You and your husband engage in a lot of "fuzzy" communication. That's not a knock (my wife and I do the EXACT same thing!) -- just an observation.
One of the things you need to try to communicate to him is that "I don't know" = "NO" when you ask him for no contact with OW, and to work on your marriage, unencumbered by the influence of a third party. Like a rebellious teenager, "I don't know" needs to, quite simply, be taken OFF THE TABLE as a valid response.
I'm a little confused by what you meant here:
Quote:
He stated his trying was having no contact with ow any longer.
If he's saying "I'm 'trying' by agreeing to have no contact with OW," then that's fine -- you should cement that by requiring that he send OW a no-contact letter (the copy to be approved by you, and to be delivered by you), and agree to a transparency plan with you.
If, however, he's saying "I'm 'trying' by TRYING to maintain no-contact with OW," then I'm sorry, that's not good enough. No-contact is a DECISION, and as that funny little guy on Star Wars said, "There is no 'try' . . . only 'do.' "
Quote:
The convo ended with him saying everyone says it takes time and that's what I'm doing.
If it were me, I'd try to pin him down on this. Yes, once he agrees to no-contact with OW (and to a transparency plan with you that ensures that it's maintained), it's going to take time for him to get "those" feelings back for you -- maybe as much as 6-24 months ("ouch," I know, but I'm being realistic here). But that's a HUGE difference from not agreeing to end all contact with OW, and just see if his feelings for you magically reappear. They won't. OPs have a very strong emotional and even physiological (chemical) influence on a wayward spouse's brain, and he's going to remain emotionally blocked to you as long as he's in contact with her.
I know this is really, REALLY hard, but his hugs at the end of these exchanges are his way of reeling you back in, and "making sure ol' Rileybug is OK with all of this." You need to pull waaaaayy back from him, in my opinion, until he confronts some of these boundaries that you've laid out, and gives you some clearer indication of what he intends to do. Remember, YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE -- SEVERAL TIMES -- and the definition of "insanity" is "doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different result."
Starsky
P.S. If you want to cut thru all the clutter of my verbage above, you may want to consider saying to him "Well, 'I don't know' doesn't work for me anymore, so I need to know what your intentions are regarding this marriage, and I need to know very soon. Otherwise, we both have some important decisions to make. I'm going to bed, goodnight." (and then walk out, with NO HUGS)
