Is filing for D a 180?

[25yearsmlc]

I have some 2 x 4s but want to give them as gently as possible...please remember that the more things YOU can change, the better.

try to see it as empowering b/c that's what it is. If you were a perfect wife, and your h wanted to leave anyhow,

then you would be powerless to change. Luckily you have things to work on!

Kaffe,
What I meant about him getting curious is that when he doesnt show up on time. First I dont text him or call anymore in the morning to either make sure he is awake or to make sure he is on his way. If he doesnt show up by a certain time I yank the kids out of bed and dress them in a hurry, get them in the car and to daycare by 6:00. Usually if he is late and hasnt texted me already then i wont get a text until after I have dropped them off. I simply reply to his text that our children have been taken care of but instead i use their names.


I'm going to give you advice you will probably ignore but it's what MY DB coach told me....it mostly worked miracles but it may not do anything for you EXCEPT REDUCE CONFLICT...but that's something.

As for the morning/daycare routine and counting on him to get them--Why don't you just take the kids on a daily basis? If your h shows up on time to help, then thank him for that but don't count on it.

Mornings are not easy for me and he sounds the same. Not his strength and there's conflict about it and a lot of tension. Sounds like it's not worth it to rely on him for this task. Let it go.

Now regarding the finances I was pushing for him to add me to his business account at first then this didnt happen.

Why should he put you on his BUSINESS account? Why would you PUSH for it? If he did not agree or did not do it, you have your answer.


I let things drop because he is talking to me about the $ but he is late late on bills.

Are they YOUR/Family bills or his?

He has checks that he gives me from a seperate venture and all he has to do is to pick them up. I need to pay bills with those checks and he was supposed to get them friday before last. Then he said oh he would get them Tuesday but i said nothing more. Then he didnt get them on Friday AGAIN. I reminded him this morning to get them..

What can YOU do to make sure this happens? How about getting direct deposit? Or picking it up yourself so you don't have any more things to complain about?

How do I get what I need without backsliding?

You learn to get what you need for yourself. Life has tradeoffs everywhere. You stop trying to control him

or get him to do or say what you want. You do it yourself, OR you make arrangements to not depend on him

OR or you let it go.. and I mean LET IT GO, not bringing it up two days later. So lose the anger...at least in front of him. NOT helping your situation at all.

Im on the verge of getting upset very upset and having an outburst.. If he doesnt give me the $ I cant pay daycare etc..

Control your temper. Find a healthy way to deal with it. You have to manage this. It's a form of bullying to blame someone else for your temper tantrums.

Please, this is NOT healthy or acceptable behavior for a w to show a h, (or your kids for that matter)...

You sound mostly stressed and angry at him and I'm pretty darn sure it shows in how you treat him.

That is NOT helping your situation. DBing is about doing what helps and NOT doing what hurts the M.

If you truly do NOT want a divorce, YOU MUST STOP THE COMBAT.

Like most husbands, yours wants peace in his home.

Im trying so hard to give him control of the things I can and he keeps being vengeful. Most everything I can ignore but this..

I don't know where you are giving him control^^^ over much except

you are giving him more tasks to do and

that's more control from YOU assigning things to do for him. Do you see how that can be seen that way?

How do I properly relay what I need about $ ? BTW he has also agreed to give me this money along with the house note. This was his arrangement not mine..

So he's giving you MORE than he needs to?

So you do have enough?

Otherwise your question seems to be

how to ensure that you can count on getting a specific amount from him which you can count on...

either he does it b/c you agree to, and you're both adults OR you

get direct deposit from his account to yours, and YOU do the legwork for this arrangement yourself

and then have him sign and agree

OR have a court order for it. That's the only way to MAKE SURE it happens that I know of.


BTW.. the house to him he sees is a burden also.. There is so much he stopped doing and he said that it makes him sick to his stomach when he has to come to the house.

of course^^^^. This happens a lot and it's overwhelming to him b/c HE is the one who has to do it all apparently...no wonder he's depressed about it. I have been in the same position.

It gets very overwhelming and you end up wanting to sell it and leave or just walk away...just to be free of it and be able to relax when you come home, and

Not have, instead, just MORE and MORE to do and a wife who is so unhappy about every "failure" of yours. While all around you and in your face you are surrounded by symbols of undone projects...more failure...and more "feedback" from your w who also thinks you are not doing well as a father too...

This situation was a recipe for his feelings of failure and desire to leave, imo.



I think that other things contribute to this as well like my mom. However she no longer lives there..

I'm sure that didn't help. He probably felt you should have stood up for him to your mother

and kept her from openly criticizing him in his own home and with his children and wife around. And he has a point.

My DB coach gave me advice that was hard to take at times. Like Mother Teresa hard, but it was worth it.

1) Lose the anger. At least in front of h. Being angry at him only validates his reasons for leaving. "W is such a bit#@" "can't wait to leave, she always nags", etc...

2) Counter his negative images with positives. If he says you have a temper, be Ghandi!! At least in front of him. Do not talk about your changes, just make them. Show non controversial things like how great the kids are doing what fun you all had, how YOU are GAL, and DO SOME 180s...

what are your 180s? What are your GAL? Have you read the Div Remedy books?

3) Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does. This can be hard! But it helps so much b/c it encourages them to do more positives and not
associate you only with negative messages.. THANK HIM FOR WHAT HE DOES OR CONTRIBUTES TO IN EVERY WAY...IF HE MOWS THE LAWN, BUT RUNS OVER A FLOWER, THANK HIM FOR MOWING THE LAWN...

it's all well and good to say you don't want a divorce but if all your interactions with him

are mostly negative b/c you are consistently dissatisfied with him, then it doesn't look like someone who wants to be married...at least not happily.

4) Decide if you want to be "right" or happy.

Hang in there and good luck.