So I'm reading DR and after the first chapter alone I already see all kinds of things I've done "wrong."
We both suffer from the "Biased shoulder." I reached out to some of her friends, some of our mutual friends and even her family when I found out the details of OM in hopes that we'd all be of one accord to saving our marriage. Her friends (women that stood in our wedding, one of which actually I introduced my W to and I've known since 3rd grade) either wouldn't talk to me at all or talked to me only to run back and tell my wife what I'd shared. She's been encouraged by some to "do what she has to do to be happy." Her father (who is a pastor and actually prayed during our wedding) told me he wasn't for the marriage and how it was done so that he wouldn't intercede and just prayed that "God gives us the strength to stand and the good part is we don't have kids."
My friends have been extremely for our reconciliation but the more and more they saw me hurt, the more and more they got to the "she's moved on so you have to stage." I don't share much with them now in that regard.
I haven't told my mother details in hopes of sparing that. My father and brother are understanding and haven't undermined my desires for reconciliation. I have a faith based, pro marriage counselor at my church I see once a week. I definitely think the media play s a role in our previous views of marriage and even more so, her single friends that live life in the fast lane chasing one professional athlete after the next. They are generally good women but flawed like anyone else and one of them actually is the one who made it possible for my W and OM to begin contacting one another.
She initially handed me the divorce papers she filed for in May but never had me officially served. I sought legal advice but did nothing. Things got worse and worse. She tried to have the police remove me from the home because she didn't want me there and when they told her she couldn't do that, it got even worse. She changed the locks one day and contacted our financial advisor to cut me off from funds of one account. I took half of the money in another bank account and set it to the side (this is after basically a month where she spent $10,000 on travel expenses to engage OM) for fear of not knowing where this would lead. When she went to close that bank account and found how what I'd done, that was the NEW last straw. She then hired a lawyer and formally had me served. I hired a lawyer as well but made it very cleared I wanted to drag my feet as much as possible because I wanted reconciliation.
Here we are now in July and we have an appointment to meet with a mediator in September to figure out how funds are to be divided, my wife is basically going to be out of the country during the time leading up to that except for about 10 days in August where she'll back. She's recently shown some signs of life but basically resolved to she's unhappy, didn't deal with her issues before we got married, they boiled over into resentment, frustration and anger and now her frustration and anger is centered around the fact that I've made all these changes and she recognizes them but feels like they are too late/what she always wanted before.
Essentially, she's the definition of the WAW and I don't know what to do. I've started trying to DR practices but they are hard without her being here in person. Had my first coaching call last Saturday. I feel like I'm grasping at straws.
mid 20s Tgther 7 yrs W EA 04/12/11 PA 04/23/11 W filed 05/11/11 I moved out 08/05/11 Mediation mid Oct 11 D final Dec 11 Now what? ...2012
Welcome and wish you weren't here. The only advice I can really give is Prayer. It may seem like you're doing nothing, but it's far from it.
M-34 W-31 2 S,11&11 1 D, 6 T 13 YEARS M 12 YEARS ILYBINILWY OCT. 2009 We are too close. All we see are smears of paint. The Lord sees the masterpiece He is painting.
MadetoSucceed -- I'm sorry to hear about your story. But you've come to the right place. I'm DBing after a 2nd breakup with my ex wife. We divorced the first time around. She says it's over, I'm still working on it. From time to time I see rays of hope, so THERE IS A CHANCE FOR YOU GUYS. Just keep up the faith in that. You'll find lots of good advice here from very helpful people. Best of luck to you in your situation and keep us informed.
I did so many things wrong before I picked up DB, too. I look back and feel like things would have turned out differently if I put it into action sooner.
We can't hate ourselves, though. We can't torture ourselves with regret.
Just do as best as you can and stay hopeful. It's going to be okay.
Me too I have done so many things the wrong way. I still do. Sometimes I think I am so unskilled in relationship matters I will never learn. But I am not giving up! I will go on learning and growing and praying and believing.
It's helping me get through this latest bout of hell.