Grr, why are you upset with yourself for confronting your H? I am not saying you were wrong or right. It isn't up to me to judge that (and I am not making a response to anyone else who may have either). My question is why? Why did you feel the need to confront him? And why are you upset with yourself for doing it?
From my own personal view, if my W did something similar and I had a similar reaction/action, my introspection is that I do care about my W and what she is doing/has done and we had made a committment to each other that was supposed to last a lifetime.
Were you wrong? I have no idea. Sometimes I think it isn't a bad thing to let our other half know what they are doing is wrong (it may not be good DBing though but...).
I do care about what you are going through. I am sorry.
the situation you are in [censored] balls...no two ways around it
I think ian is right, however, there comes a time when we have to smack ourselves for doing the dumb things that we know we shouldn't do.
no one is saying to hide yourself in a closet while you rock in the fetal position repeating "I'm baaaaaad...I'm baaaaaaaaad"
rather
acknowledge that you obviously have feelings for him even though you might not want to even though you don't always
heck I have been divorced from abusive ex #1 (oh yes...there are 2) for over 12 years....I had to have a phone court meeting with him about child support and I was sweating bullets
I haven't heard his voice in 10 or 11 years...he hasn't seen his kids in the same amount of time... but
still
the fear was real
it was there
for 2 weeks before that court date I was snarky and nervous and everything else
you bet your booty I let him affect me
dumb dumb me
I KNOW better
it's that sort of thing
it's OK to have feelings for someone, even if they are a douchbag and don't deserve anything it's OK to want something that might not even be healthy for you
what we have to remember is that ultimately, we need to act on what is best for us...what will bring us most peace and what will advance us, not set us back. When we make the bad choices, we need to own up to them immediately so we don't prolong those choices and we can get back on the right road instead of meandering down "Bad For You" lane
What were you hoping to gain by confronting your H?
Moving forward, especially through MLC, is a treacherous road...
One that will smack us in the face with something almost daily if we allow that to happen...
You, Denver, 2Step, want to go with the "only human" excuse, that is up to you...
However, when knowing that accepting that you are "only human" leads you to a painful place, it doesn't make much sense to me to go there...
Personally, I got to where I didn't want to hurt anymore, and I knew certain things that I did (snooping, confronting, arguing) was going to bring me pain, and I stopped doing those things...
At the time it wasn't because I was done with the M, it was because I was done allowing myself to be hurt. I was done hurting myself. Because it wasn't my H's actions that were causing the pain, it was my need to know everything, when I didn't need to know everything...
I learned everything that I really needed to learn, as I needed to learn it, without going looking for any information and I was in a much better place emotionally when I did learn it than if I had gone looking for it...
No one here in MLC is trying to be cruel to you, however, MLC is cruel, it is brutal, it is full of ugly truths that we must all learn to deal with...
In order to heal, in order to move forward, in order to be happy...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hey Cat. I wasn't actually disagreeing with the concept that you are talking about. I am saying that the mistakes that we make on our journey to learning are human. I'm pretty comfortable in assuming that there is not one single poster here, vet, newbie, or otherwise, who did not make mistakes that caused them pain.
Humans learn (hopefully) by making mistakes. Mistakes made out of human emotion are, well, human.
Like 2Step said, no one here is a robot.
And, I think that sometimes, people here need some comfort in their time of pain... whether or not that pain is the result of a mistake that they SHOULD have avoided.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
And hopefully, we only have to touch that hot stove once before we learn the lessons...
MLC is a very long journey...
Longer than most people can imagine...
Light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't usually come in 6 months or a year...
Often not in two or three years...
While we can all empathize, those that have been here a long time, like J3B, Ian, Figgy, myself (the list goes on) also understand that the continued "comfort" when we repeated our mistakes, wasn't as helpful as someone asking us, why we kept causing damage to ourselves...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hey Cat. I wasn't actually disagreeing with the concept that you are talking about.
I just gotta ask…
Which is it?
Because words and words aren’t exactly matching up here…
I completely disagree that telling someone that they should beat themselves up over a mistake, as sofaraway did, is a good way to communicate what you and Fig are trying to convey.
I completely disagree that saying 'we are only human' is a mere excuse. It is true, we are human. And as I said, there is not one single person on this board that has not made a mistake or felt an emotion due to being 'only human'.
BUT, I agree with you and Fig that we cannot use it to justify repeated mistakes forever.
I guess my main point is that there is a good way to communicate this, as I think you and Fig did... and a way, tough love you may call it, that some people may find hurtful... Some people do not respond well to that... and, worst case scenerio, some people could be driven away from this board. I certainly don't think that is helpful.
All I'm saying...
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
