GAL, shorter is generally better and most of your responses are on the short side, so that's a good start.
Definitely *don't* send anything in blue. I'd probably also shorten the bowling response to "Sure, you are welcome to come bowling. We will be there at the usual time"
I'm sure that if Starsky comes along, he'll have this down to a three sentence reply that encompasses everything Hope this helps!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Just received another e-mail from W, just asking if I received her e-mail yesterday and to let her know my thoughts........
Spoke to soon yesterday, in that I struggled to get to sleep last night, thinking and had a bloody Shania Twain song going round in my head, LOL
I was also thinking about the pics from brothers party, in that D14 only took 2, so w must gave got them off nieces fb, as w deleted SIL, and brother doesn't have fb, so w must have searched them out.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Some potential responses below (this is difficult as it my kids welfare here!)
1) Basic 2) Is based on my 180’s and trying to be diplomatic (sounds “preachy” now reading it though) 3) Middle of the road 4) No holds barred
Red = Text in all options Blue = Additional text in options 2 & 3 Black = Option specific
General stuff first
Hi, the 12/08 was just a Friday originally for a surprise 40th you had, is this now changed? Looking at 10/09 I think I got it wrong, as this is my weekend without the kids anyhow, so I don’t need to swap. I don’t mind having the kids for the additional Friday night.
Options for the response regarding S12
1) Obviously the situation which the kids find themselves in is very difficult for them, this was evident in the argument which they had a couple of weeks back which I told you about.
I do not want to get involved, or inform you where, as you say “you are going wrong”, you need to figure this out
2) Obviously the situation which the kids find themselves in is very difficult for them, this was evident in the argument which they had a couple of weeks back which I told you about.
S12 said also that he is reluctant to tell you everything as he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. You know what S12 is like, he is a worrier and he actually said to me on a couple of occasions he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. S12 is at an age where he is very impressionable and looks up to his dad (I was like that at his age, he needs this) and wants to do things with me, D14 on the other hand is mature for her age and wants to be with her friends, she shares things and talks to her friends about the situation, S12 doesn’t do this.
Now I am not going to preach anything to you or as I said before “try and fix things”, thus you need to have a detailed look into how you interact with the kids, especially with some of the information I said to you a couple of weeks back when S12 didn’t want to come last time.
I do not want to get involved, or inform you where, as you say “you are going wrong”, as I have said before, it’s all about choice and people have to figure things out for themselves.
S12 told me last night that he would like to stay home, and come to yours every other Thur/Fri/Sat[color:#CC0000]
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
3) Obviously the situation which the kids find themselves in is very difficult for them, this was evident in the argument which they had a couple of weeks back which I told you about.
S12 said also that he is reluctant to tell you everything as he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. You know what S12 is like, he is a worrier and he actually said to me on a couple of occasions he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. S12 is at an age where he is very impressionable and looks up to his dad (I was like that at his age, he needs this) and wants to do things with me, D14 on the other hand is mature for her age and wants to be with her friends, she shares things and talks to her friends about the situation, S12 doesn’t do this.
Now I am not going to go into specific details as to what S12 actually said, as you need to have a detailed look into how you interact with the kids, especially with some of the information I said to you a couple of weeks back when S12 didn’t want to come last time.
I do not want to get involved, or inform you where, as you say “you are going wrong”, as I have said before, its all about choice and people have to figure things out for themselves.
What I will say however is when the kids are with me, we do things together, have fun and make us all feel good. When at home they have clear boundaries which they know, I don’t need to go on about them, thus the shouting and arguing is minimal, if any at all. They know the rules of the house and the consequences of not following them. I treat them respectfully of these boundaries and rules and it helps us get on really well. I give them pocket money and money for their cards on a weekly basis, if things aren’t done, or there are arguments this value reduces, they know and accept this.
I try and offer some stability during these difficult times for them, and assure them of how much I love them (with actions, not just words, and that book helped with that, that is what it was for!) They then see, not hear it.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
4) Obviously the situation which the kids find themselves in is very difficult for them, this was evident in the argument which they had a couple of weeks back which I told you about.
S12 said also that he is reluctant to tell you everything as he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. You know what S12 is like, he is a worrier and he actually said to me on a couple of occasions he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. S12 is at an age where he is very impressionable and looks up to his dad (I was like that at his age, he needs this) and wants to do things with me, D14 on the other hand is mature for her age and wants to be with her friends, she shares things and talks to her friends about the situation, S12 doesn’t do this.
When the kids are with me, we do things together, have fun and make us all feel good. When at home they have clear boundaries which they know, I don’t need to go on about them, thus the shouting and arguing is minimal, if any at all. They know the rules of the house and the consequences of not following them. I treat them respectfully of these boundaries and rules and it helps us get on really well. I give them pocket money and money for their cards on a weekly basis, if things aren’t done, or there are argument this value reduces, they know and accept this.
I try and offer some stability during these difficult times for them, and assure them of how much I love them (with actions, not just words, and that book helped with that, that is what it was for!) They then see, not hear.
Both D14 and S12 do not like coming around to you place much, they have both said to me that they feel sorry for you, but want to see you that is why they do go round. Both kids call your place, “Mums flat”, and here “Home”, this is how they feel
Look, I have not said anything to them except what I told you previously after they had the argument. I have reassured them that this is their home and always will be and they are welcome to stay here whenever they like, plus I have told them that they need to see you, as you are their Mum. I have not said anything to you regarding the additional money I have to find to pay for S12 when he is staying here when he should be at yours as I just want the kids to be happy, go where they want to and give them some stability. Money is not important at the moment.
You asked me specifically what you are doing wrong, well I could go on, but I won’t, you should have a good idea of some of the areas. You need to appreciate the situation which they find themselves in. The specific issues S12 has are as follows (sorry, but you asked)
1) Feels left out as you do more with D14 than him 2) Feels D14 has sleepovers and he doesn’t 3) Feels you put D14 first 4) don’t call him as often as D14 5) doesn’t like all the arguing 6) doesn’t like the shouting and swearing etc 7) Gets bored, has nothing to do 8) Does nothing when he is with you 9) Gets banished to the stairs 10) Lies under his bed often 11) Cannot watch tv 12) Wants to be with his dad more (obviously he is at that age where he looks up to his dad) 13) Doesn’t like the way you treat him in general 14) Doesn’t like you throwing in his face to “go to you (insert swear word here) dads then” when arguing
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
After that point, it starts to sound like I'm being talked down to, and I'm sure you don't want that.
Keep it simple and to the point.
When she asks for your help, she isn't asking you to point out her flaws and explain how she's messing up. She's also not asking to be compared to what you are doing. As I recall, she already feels as though she's a bit on the short end of things.
Simple. Straightforward.
If she asks for more clarification, that is NOT your opening for the rest. Stick to the KIDS and how THEY feel. This is not about you.
You've got an opportunity here.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
GAL Man i would also be careful, and I'm saying this not knowing anything about your W and how she is, but be careful not to say anything that W can use to make your S12 feel bad. dont put him in the middle.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hope this helps!