WAW, Filing as Fast as Possible

[aeolianchaos]

don't share any subscriptions together - move out, move on, get away from her. Are you still DBing or are you moving on? I think those boundaries are important. I know you keep bringing up that you think you went dark too fast, but it is what it is now - she has her own momentum going and I don't think anything you do or not do right now is going to affect that

Thanks for chiming in LilaGirl,

The produce subscription thing is something we signed up for the week before she admitted PA. It's like she was going through the motions of collaboratively creating our life/future plans but at the same time was getting internally pounded with her own shame/guilt. I ended up paying the cost for it but she has expressed an interest in sharing w/ me.

As I think she has that 'He's like my best friend' rationalization going - I'm hesitant to engage in 'BFF' activities that would promote her being more 'ok' with her actions. She tends to surround herself w/ enablers and I am sensitive to being one. I would like her to be second-guessing herself and realizing that life would be very different than it had been before (not the least of which is, I'm not depressed or burnt out..)

Am I DBing or moving on? Can't I have both?

I feel like I am doing my best to move on in the sense that I am not putting my life on hold (ok.. I'm trying not to, but I'd appreciate anyone jumping in and pointing it out when I am..) based on what W does. I am trying to move forward on a lot of fronts at once (I am going to post more on this later..).

But - I feel that in many ways DBing is all about moving on. Moving on from the dysfunctionality of the relationship that I used to have. Moving on from the behaviors that were causing problems for me and my M. Moving on in terms of my own evolution and getting unstuck in terms of the aspects of my M that I had gotten comfortable in to my own detriment. Moving on in regards to my hurt from the A and the many hurtful things that W has said to me in the past 1.5 years. Moving on from the hurtful stuff that I did, too.

I guess I could be more explicitly DBing - I know that there are 37 rules that show up around here a lot, and I have read them repeatedly. For the most part, I don't get much opportunity to screw those up as we are so NC at the moment. What I do know is that I still love my W and have compassion for her and what she may be experiencing internally.

Even if she feels no guilt or shame (she will claim she does), I have compassion for the fact that she thinks her actions and choices are being taken in the pursuit of her happiness.

It has only been 7 weeks and I have picked up on the idea that these things take time. Time is fine - I have a lot of work to do on myself and a lot of growing that is immediately obvious to me. It would be fantastic if she can get to a point where she can deal with her stuff and I can deal with my stuff, and we could deal with our stuff. I would like to get to a place where we could be creating and communicating together again. But right now we are not and so I am going to move forward as best I can for me and my benefits. I know that these things might be attractive to her but they might not and that's okay too.