My W and I have been married for 8 and a half years and together for almost ten we have a beautiful 7 year old D. When we met it was a whirlwind romance. No one could tear us apart. We got married one year to the day after we met. Then four months later we found out we where pregnant. We were super excited. I think the birth of my D was a major wake up call for me and I made some big decisions at that point. I decided the day my D was born that I was going back to school and get my degree.
I went back to school and things did get tough for all of us. I didn't work much and we lived off of financial aid and the money my wife made at her job. We both worked really hard during this time. So, in May of 2008 I graduated and started looking for a job as a teacher. Well in the state we live in they are laying teachers off. Because of all of this I got very depressed. I wasn't really there as a H even tthough I went through the motions. There were times I was very mean and verbally abusive towards my W even though I didn't call her names I yelled at her in public and that embarrassed her and I don't blame her.
So on March 4th of this year my W dropped the bomb. I was still dealing with my depression and I didn' t see this coming. Believe it or not but this was a major wake up call for me. I decided it was time to find a job and be the H my W deserved.
With this wake up call my W decided to give me a two weeks chance to try and fix things. Well that came and went and that is when I got the ILYBINILWY. I was devastated of course.
As time went on she thought about moving out but couldn't afford and apartment alone. She wants me to keep the house and for our D to stay primarily with me so she can stay at her school. Since she couldn't afford an apartment her family was going to buy an investment house and let her rent from them for a while. Well that fell through.
With all of that at happening we had a talk abut our M and she thought we would date and see where that lead. Well at first things were great. We had fun and even started sleeping in the same bed again.
Fast forward to now and we are sleeping in different beds again and she has mentioned D once. She told me it was up to me when to file. Well, I don't want to.
I think I expected to much to soon and I scared her off and she says she doesn't feel romantic towards me. She says I am herher best friend and she is honored to be raising our D with me.
My W is only 34 but I think she is going through an MLC. She is going out a lot with younger people from her job. I know that she has been talking to an old friend from school and he is also going through a D. I don't know how far things have gone between them and I'm not going to pry and find out.
I myself have done some 180s myself. I am working a job I like. I have changed my diet and lost 35 pounds. I tried the going dark and that is when she came around the first time.
Like I said earlier she says I am her best friend and she is honored to raise our D with me. We get along well and do things with our D. She just wants her space and freedom to do what she wants.
What I'm planning on doing is to let her do her thing and figure out what she really wants. I know this could be very hard.
I am also going to see an IC. My W doesn't want to see one. She really needs to because she does have a few things to discuss about her childhood. Also, her parents live like we are and they have been that way since my wife was nine.
I am not going to push for a S or D. I am just going to sit back and patiently try and let her figure every thing out. I am going to work on me and give her the space she needs.
Any and all advice would be appreciated. I know I probably didn't hit everything in this post. I can fill in the blanks as needed.
Thank you so much for your help. I really need it. I truly love my W and want to save my family.
I finished my counseling session. It went well. He does think my W is sending mixed messages. I honestly think my W is confused and trying to find herself. Something I remembered my W told me. She said "I've spent so much time making everyone else happy and now I want to make me happy. " I don't blame her for feeling that way. She did spend a lot of time taking care of me in my depression and taking care of our D. I just wished she wouldn't want to throw away our marriage thinking it will make her happy. I have taken action to care for my depression and am taking care of me and my D. I am going to try and let her take her journey and hopefully clears up her fog and confusion.
I would appreciate any input. My W really has me confused. Please help.
I am willing to wait. I feel my W is my soul mate.
Some of the 180s I have done was to start taking care of myself. I have lost 35 pounds and watch what I eat. I found a job and became a provider for my family. I have also started following the rules by limiting when and where I am available. I also have started seeing a IC. I am also working on my art. I like to create things on paper with different media. I am sharing that love with my very artistic D. Between that and my D I should stay pretty busy.
I am going to bed and go into the bedroom I am going to sleep in and my W and D are in there hanging out and talking about getting a new kitten and what to name it. My W still wants us to act like a family when it works for her. That is why I think she is having a MLC or is at the very least jumping the gun on wanting to end our marriage. I didn't say anything other than help with the picking out of the name. Yes, my W did ask if it was okay to get a new kitten and I said yes.
I am trying to show I care about her and of course my D. I am just waiting this all out. I feel in my heart that she will come out of all of this.
I think she is following her parents example and she is going to find out it will not work for her. Mainly because I am not her father and she is not her mother. Also, I play a much more active role in my D's life than my W 's father did with her. I feel I am more committed to my marriage than my FIL.
I'm just rambling. I have to get it off my chest somewhere and no place better than here.
If you read my posts you'll see that your situation is very similar to mine. I also went through a period of depression when I became sad, angry and controlling. That made my wife lose her love for me.
We're separated for a month now and I'm just working on myself and waiting for her. Giving her space and time. I don't recall she mentioning the word "divorce", but in the last month we only exchanged emails 3 times about practical things.
It's hard. I was in a positive slope, going up, getting happier. The last few days were bad, I gave a few steps back. I feel like crying right now, something that didn't happen for almost a week. And Wednesday is the anniversary of the day I've met my wife, 4 years ago.
We're here to support you. Talk, open yourself and we'll open our thoughts, fears and hopes with you. And keep strong.
Me: 36 Wife: 33 Together: 09/2007 Married: 03/2010 I love you but...: 06/2011 Separated: 06/2011 Rebuilding: 11/2011
Today is an okay day. It is hard when the person you love just gives you a short little bye when you leave for work. This is the same person that used to give me kisses and hugs and say I love you. I stay strong but it is so very difficult. I can see she is not acting like the same person I know and love. It reminds me of when I have seen friends going through crisis of their own. I really think she feels like she needs to be 20 again and play. I am going to take care of myself and our D.
The reason I am so confused is that my W treats me like we are a happy family just minus the love for me. She says she loves and I am here best friend and that she is honored to be raising our D with me. She just says she doesn't feel romantic towards me. I think she has lost sight of what marriage is about. She may never have truly known what it is about because of her parents being how they are. I plan on sticking with her through this and show her what commitment is really about. I refuse to give up.
