Somewhere between filing and D

[jon2911]

I drove in on Tuesday before the 4th. I had mentioned to W that I wanted to buy some jeans. We went out to Fuzzy's Tacos, a very hip college place that's unusual in her town. She loved the margaritas. She had coupons for Old Navy and JC Penney, and we really put them to good use. I fit in much smaller clothes than before, which was exhilarating. We also hit a Bed Bath and Beyond sale and had a great time. W has become quite the coupon user, which is a big change. It's one of the few things she can control right now, and she's doing a great job.

She had a birthday burger coupon at Fuddruckers, and while we were there she said "I think you can stay with me tonight, because things are nice now, but let's see about tomorrow". Then she let me sleep in her bed. No ML, which probably wouldn't have been a good idea anyway, but it was very nice.

The next day I got breakfast from a donut place she loves and worked from GFIL's office all day while she washed my new clothes and did her laundry. She mentioned not doing laundry in several weeks, and being worried about getting pulled over because of some unpaid tickets. Things haven't been going well for her, but she really seemed to enjoy having me there, and was surprised how well we got along.

That night she wanted to talk business, and I told her we need to get the taxes figured out before things can proceed, because that will be the biggest part of the D. She said she wanted to know I'm not just "sticking my head in the sand" about it. I told her no. She mentioned that she spent a lot of money to file. It was a tough conversation, and I went to sit on the back patio and pray afterwards. She let her black lab Coco come with me. It's hard that she still wants this, and is ignoring the friendship and love we have. I wondered why I was even there, but kept acting as if.

I stayed that night, and the next day found her crying in the living room. She was the 1-year anniversary of her grandma's death. She said GMIL was her favorite out of everyone. She mentioned going to the cemetery, and I said I'd like to go. She quickly said "I need to go alone". I didn't push it, and later she asked if I would drive her to a vet's appointment and then the graveside. I even used some coupons shopping while she was at the vet. Her aunt, GFIL, GMIL, and MIL all share a small mausoleum. I watched from afar back in December but hadn't been there yet. I helped her place flowers around it and then gave her some time alone.

We drove around town a little after that, and she pointed out memories from her mom and grandma. It's really taken me typing this to process it all. I didn't know how to help her and be there for her when MIL died 4 months into our marriage. This time I did, and it really felt like an amends, to all of them. I'm so thankful.

We had a nice dinner, watched a movie, then made some good headway on the taxes. That night she had tough night, with some nightmares. At one point she woke up crying and said "they're gone now, in the grave". It was so sad. I can't help her work through this, but I can be there for her.

I made a call to my Grandpa last week. He told me how proud of me he is for sticking this out, that it seems obvious that Someone has it all under control. My dad told me the same thing. I stayed several days after the 4th and he helped me fix one more thing on my truck, but I'm getting much better at that now.

I also really love having a roommate. It's hard to describe what it's like to have someone at home when I get there, after all these years. This was a good move, for me, whatever W decides.

It's been uncomfortable and tough to sort through so much stuff and clean the place for him. I had really let the stuff pile up, boxes of papers, etc. Spent lots of time on that this weekend. I have work to do, and even writing all this has been very emotional, but I will keep on.