Hi all I wanted to send a quick introduction. I have been reading here for some time and really have learned a lot already from you all.
I have been M 18 yrs and T 20 with 2 children. We separated 5 years into marriage when H had an EA turned PA. We were separated for 1 year and I filed for divorce. Just as that was about to be finalized, we reconciled.
In recent years, we have been having some issues. H has an issue with alcohol and substances and it has recently escalated (mainly the alcohol). When he is not quite himself he makes very poor choices and has put me in situations that I am not comfortable in. I recently put my foot down in the beginning of this year and he has not put me in those situations any longer.
In recent months we have had quite heated arguments and sadly our kids have heard some of them (they are teenagers). I told him that we can't have that, and he agreed fully. When I asked for counseling he declined and said he does not believe in it at all.
Since reading parts of the book and also reading here, I have made some changes and realizations this week especially.
I have stopped talking about the R and trying to GAL. When making plans and GAL angered him, I wasn't sure what to do. He actually said that he needed to make sure it was "even" and every time I do something, he will too. It feels like a MLC but sadly I thought the PA was that, do we get two MLC's in life?
So reading here is enlightening. I plan to make changes for me and the kids, and learn as much as I can.
I can honestly say that in reading here I am also learning where I have been at fault and really trying to make a conscious effort on my end to change that as well.
Looking forward to getting to know you all and reading more
Thanks DG. It is very hard to be here and I keep thinking that I am going to wake up and things will be better or it was a bad dream. Sadly, not the case. H and I took the kids to dinner last night and he couldn't make eye contact with me which hurts. The tension and distance between us is almost as painful as an argument. Where we used to be so loving. I'm not sure how things changed and when.
This week is all about me GAL. I deserve it. My kids deserve it.
Reading here really helps, and I am learning so much.
When I read that your H wanted to go tit-4-tat on GAL, I just about coughed up my coffee... really?
Of course, you understand that DB is for YOU, which means so is GAL, DARK, LRT, 180, etc, etc... It is not for your H to play along with the home game...
Are you discussing GAL with your H? Or are you just planning GAL activities and he sees it on the calendar and then says "since you are going out, so am i"...?
When he is not quite himself he makes very poor choices and has put me in situations that I am not comfortable in. I recently put my foot down in the beginning of this year and he has not put me in those situations any longer.
Sounds to me like you did a 180 in this situation and it produced some positive results. What are some other 180s you are working on?
Originally Posted By: Chances
It is very hard to be here and I keep thinking that I am going to wake up and things will be better or it was a bad dream. Sadly, not the case. H and I took the kids to dinner last night and he couldn't make eye contact with me which hurts. The tension and distance between us is almost as painful as an argument. Where we used to be so loving. I'm not sure how things changed and when.
I remember this feeling all too well. I thought I'd wake up one day and my W would say, "Just kidding!". This was the deepest pain I've ever known.
Originally Posted By: Chances
This week is all about me GAL. I deserve it. My kids deserve it.
Good for you. This will help definitely help you. Hopefully it will ultimately help your M.
Sorry it took me so long to reply, was out of town for a week. Kaffe, I wasn't discussing GAL with him and that was what angered him. He was upset that I was making plans with some girlfriends for a 'girls night' at one of their homes. He felt that since I was doing that, he will now plan an expensive trip to Vegas. When I expressed my concern about the cost he said that I was telling him what to do. I ended up dropping it completely. He has brought it up a time or two but I feel like he is baiting me so I haven't discussed it yet.
I m reading like crazy around here trying to get my mind around what is happening to me, and seeing so many similarities in all of the other posts. I will be re-reading DR again and hope to schedule with a DB coach this week if I can, I think I need it
I have been working to GAL. Went to church alone yesterday which was nice. H came looking for me and asked to spend time together, watching a movie of my choice. Had some time on the porch after and I had a backslide and started asking questions about relationship issues, he started to clam up again. Work days are too busy to discuss anything and days off are to enjoy and not discuss anything serious. I realized my error and zipped it. Went to bed with no further discussion, no argument.
I need to fully understand DB in order to work it which is why I am re-reading. If nothing else it will help me to GAL no matter which way things go for us.
What a crazy roller coaster this is. I don't recognize him sometimes and I don't like that feeling.
Journaling while I wait for my post to be moderated
Received a few short emails from H today and responded with very short answers, required responses or I would have let them go.
Later in the day got an email requesting we do something one night this week and offered two nights to pick from. Not sure if this is due to the slide that I had last night when talking about the relationship (which I now regret doing). This could change, he tends to plan something with me and then cancel at the last second. Happens quite frequently these days.
He also requested my "travel plans" for the rest of the month so he could get them on the calendar. One is a work trip and one is a girls weekend, but he needs to know dates to ensure the kids are covered. I just got a strange vibe when he asked for the dates. I have to assume it was just for the kids and nothing else.
I have no reason to believe yet that the is OW this time around and don't want to jump there unnecessarily. I can't assume and I am certainly not digging for proof. You know what they say, if you dig enough you will find something. Not going there.
He has verbalized in the past month that he is "unhappy with himself" and "needs to break out of his rut". Feels like he does the same thing every day, etc. That is when he started to distance from me noticably (sp?).
He is definitely only hanging out with friends who will support his selfish behavior and drinking to excess. He has not been hanging out with other friends recently, the ones I would consider better for him. I just stand back and watch.
He has absolutely stopped caring about anything that is happening in my life, either personally or professionally.
I honestly don't know what to do about the night this week that he is requesting. I don't know which end is up most days right now.
Journaling again, can't wait until I am no longer moderated. I feel like I might repeat myself because I can't see any of my posts from yesterday
Had an interesting night last night. H worked late and then went to the gym and didn't get home until 8:30. I didn't ask anything, just reading my book on the porch, smiled and said hello. He went about his business and I caught up with a friend on the phone. By the time I wrapped up he was joining me on the porch. It was awkward to say the least. I still struggle with old habits and had to consciously respond. He was filling me in on his day basically.
This morning I did a 180, did not make coffee for the house and watch the news as I normally do before work. I got up and went to the gym first thing, and he was gone when I got back. There was a note on the counter saying "Good morning, hope you have a great day" when I got back. Certainly proof that the 180's work and what I was doing was not working at all for either of us.
I know I need to make changes and I am excited to GAL and make me happy. I hope in the meantime I can save and strengthen my marriage. There is a lot of work to do.
I have my first call with a DB coach today. Looking forward to it.
Woke up with a little anxiety over my situation, the not knowing is tough sometimes, especially since we do still live together. Not knowing if a MLC or an EA is what we are dealing with. Thankfully due to DB and my DB coach my urge to snoop is being squashed. What good would it do? It would only hurt me in the long run. Just keep doing what I am doing and GAL
Got up to do a 180 and go for a walk this morning. H didn't open his eyes, just said "bye" which was a complete opposite of yesterday. Trying not to read into it and breath through this anxious feeling and keep taking the steps that I need to take.
After my walk I just couldn't bring myself to go back into the house, so I am drinking coffee out in my office and catching up on the boards. I don't want to do or say something that would be negative, and not sure I am strong enough at this moment. So I am re-reading the notes from my call with DB coach yesterday.
I think the hardest part is not knowing. It seems like such a whirlwind but in reality I guess it may not have been. So many times I don't recognize this person. Hopefully once I GAL I won't recognize myself either
