live without letting the hurt/anger/pain/that we have experienced dominate (and potentially ruin) our lives. This, for me has been a common thread all my life, for a number of reasons, so, how to work on this???????


One of the reasons my H left was because I was never convinced of his love for me, never understood why he picked me, always felt like I was less interesting/sexy/fun than his female friends.....So, what is the opposite of this fearful attitude? Living as if I'm confident in myself and in his love for me, confident in our M - that it will last. How would I live/be if I felt confident and secure? This is what's so hard - I'm realizing that maybe I've never felt this way - ever. So how do I know how to do something I've never done? Some of what I imagine to be the rightthing to do seems not to be right based on what my H has said/what I've noticed post bomb????

What would I do if I were confident/secure?
1. I would act confident in myself (again, something I've never done consistently - ever).
*hold my shoulders up, stand up straight
*look my best (bathe every day - gross, I know, but the reality on some days), keep toe nails painted, dress up some (again how does the ideal fit into the reality of having two small children? It is an exception for me to get to work and still have clean clothes - usually there's at least some poptart on my shirt - not complaining here - I am sooooo thankful for the blessings they are.)
*No self-critical comments (either audible or in my head)
*Speak up (tend to be a low talker)
*Express my opinions (although these at times tend to irritate H?????)

2. Take care of myself
*have a devotional every day, continue to pray, pray, pray
*exercise - a goal would be 3-4X/week
*have "me time" (time to think while doing the dishes doesn't count)
*pursue hobbies (birdwatching, hiking, work on photo albums and baby books, participate in flylady)
*take up a new hobby - Ideas: rollerblading, yoga
*eat less junk, drink 64 oz of water/day
*keep in touch with/spend time with my friends - both here on the BB and my other friends
*have a plan (stealing from T2 and Holdingon) for every day "to keep the creepies from taking over my thoughts."
These next two lines are also stolen from Jan and Holdingon:
*"Stop looking over my shoulder...it only slows my progress down and gives the enemy a chance to catch up."
*Cherish and use my free time. Accept it as a friend, no longer an enemy."


3. I would act as if I trust my H
*No quizzing
*No snooping
*Act confident when H works in the same area as the former OW.
*Be kind to H's female friends. Stop seeing them as potential OW.
*No questions about who H worked with last night.
*Act upbeat when H goes out for time alone or for time with his friends. No clinging or acting sad when he leaves.

4. I would act confident in his love for me and in our M (this one is harder for me)
*initiate more often
*be understanding/not take it personally when H declines
*be open and honest with H (this one gets me - being honest with each other is one thing my H said he had to have in the M, but right now, this seems to be contraindicated for me???????? Maybe in time there will be more of a balance.)

This confidence/the belief he'll be faithful to me now, and that we'll be married for life has to be balanced with the reality that to keep the M healthy will take work. Maybe in the past I confused being and acting confident with becoming complacent (lax about my appearance, my attitudes "he isn't going anywhere, so it doesn't matter how I look", I quit being like a girlfriend, etc.)


Other questions I'm pondering......
1. Is there ever a point at which it's appropriate to talk about these things with the WAS????

2. Do I have to let my guard completely down in order to really forgive my H? I think I do.

3. Will I ever be able to truly be myself with H or is this a myth about marriage I've thought was true?

4. I've had the feeling several times in the last couple of weeks that I'm losing myself in the M again. I think this was a mistake I made pre-bomb. Always thinking only of H - but in a fearful way. H said just post-bomb that I didn't consider his feelings/wants/needs - only my own, but it seems to me I only ever thought of his wants - I never said no to sex when he wanted it. I never asked him not to go out when he wanted to (although, I did act sad when he went out without me.)I feels as if my main focus is on H and the M. There has to be a balance of God, H, the children, and me. Always yeilding to what H wants isn't the answer, I don't think??????

5. H has said that one of the things he didn't like about me was that I came across as always thinking I'm right (How this happened, I'm not sure, as I wasn't very self confident at the time - so how could I have been so insecure and sure I was right all the time?) Maybe some of this is post-bomb confusion with a grain of truth here and there, but how do I know? H seems to have the opinion that we've started over and that we don't need to go over and over things????

6. What is the worst thing that could happen at this point? H could leave again. And wouldn't it be better to live joyfully, loving him as if I thought he'd always be here, than to chase him away by living fearfully?

Thanks for listening. Getting these thoughts down is necessary - helps me work on them. They are rough and all need work, but they are here instead of swirling around in my head with everything else .

Thinking of all of you and saying prayers.

Now, I'm off to prepare myself for our date (think girlfriend).