Forgetting those things which are behind......

[holdingon]

maybe b/c nearing the anniversary of the bomb?? Maybe b/c I've been at home instead of work - more time to think/worry, etc

Mockers, I definitely think this is playing into your worrying. Plus, the holidays are awful and then after the holidays you are supposed to be looking forward to a New Year... all a big burden...

I feel as though my "faults" are open for discussion at any time. H feels free to give his opinion about my shortcomings whenever he wants.

Yes, they are... and I think feeling like you are under a microscope at this point in your R is normal. Trying24now felt that way, Talitsa too. Maybe you should look at their posts. It doesn't seem to last forever. It seems to be the Hs time to test you, make sure you are committed and that the M/R is real. Be PATIENT.

Am I only to be happy, happy, happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have down days or worry about things sometimes

Yes, of course, but right now, do this in private, or here. Don't put it on your H yet. He's not ready. He's still dealing with the newness of the R, and that needs to stay happy, happy, happy. Like Jan said "so sweet I have diabetes" or something like that.

But, I just want to be loved by H anyway. I want to be able to express my feelings and thoughts to him without worrying that he will leave again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding things in because I'm afraid H will think I'm "in a mood."

Don't equate this bump in the road with the rest of your life. Think day by day or moment by moment.

I've noticed a pre-bomb pattern of behavior

Stop doing what doesn't work.

Here are the answers you are looking for:

So, how to turn this around?
1. Hold in any thoughts/feelings that may be seen by H as negative. Talk to a friend instead.
2. No crying in front of him.
3. Continue to act as if I am fine. Happy, happy, happy.
4. Act like a girlfriend - maybe I've been letting this slip a little - got to polish those toenails, wear pufume every day, smile, flirt.
5. try to see H with empathy - maybe he is ultrasensitive about child care comments - maybe b/c he feels bad/guilty for being gone???? Maybe I act like I know best? I certainly don't mean to come across this way?????

And keep doing whatever keeps OW out of your mind.

Mockers, you are a strong, strong woman. And you have come a heck of a long way. But, your H has only been home 2 months. That's not that long. Feelings are tender. I am sure you BOTH are wondering if this is the right thing. Stay the course... don't expect him to deal with all of your emotions right now. He knows what he has done and has to deal with that, too. When you are down, he may think it is because of him and what he has done, and may feel badly for it. Hang in there, girlfriend. You have excellent advice from yourself... you CAN and WILL do this.