As promised, some goals. Feel free to add/criticize/suggest at will.
Develop a deeper and more stable sense of equanimity Meditate Daily Continue reading books on self-development and interaction/relationships Continue to use notebook to identify repetitive or destructive thoughts Limit coffee intake to 12oz/day Working with IC
Get a job I can enjoy that pays well for the time being Obtain and take note of information about modern resumes and their structure Identify as many strengths and quantifiable achievements as I can and collect them Apply my design skill and knowledge to create a good resume Prepare for any interviews by understanding nature of job, skills required, and what they are looking for Develop a healthier perspective about work/confidence/identity
Get down to 200 lbs by Sept. 30 Continue to choose to eat healthy foods and avoid overindulging in things that lead me to feel gross Exercise daily
Balance my body Strengthen and integrate core Take frequent breaks to stretch and open up Commit to waking up at a certain time daily, and plan to get sleep around that time. Come up with 'sleep routine' to facilitate getting to sleep more consistently
Get myself on a more consistent schedule Identify some self control strengthening techniques so I can cultivate that ability better Eat Dinner Earlier
Develop 'habits' that will help me grow and thrive Exercise Clean Kitchen Make bed Read Meditate Walk Write
Continue to detach from W's drama Continue developing thoughts and mental discipline to know that I am okay either way Recognize common humanity so that I can detach from my own negative feelings about situation Frame in ways that allow me to 'judo' the situation to my benefit Reframe based on a more broad perspective Flip around ideas - shift words around, explore other ways of looking at it recogznie how many learning opportunities I can have from this experience recognize/own my problems and the way that I created/contributed to the situation I'm in now cultivate appreciation and gratitude for any real growth
Cultivate skills and thoughts for great authenticity, empathy, compassion, and kindness get more comfortable w/ discomfort: learn to experience my emotions w/o the coping mechanisms and narratives that I use to soften the blow practice compassionate thinking, intentionally actively cultivate ability to appreciate myself by recognizing what is best in me and the many things for which I can be appreciate of and grateful for in my life extend this appreciation outwards, recognizing the interconnectedness and commonality between myself and others. Recognize the shared desires and the common hurts that we all experience. be mindful of my 'communication' with myself and what stories and narratives I form. Be mindful and in the prsent with others so that I can have a more 3-d experience with them.
Explore capacity for both happiness and contentment This is kind of vague, but the idea that happiness is more of a 'pleasure' thing, while contentment is a sense of strong inner well-being is something that I want to continue exploring.
Learn a bit of a new language identify a language. Answer these questions: why? what attracts me to it? how can I learn it best? what opportunities might I have to use it? do any hold a strategic appeal?
Identify some possible career options Meet w/ vocational counselor Take online tests
Work on developing a more authentic public speaking skill I have spent time giving presentations and have taught in the classroom. Neither of these phased me, but I always felt like I was pretending to be someone else in the way I communicated. I think learning to be an effective 'me' and communicating to people from that authentic place would be more enjoyable.
Improved ability to focus Just a personal thing - want to feel more capable of focusing Identify if there are situations where I do focus best (flow/relaxed concentration) Identify if there are any consistent distractors
Learn names and proper technique for beginning yoga poses Exercise/Yoga daily Attend yoga at least 1x per week
Continue to get a life - communicating w/ friends - seeing movies - listening to music - exercising - drawing
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction when they are at the '50's diner...
"Goddamn, this is a pretty fu**ing good milkshake"
I will say...
"Goddamn, these are some pretty good fu**ing goals!"
Seriously man, I am blown away.
Sorry, I have not read your whole sitch, but this makes want to go back and get caught up.
Some of my favorites...
Quote:
-Meditate Daily -Continue reading books on self-development and interaction/relationships* -practice compassionate thinking -extend this appreciation outwards, recognizing the interconnectedness and commonality between myself and others. -Flip around ideas - shift words around, explore other ways of looking at it -recogznie how many learning opportunities I can have from this experience -This is kind of vague, but the idea that happiness is more of a 'pleasure' thing, while contentment is a sense of strong inner well-being is something that I want to continue exploring.
