I had looong R talk with wife this morning. I started it.
Doh. No R talk!
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I was talking to her about daughter and how it felt to see her and slowly we moved to R talk. It was bad because i think i ended up giving wife the feeling that i was still pining for her.
Arg!
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When she point blank asked me if i was hoping that she would come back, i said i did not.
Phew, narrow escape. Good answer.
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At the end wife just wanted me to see the whole thing from her point of view, how much she suffered how much she tried etc.
That's okay, let her vent. Validate.
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In the past and even in today's discussion, i have validated her feelings
Good.
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and owned up that she should have been treated better by me.
Bad, can you tell the difference between validation and reinforcing her belief you acted like a jerk?
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I am really not sure why she keeps on bringing up the past on how much she suffered.
She needs to cling to her justification for leaving. She will cling to it as long as she possibly can. The only way to undermine this is to prove you have changed via your actions.
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I really need to be on my guard about this R talk. Today i felt like a fool again apologizing for lots of things and in the end i think i also justified her leaving me !!
Stop apologizing for sure. Validate, but do not accept blame. One makes her feel understood, the other reinforces her decision was the correct one.
"I understand you felt xyz"
vs.
"I know I did that,I am so sorry" *grovel grovel*
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
