Going N/C wish me perseverance/strength

[Queen_of_Swords]

I know I'm not really a new comer, but this is new.
After enduring my situation for this long, I had a discussion with my counselor and friends, it's time to go dark on my STBX.

I start tomorrow when he picks up the kids for his visitation.
I know how I will arrange pickup, I'm not so sure how I'm going to navigate pick up from his place, except to keep my lip zipped. not look at him and say little to nothing to him. He usually escorts the kids down to street level and kisses them goodbye as they enter my vehicle.

If I could and if it were reasonable for me to do so, I would cancel tomorrow's visit.

Sigh. This is not going to be easy.

[LearningPatience]

SC,
going dark with kids must be very difficult. I guess I'm 'fortunate' in my sitch that W and I had no kids together.

That said, going dark saved my sanity and I hope it does for you as well. It gives you breathing room and a chance to get off the rollercoaster for a while. I wish you the best of luck with this, not for saving your M, but for saving yourself!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks LP.
Yes it is. If it were at all possible, at this juncture I'd like to pretend I'm dead to him.
I dreamt the other night of burning our original marriage certificate symbolically. I may yet do that.

[alamo76]

Going dark doesn't have to mean that you focus less on your kids during handovers. I do that with my wife, and interestingly, she seems to be practicing her own version of going dark too, i.e. she doesn't look at me, talk directly to me, or other pleasantries.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I dreamt the other night of burning our original marriage certificate symbolically. I may yet do that.

That might feel good in the short term, but lets say you guys reconcile? How would you feel then?

As for the going dark, I think it is a good idea for you. And it is hard when you have kids, it is going to take some wteel will on your part to live up to it.

I also suggest that you let him know that you're doing it, something simple. So he doesn't think this is some sort of game or trick.

"I need the space and time for me."

[Queen_of_Swords]

Alamo you said:

Going dark doesn't have to mean that you focus less on your kids during handovers. I do that with my wife, and interestingly, she seems to be practicing her own version of going dark too, i.e. she doesn't look at me, talk directly to me, or other pleasantries.

I'm not planning on focusing less on my kids, just not being there when he comes to get them. I'll send them out before he hits my door.
As for pickup I think I'll just ask him to have them waiting in the front entry and they can come out when I drive up.

Jack you said:

[/quote]That might feel good in the short term, but lets say you guys reconcile? How would you feel then?

After this long Jack I think that's as remote a possibility as our family pet sprouting wings and pooping skittles. How would I feel... probably nothing. It's just 28 year old paper and not official in any sense. The "offical" document can be ordered from the department of vital statistics and is on money grade paper that's watermarked.

Jack you also said:

I also suggest that you let him know that you're doing it, something simple. So he doesn't think this is some sort of game or trick.

I'm thinking of telling him the truth. " I hurt when I'm near you."

[alamo76]

I hope your kids are old enough to understand, or that you'll be orienting them about your plan. IMHO, it seems unfortunate that the children are expected to be "deposited" for another of their parents to pick up. Sorry if I'm coming across as harsh or rude, Scylla.

[Queen_of_Swords]

My kids are 10 and 13.
I've already let them know what the future procedure will be.

IMHO, it seems unfortunate that the children are expected to be "deposited" for another of their parents to pick up. Sorry if I'm coming across as harsh or rude,

No, not rude. I understand your perspective. It's sad the children always end up paying the higest price. In fact I'm angry about that on their behalf.

I've tried the other way Alamo, inviting STBX into my (formerly our) home. Being pleasant and polite, not intrusive or interrogative. Doesn't seem to make any difference. He still sees the limited contact we do have as too much and has said so, using words like "Always" and "Never".

I have never been invited into his home, not once.
I do not wish my kids to feel like packages, but I really don't see an alternative for my own emotional well being.

I don't want to see him, I no longer want to talk to him, not even in the most superficial manner. It only serves to remind me that he wears one hell of a good social mask.

He's made it clear multiple times he has no interest on working on us, or even working on himself. He's said he's not coming back, he's sent me email saying he wants a divorce.

I don't know what else I can do.

[2stepboogie]

Going dark is much like quiting a bad habit. It is hard at first and with kids in only becomes worse but in the end if you are able to do it, it will protect you and begin to give you time to heal.

Do it for you

It does help

[JustStunned]

SC, going dark was what it took for me to focus on me. It reduced the chaos to almost nothing and allowed me to forget about it. Well going dark and telling STBXW not to contact me unless she could do so with at least the pleasantness used for a perfect stranger. It was difficult, but I perceive your resolve.