Forgetting those things which are behind......

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Here's wishing holidays filled with peace.

This post will be mostly for journaling purposes, but as always, your opinions and input is welcome. I get so much from your posts.

The last week or so has been overall good, but a little tough in some respects. For some reason (maybe b/c nearing the anniversary of the bomb?? Maybe b/c I've been at home instead of work - more time to think/worry, etc.), I've been a little more fearful/worried for about a week. Some examples:
1. I voiced to H that I had wondered/worried that a third baby would put distance betweed me and our oldest child (in my last thread I described that our older child has seemed to express anger mainly towards me/tell me she loves Daddy, not me; seems to prefer H over me. There has been a little bit of this tendency all along, but it got worse after H came home - all understandable behavior, which I'm dealing with pretty well at the moment. This is also slacking off somewhat now that H has been home for almost two months.) This is probably an unfounded worry, but I'm probably not the first person to think of this, when contemplating a third child.

2. The children (almost two and almost three) recieved "Finding Nemo" for Christmas. We watched it together for the first time. I worried a little that some parts might scare the kids.

3. On my way home from work the other day, I saw a pretty bad accident. I stopped - there were two boys - both 17 yrs old involved. One wasn't hurt, the other had a head injury. This shook me up a little. I just felt for the boys and their families. I talked to H about this.

Well, yesterday H said I had "been in a mood lately." I asked him what he meant and he listed the things I listed above and said I had been crying alot lately. I said that he was right, but added that I thought my concerns/worries were probably within the realm of normal. He said he didn't think it was normal. I said," Oh," and let it go. I acted as if I was fine and that we were fine, etc. Happy, happy, happy.....

But, on the inside, I was furious. I wanted to ask H why he thought he was an expert on what's normal (is leaving your family for eight months and having an affair normal?). I know, not loving, not good DB'ing, but at least I didn't say it. I realize, though, that I have got to deal with this or it will come out at some point, and this will not get me closer to my goal at all.

I thought through why this made me so angry, and came up with ~
1. I feel as though my "faults" are open for discussion at any time. H feels free to give his opinion about my shortcomings whenever he wants. But I am to say nothing about him or his way of doing things at all (H got irritated with me for suggesting a different way to rinse the kids hair - it was a way that seemed to cause less crying/protesting. H said "I was doing just fine.")

2. My "faults" are in part what led to him leaving - I was never confident enough in the R/in his love for me.

3. Am I only to be happy, happy, happy all the time? Am I not allowed to have down days or worry about things sometimes?

Yes, I am fearful at times, and yes, I do worry about things probably more than alot of people do, but I am working on this, and I feel like I have improved (although in the past when I feel I've gotten better about something - less insecure, more self confident - when I've asked H, he's said he didn't think I had changed for the better at all.)I don't want to live my life in a state of fear/worry, and am working on this. But, I just want to be loved by H anyway. I want to be able to express my feelings and thoughts to him without worrying that he will leave again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life holding things in because I'm afraid H will think I'm "in a mood."

Maybe it's just too soon for me to really open up to him with all my feelings????????

One other thing is that in the last few days with all this going on, I've noticed a pre-bomb pattern of behavior:
1. something doesn't go well
2. H seems unhappy/upset/frustrated with me
3. I become afraid
4. H pulls back (witholds physical affection, goes into tha cave)
5. I become more fearful, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah

At least I was able to recognize the pattern and stop myself before I tried to talk to H and explain myself or argue with him about what's "normal." Just so scary to see a destructive and familiar pattern.

I feel this is all related to my lack of forgiveness. I felt like I had made some progress, but feeling this anger/rage, makes me realize I have such a long way to go.

So, how to turn this around?
1. Hold in any thoughts/feelings that may be seen by H as negative. Talk to a friend instead.
2. No crying in front of him.
3. Continue to act as if I am fine. Happy, happy, happy.
4. Act like a girlfriend - maybe I've been letting this slip a little - got to polish those toenails, wear pufume every day, smile, flirt.
5. try to see H with empathy - maybe he is ultrasensitive about child care comments - maybe b/c he feels bad/guilty for being gone???? Maybe I act like I know best? I certainly don't mean to come across this way?????

Positives:
1. H and I have had couple time together for the last several nights - we watched a movie or sat on the couch together and read our books.
2. H helped me clean up the kitchen last night.
3. H came with me to run errands one day instead of sleeping, so he could spend time with me.
4. H was very sweet and supportive when we heard of a friends' child dying. I did cry then, and H gave me a hug and said how sorry he was.

One stategy I am using to fight OW thoughts (one of the girls in the movie looked like the person I think is the former OW ) is to say the Lord's Prayer immediately when I start thinking of her/them. I say it several times if necessary, which is usually the case. The "Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass aginst us," part reminds me of what I have to continue to work on.

"Finding Nemo" actually has quite a message for fearful me, when I think about it.

From my devotional today ("Our Daily Bread" Dec/Jan/Feb):

Everyone is looking for happiness, and people follow many avenues trying to find it. They look for it in money, parties, self-improvement programs, fancy cars, luxurious homes, or promoting a cause. That's the wrong list. The right one is found in Matthew 5.......Jesus... said we are happy when we are........
*Meek - demonstrating self-control, even when we are mistreated.
*Merciful - showing mercy to others, just as God shows mercy to us.

Any input will be greatly appreciated.