9 Sorry for finally getting around to catching your thread. I just want you to know that your W's behavior is normal for someone that is bi polar. I went through a similar situation and after much research on the subject and some good advice I think I have a better handle on the sitch.
First off some basics on being bi polar:
Now that she has admitted to this it really goes far in explaining her behavior even the presence of OM.
See as the name implies, she goes through highs and she goes through lows. As spouses we love the high, they are industrious, loving, sweet and a lot of fun to be around with.
When she is low I imagine she is moody and angry, and nothing can get her to calm down except time.
She can't help being in either state. The angry texts are definitely evidence of the low state. I'll talk about these in a second.
The worst part is that most of the time she probably can't realize or admit that she is in either state. All she knows is that she is really angry or really sad she doesn't know why or can't explain which makes things worse. She may do things which may seem extreme, reckless or hurtful. All she can focus on is her pain/loneliness/anger and will do anything to make the pain go away, no matter what the cost to her or those around her.
Now how do you and OM fit in this?
I'm sure that during the beginning you were everything for her, you guys probably had a lot of good times. As time rolled by real life problems kicked in along with "low" episodes. All of a sudden she can't explain why she feels so sad, she probably couldn't handle basic situations. So she looked for an explanation for all her unhappiness, she blamed you.
You also mentioned that she felt powerless all these years. I know all about this too. What she really means is that she feels helpless in controlling her emotions, she feels she is not in control of herself, and by extension her life. Often these feelings are compounded by her role as the home maker and primary child caretaker. She may feel like she wasted her life or did nothing with it. As she goes through these lows because you are the one there she associates you with them. So when she says that you have made her miserable it's not true. You just happen to be an innocent bystander that got caught up in the whirlwind of her emotions. In other words you are mr low.
As for OM he is mr high. Being with him at one point was new and exciting. Most importantly it wasn't you. Anybody would have done (which explains why she chose a scumbag). The key point here is that when this all started you were mr low and he was mr high. You used to be mr high but most likely years of misplaced resentment knocked you off that pedestal.
Now her relationship with OM has gone on for awhile which explains why all of a sudden she is having doubts. When she was with you he was her knight in shining armor coming to rescue her from a life of misery and resentment. As she left with OM reality is setting in she is realizing that real life issues will set in on this new R too. By now she has probably had some low episodes with OM. Her words and actions show that she may be realizing this.
She may be realizing how much better she had it with you and her family. So why isn't she back then? That's because she has spent a long time convincing herself that you are mr low and OM is mr high. It's why she still has doubts things will work out, it's probably why she can't bring herself to the realization that OM is not worth it. She is having a hard time accepting she may have been wrong all along. It's not because she is stubborn, but because her emotions on both highs and lows have been soo strong that she can't believe that these emotions are wrong no matter how high the mountain of evidence otherwise.
So what does this all mean? She needs to learn that leaving mr low looking for mr high is just a recipe for a series of failed relationships and more pain for her, and those that care about her. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences both for her and for those that care for her. She needs to learn that you will not tolerate you hurting you or the family. Many will disagree but I think your OW was a good wake up call for her. Seeing OW made her feel the pain she gave you. All of a sudden she has a new perspective. Her angry texts are just more evidence of her inability to control her runaway emotions.
When this happens let her rant, yell scream, as long as she does not direct the anger to the children or start hurting herself or others, let her scream. In fact this is the time you need to go dark the most. As she will most likely try to bait you into the fight. Getting you to fight back validates to her that she is not the unreasonable one, you are just a jerk. Dont give her more ammo just be polite and state that you will not take abuse. Once she cools down let her approach you.
Most importantly remember it's is not your job to be Mr high. It's impossible condition will never allow any man to be that for long. Instead you need to be mr stable. You need to be her emotional rock and be strong for both you and her. She needs to feel safe, yet feel in control of her own life. You need to first be a good friend.
Well I may be completely wrong so I'll stop here. Let me know what you think of all this.
