Johnnieno1, I've been following your sitch, and I'm going to chime in here with something you probably already know but have not done:
you've gotta grow a pair.
NO WOMAN, whether she's single, happily married, unhappily married, divorced, or _______________(fill in the blank) wants to have anything to do with a weak man. And you are coming off as a weak man to your W. Stop communicating. Stop acting like a hurt puppy.
GET A LIFE.
We have all been where you are. And we have all found out this type of behavior does not work.
Read that again: "This type of behavior does not work." Ever.
I have been living with my W since the bomb dropped 4 months ago. I did everything you have been doing. It got me nowhere. I took the advice of the veterans on this site and pulled back; way back. I took back my role of "Man of the House." That does not mean I became a controlling bully or continued to be a whiny little boy. But I do not go out of my way to avoid my W. She is the one who is threatening to walk so I let her deal with any discomfort. I come and go without saying a word. I make my own meals, do my own laundry and basically live as if she were not in the house.
If you continue to try and change your W or the situation, you will fail. You will drive her away faster than you can believe, and she will see no reason to return.
Stop talking. Start doing.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
I am putting the suggestions into play. Even though my heart can't let go, I have to act as if and move forward. I sometimes wonder though if my efforts to start my GAL are true to me. What I am trying to say is, I really have no interest in going out to bars and that stuff. I went through that stage for many years before I met my wife and to be honest, was very unhappy in that life. I always wanted to get married,settle down and raise a family (what I am doing now). Being a great father and husband, is fulfilling to me.
I know that once my wife makes the step to adress her affair to me, and her family, she will suddenly realize the life she has been living. I have been a loving husband to her dispite my flaws and she has lived a comfortable lifestyle. With my changes and the fact that I have kept them going, I think that with some time and a lot more effort she will realize what we have had right here all along, patience, fortitude, understanding, determination and most importantly forgiveness, will see me through. Hopefully that realization will cause her to rethink her actions. I know that deep down, she does still love me, she is just confused about it, and the fact is that her mlc, home daycare crisis are major contributing factors as well. I have not given it my all yet. I know that if we get to the stage of a separation agreement, I will refuse to sign it untill we have been to marriage counseling.
If we can't get through mc, then it will be time to move along, however I am still going to be a fantastic father.
I am going to repost a question I asked in one of my previous threads that I never got a response to... Hopefully someone can share their thoughts...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I would NOT be doing that for an opportunity to TALK. In fact, I don't really want to TALK about it at all.
BINGO.
Here's something about TALKING that I saved in my archives awhile back:
Quote:
Types of Convos
Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
Also, I am wondering if a WAW, can be influenced to be a WAW, by someone else's coaching. One of my W friends is newly separated about 14 months now. My wife's behavior changed drastically when she started hanging out with this person more. I know that my w was not overjoyed with our marriage, but I always thought it was due to the home daycare stress. All of which would relieve itself in time. My W is the type of person who can be easily influenced by someone with a more dominant personality. I've seen it in how she mimicked her sister b4 her friend came into the picture...
She started dressing like her friend... She started wearing dark makeup like her friend. She started going to the gym like her friend. She started going out on the weekends instead of spending time with me, like her friend... She got a blackberry so she could text her friend... She met OM through her friend
The list goes on.
Now, I am not blaming this on the friend, but could the friend be coaching my wife in a misguided attempt to help her? Has my wife chosen to model these behaviors after her example,, it just seems too convenient. Will she ever go back to herself again? Will she realize that she is not being true ie to herself?
At one point last year I called her on it... I said "I married YOU! Not "friend". She got angry and said not to blame "friend" for her changes.
Interestingly enough my wife's sister told her in essence the same thing about how miserable people attract misery and it affects this around them negatively. I think she was right on target with her comments. My wife has responded to her sister by pulling away from their relationship too.
Thoughts anyone?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I am putting the suggestions into play. Even though my heart can't let go, I have to act as if and move forward. I sometimes wonder though if my efforts to start my GAL are true to me. What I am trying to say is, I really have no interest in going out to bars and that stuff. I went through that stage for many years before I met my wife and to be honest, was very unhappy in that life. I always wanted to get married,settle down and raise a family (what I am doing now). Being a great father and husband, is fulfilling to me.
This is a common misconception about "GAL." Somewhere along the line, a bunch of folks -- esp. the guys -- equated it with "drinking with my buddies."
Your GAL activities should be a reflection of WHO YOU ARE; things that you maybe neglected as you "lost yourself" in unhealthy co-dependency in your marriage. Some great alternatives are to coach a youth sports team, do volunteer work at something that means something to you, be a Big Brother to an underprivileged child, etc.
Some of these involve getting yourself into a strong place emotionally, first, but I think something structured, a volunteer job with someone else in charge, would do WONDERS for you right now, Johnnie.
What sorts of things, causes, activities, mean a lot to you, Johnnie?
First of all, don't answer all of her messages if it's not necessary. Forget about the friendly banter. There is a time and place for it and now's not the time. Obviously your health is suffering because of it.
If she messages you, respond with "hey I can't talk right now, I'm out. I'll get back to you later." Then turn off the phone.
Show her you've moved on. Where is she living now?
Agree 100%
If W text you, and is not vital to respond, DON'T....
Replying ASAP shows you are waiting for her, and shows clingyness and neediness.
By not responding shows strength, courage and non neediness. Let W desire build so she contacts you again.(if not vital to do so)
IF you need to reply, keep it basic and vague, such as "hi, got you message, been really busy, hope u are well)
You are then not opening up a conversation.
Look, this may mean nothing but my W emailed me yesterday being friendly for the first time and not regarding the kids totally. I have yet to reply, but got another email from het this morning asking if I got her mail and asking me for my thoughts. I will keep the reply basic and send in another couple of hours.
Just my 2p
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
