Albuquerque living part 3:Strapped in for the ride

[Albuquerque]

Thanks for your kind words World,

As I continue to muddle through this MLC land, I continue to get glimpses into what they (the MLCer) are really going through. Like most LBS, I saw my husband going on trips, having fun with the OW, buying expensive things, having no responsibility regarding D etc. They seem to have it all. And yet, once my H came back, he recounted how he REALLY felt. Alone, depressed, lying in bed all day, drinking himself silly. It's all a mirage. It's all a vain attempt at happiness. But it's just not real. And it's so hard for most people to really grasp because some MLCers will NEVER let people in to what's really going on in their head.

In my last post, I mentioned how my H accidentally went off his meds. That week was tough for me. He nearly ignored me all day one day. It was hurtful. Switching back to his meds have made a world of difference. But his demeanor wasn't terrible. He made an attempt to look functional and he joined us for dinner and engaged D and everything. I could tell he was a bit "off" but not a huge difference. And yet, I hadn't realized he had posted on his "journal blog" that he shares with me at that time. In it, he recounted how depressed he felt. That he often felt like suicide would be a good thing although he was quick to state he wouldn't really do it, just venting about how depressed he was. And then a day later, he had a blog that simply stated
F*** my life. I just want to scream in impotent rage.
I didn't see his posts until after he restarted his meds. But I had no idea at the time how deeply disturbed he was feeling. So while I was getting all frustrated at his detachment from me, he was fighting to find a reason to live. Kind of puts things into perspective.

I see a lot of frustration on these boards by the LBS. And I understand it because I'm still living it in a lot of ways. How can they shirk all their responsibilities with the kids. How can they not see the pain they cause. How can they be so selfish. All very common questions. I think the answer in a lot of cases is that quite frankly, they are so lost in their own minds and their own despair that they don't have the ability to look outside of themselves. They are battling their own demons so to speak. They don't have the time or energy to do anything else. This in no way excuses their behavior and I don't mean to imply that. Many in that situation search out for help. My H has received some in the means of AD. But others are too proud or too blind to see the actual issue. And so they fight for their sanity by finding any way to cure their despair. This comes in the form of OP, expensive things, new lifestyle etc.

Just the other evening, H came to bed and snuggled up to me and simply stated "Thanks for not giving up on me". It's moments like that that reenergize my battery. But like you said, there are no guarantees. I don't know where we will end up. I don't think H is mentally ready to completely reconnect with me because he's still trying to find himself. I'm thankful (in a way) for the time we spent apart (as painful as it was). It allowed me to become a whole person who can stand alone and be OK with that. I don't NEED my H to make me happy and that's a good thing since a lot of times, he's too broken to do so. I posted on your thread about taking care not to date too early. Be sure you are OK on your own. Concentrate on YOU. Focus on improving yourself. That is the only way you are guaranteed to come out of this a winner.