Not taking away from all of the others, because the eating, exercise, sleep, etc, is also very important. As is the job, educational goals.
These just struck me.
Oh, the * next to reading the books. Just something to consider. One thing I have had to try and catch for myself.
It is easy to just keep reading, reading, reading, and not ever fully practice.
Try to take time in-between to really digest and put into practice the ideas.
The goal is to become a "finder." Not be a continuous "seeker."
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Thanks for chronicling your experience...it's been very helpful to me.
The toughest thing about this process/journal is the "why's"...both how did this happen and now why our WAS are oblivious to the positive changes in each of us. I KNOW these thoughts are not healthy, but I find this element the most challenging.
Keep progressing forward...regardless of what happens it is inspiring to see the progress you're making in handling this situation.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Today was pretty good - got some work done, got some meditating in, caught Horrible Bosses -- much better than Hangover 2, and no marriage themes!!
Got a call from L this evening while I was making dinner - apparently W's L served him with the divorce complaint. He said it was all boilerplate stuff. He also mentioned that there is a 90 day clock at this point. So, if I wanted, i could be divorced by Oct. 12.
Obviously, this isn't what I want. I told him I'm not interested in doing anything to help her get the divorce, and basically do nothing is where we left it at.
The one thing, that kind of offended me, was that the L withheld W's current address. As my L explained - that is odd, and usually done in cases where there is a threat to safety. That just struck me as overly dramatic. It continues this pattern of her playing the victim as if I have at any point threatened her with any kind of harm.
She did this a month or so ago when she came over to get some stuff, having her friend was going to call after 1/2 an hour to make sure she was okay. I don't know what the game she's playing is, but the fact is - I haven't threatened her. I haven't laid a finger on her or threatened to since this whole drama started to unfold. In fact, other than losing it at the MC session, I have not even raised my voice at her.
so yeah - I'm a little miffed. I know it's her drama and I don't need to take any of it personally, but still - its painful that someone you love is casting you in this kind of dramatic light of 'dangerous person.' That hurts my feelings!!
Sure it's painful - but you said it. It's HER drama. I've done this with BF's before. I can't explain it. I remember fighting with a BF and then locking myself in a room and moving a dresser in front of the door.
One thing that strikes me though is that she is afraid of your anger. And it's PERCEIVED anger. As you said, you never did anything - so... HER drama. She knows she did something horribly wrong by having a PA, so possibly she is perceiving that anger that she thinks she deserves and preparing herself.
Thanks to everyone who has offered feedback/encouragement/ideas about my goals. I want to reply and will do so later.
For the moment -
Got a text from W this afternoon. First communication in 10 days - just a note saying she hopes I have a good time at a family event I'm going to this weekend.
I'm a little stuck on how to respond - as you might know, I've been debating whether or not to contact her about other stuff and so far opting to stay 'dark' to keep working on my own stuff w/o being sucked into her personal drama.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I agree she's testing you. Part of me suspects that she's hoping to see if you're moving on to appease her guilt. I think she's under the impression that she can just be "off the hook" which would infuriate me...
The night BF told our therapist he wanted out of the relationship we came home and he was the nicest he'd been to me in a long time. It was creepy. I said, "What are you doing? I don't understand."
I wasn't DBing then. I was just kind of being real with him. Like I'm not going to pretend he didn't just break up with me and act all nice - I was normal, but I was like Um, not sure what that's about.
I'd just be real- authentic. Maybe not respond. Is she giving you anything through this exchange? If not, you don't have to accept it or take care of her.
Even if she hopes you are moving on so that she does not feel guilty, her happiness should not be tied to your happiness.
Dark is dark. It is counter intuitive to not respond when they are being nice. We often find it is the counter intuitive action that gets the best results.
She could be curious...
Did she ask you a question?
It only sounds like she hoped you have a good time. If you want to respond, respond when you get back... and say... you had a GREAT time...
