Stop the Coaster, I want OFF!

[ninelives]

Thanks for the input LP. Im not drinking too much, just when I was away visiting friends.

WOW GB, thats a heck of a post. It tends to make sense. This disorder is something that I wondered about for years. It still doesnt explain to me, how she could invest so much time in OM.
I dont think she actually fell in love with him but I think she thought that for a while. but thanks for that in depth look at possible explainations.

I dont know where to start with whats going on and Im sure that My w and I are doing the wrong things now. She is still messed up but I do believe she REGRETS all of this or MOST of it.

I took youngest son to the beach and her van was already there.

Again, its ironic that last summer during his sailing course that we attempted Recon.

I ask her to get into my car so we can chat.

M: I dont want to get into a R convo. I just want to know if you have totally ruled out us getting back someday .

W: DONT ask me questions about US right now. I cant answer them . I dont want to be interrogated , I CANT take that right NOW.

M: Calm down, i dont want to talk about US in detail. I just want to know if you have totally given up. IF you have, then I just want you to be honest.

W: NO, I havent given up on us but I dont want to answer alot of questions OK. I just want to get healthy and to be by MYSELF for a while. I feel great shame for What I have done to OUR family and HOw much I have hurt you. I KNOW IM the laughing stock of the town. I just dont want to face this right now.

M: Fair enough. I dont want to pressure you in any way. I just want you to know that I am here for you. I also want you to know that I forgive you for this. I know that you were in pain and just wanted it to stop.

OM is a scumbag and a predator. IM glad that you were able to listen to others about that. I have heard lots of info about him and his patterns and he has done this before. He is very good at it so dont beat yourself up over it.

W: I knew he wasnt good for me. I KNEW it but couldnt stop myself. He kept putting me on a pedastal and telling me exactly what I needed to hear. IM so sorry for all I have done to you.
I dont deserve your forgiveness. I Hate myself so much for all the pain I have caused our family. Especially our boys.

Why does a person do that to themselves? Why have I ruined myself and our family.

M: Ruined is a strong word. You havent ruined yourself. You have at least 30-40 years left that can be happy. You have to stop looking behind and start looking forward. Where do you go from here.

Stop looking at your unhappy childhood and the last few years where you were miserable. Own it and put it away. There is so much life yet to live.

W: But you wont take me back. You will always have this over me.

M: IF I take you back, I will do so with forgiveness and I will NEVER bring this up again. IF i dont take you back, its because I cant forgive this. In which case, it would be pointless to start again.

We talked for a long time. She hinted many times that she wanted to come back and was positive that she wanted her life back and the family.

We went back to my place where she borrowed some sugar and we hung out. My OW texted that she wanted to help me clean out my basement and so she wanted to bring a trailer over and leave it in my driveway till Sat. Thats when the dump opens.

I told my W about that and she said she didnt want to be there for that.

I hugged W goodbye and started to massage her back like I always used to .

W: I missed that so much. I love your massages.

M: I missed that too. Are you still sore from last week.

W: iN a couple of places I am, but not too bad. BtW, are you going to finish the stairs and the basement this summer. I have some ideas.

M: What does that mean?

W: Well, Im just saying that If/ When I come back, I would like some things different here.
I should also start considering put my house up for sale.

M: Whoa, lets not go there yet.

W: ARe you not going to take me back? Have you had a change of heart?

M: W, there is nothing I would want more. BUt we have to take this slow, you know this

W: I know< i have to find the strength to be on my own. Can we plan a couple of trips with the kids? And you and me date for a while but keep it light.

M: That sounds like a plan. I would love to go to Marine land with the Kids this summer.

The entire time I am massaging her and she loves it. She has a IC appointment later in the afternoon.

M: I would also like to watch our show on Sundays together and if you want. I will massage you after your shifts as I know how sore you are after work.

W: That would be wonderful. I hate to go but I have to shower and get ready for appointment.

She leaves and then within minutes, I get text from my OW.

OW: Hey I have the trailer, I will bet there in a few minutes. Is it ok if I have a swim.

M: That should not be a problem. I have been icing my knee all day and I dont think I wlll be going in.

BTW ( before W leaves, she asks me to promise that I would not hug OW while she is here, I say ok i wont and then she says and if you have had sex with her, please NO MORE) I know this sounds so bizarre. I really like OW and I dont want to hurt her. She is still hurting from her failed relationship. Her ex was over yesterday to discuss separation of assets and he tells her that he has been trying to reconcile with her. Thats news to her but i ask her point blank , " ARE you still in love with Ex? She cant deny it but says he is not good for her that she needs to move on. I tell her about my W and where we are at and she says , " Thats cool, figure out where you are going with that, " Like I said ,she is a real cool girl.

So I hang with Ow for the rest of the day. She is cleaning up my yard. We laugh quite a bit. I could defintely see a relationship with this girl but she is not my wife or the mother of my children. And she is 14 years younger than me.

I am getting dinner ready and she tells me she has to leave to take care of some business.

Oldest son tells me that he doesnt really care for her as she is so hyper and trying to light a fire under him to help me with basement. Oldest son calls his mom and invites her for dinner.

She comes over, we get kitchen cleaned up and I finish making dinner.

I ask how her appointment went with IC

W: VEry draining. She believes I should be on my own for a while

M: Agreed, but then what?

W: I want to come home and get my life back. I missed you and the kids more than you know

M: I dont know about timelines. Lets not make any. Are you sure that you want this again?

W: Very sure. Im going to have to get over the guilt and the feeling that the whole town thinks I am worthless.

M: Forget what anybody thinks. This is between you and I and our kids. Nobody else matters.

W: I cant believe you would just wipe the slate clean.

M: ONe thing I never stopped doing is loving you. I can do that because I want another crack at this family. We deserve it.

W: I used to get so jealous of other families when they were out walking. I know we can be a great family again.

M: Make sure you are coming back for the right reasons.

W: Dont say that again. I know you have the right not to trust me but I swear I would never do this again. I know it.

We talked at length about expectations and it did go to R talk quite a bit. I then say//

M: Since you seem convinced that you are coming back, i want to throw this out.

W: Yes

M: Would you be willing to sign a pre nup. If you are so confident that you would never leave again, then it should be a non issue

W: YOu want me to sign a pre nup? What does that mean.

M: My lawyer said I would be crazy to take you back without you signing one. That would mean that if things went south again, you would be entitled to leave with what you came in with. Nothing more/

W: Yeah, I would sign one.

M: That would also make me feel more comfortable that you are in for the long haul

W: 9, I swear I will NEVER hurt you again.

Then we started talking about OW and how many woman Ive been with since we were apart etc... She said that If I wanted her back earlier all I had to do was be with an OW in public. She said she never thought I would really move on and when she saw me with someone else, it really hit home that she may lose the most important person in her life.

I am aware that we shouldnt be talking about R talk, however thae convo seems to go there.

She works tomorrow morning and was a little aprhensive about being alone tonight. I offered my massage services again and she said OK.

I went over to her house and we went up to her bedroom and I massaged her for well over an hour until she fell asleep. She was so thankful that I would do that for her and i was so thankful that I had a chance to do that again.

A couple of times I let my mind wander that this bed was where her and OM had sex countless times and it did get to me a little but way less than I thought it would.

I left her snoring away and went home. All in all , I think today went pretty well. I know its really early but I feel good about this. I am worried that I may be making a huge mistake but I believe my marriage is worth one more try.

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