Rebuilding a friendship...Thread #4

[25yearsmlc]

Hey everyone...sorry I haven't posted my draft script yet. I've been really busy the last couple days. Things have been pretty good with W too.

25...exactly how I feel about the GAL...I love my kids more than anything, but for GAL to serve it's intended purposes, it can't always be me taking the kids out for an activity.

right Navy. You have to be on your own with some of your peeps or meeting new ones...

and the mystery stuff, "gamish" as that sounds, and is, you have to play it.

Good luck, hang in there and remember there's stuff on the base that will give you activities on and off base...

and if you are stationed where I think you are, there's tons of stuff to do there too.

Hire a sitter or better yet, ask your w if she's going to be out
"that night" b/c you will be and therefore you'll call a sitter...

does SHE have any names of sitters or the phone numbers b/c YOU have plans for that night...

and then do it again, every other weekend at first.

And during the week, disappear "on errands" for 3 hours for an errand that takes 30 minutes...got it? Not in a crappy way that dumps on her, in fact preferably when the kids are out or asleep,

but now and then do the disappearing act...as if you

are MAYBE meeting someone

OR maybe you were doing an errand BUT THEN

you met an interesting person who chatted with you,

and you hit it off and blah blah blah....

make sense?

[Navyguy]

Thanks 25. I still haven't really thought about my script yet, because I haven't had a need to.

I'm not totally sure why, but for the last week and a half, things have been better. W has been initiating conversations with me, and even asked about my day a few times. She has been very engaged with the kids and even proposed that we take a trip to Hershey Park sometime in the near future. Part of me thinks that she's begun to realize that maybe her life isn't as miserable as she thought. I'm not going to get my hopes up or screw this up with expectations, but could she be coming out of the fog?

Friday night I built a fire in our fire pit, and she came out to join me. We sat around talking, laughing, and drinking for about 3 hours.

W started school Monday. She is very engaged with her classes and happy to be progressing toward her degree again. I'm trying to make sure that she has the time she needs to study.

I had IC on Monday as well. IC asked me if she thinks counseling is helping me. I told her I don't really think it is now other than giving me a place to vent. I really feel like I'm in a good place where I am at peace with whatever the outcome of this is going to be. I told IC if we don't reconcile, I think that someday I'll reach a breaking point where I decide I don't want to do this anymore...and while it will suck, it will be ok.

[punchy]

Glad to hear that things appear to be improving. I am currently in the same situation as you. My wife is still in the marriage, does not want a divorce for the sake of the kids but at the same time does not want to work on the marriage.

I can totally relate to your comments about how they try and maintain an emotional distance with us. My wife never asks me how my day went, how I am feeling or what I may have on the go. No goodnights, no have a good time etc, just a simple ok or alright.

Not sure what advice I can give you other than hang in there and try and work through it. I think it is all part of them not wanting to give us any false hope that we maybe able to reconcile our relationships. Unfortunately it leaves us emotionally with nothing and how long we can go without that interaction is difficult to determine. In my case it is complicated further by an OM who is still lurking in the background. The EA is over, but they still connect at work and interact which is not good. As long as she is getting some emotional support from him, she will not reach out to me.

Anyway, no advice other than what others have posted here and that there are others out there like you that are trying to work through the same situation. I will continue to follow your thread to see how you make out and hopefully I can learn from your progress.

[Navyguy]

Still chugging along. After the week and a half of improvement, things have gone back downhill a bit. Seems like I'm at a ratio of about 5 steps forward, 4 steps back right now.

W's back has been bothering her a lot lately and it seems to greatly affect her mood. I did give her a back rub for about 30 minutes the other day. I saw her laying in an awkward position on the couch and asked if she was ok. She told me her back hurt and I offered to massage it. She accepted. This has actually happened twice now. Seems like a good thing...she's ok with me touching her now. She certainly wasn't a couple months ago.

I've been doing ok. It's still very difficult, and I still haven't been doing great with GAL'ing, other than playing a lot of soccer and getting out with the kids.

[Navyguy]

Well, things have been pretty quiet on my front for awhile. Had something interesting happen this weekend though.

Friday night I put the kids in bed and D5 kept telling me that she wanted mommy to cuddle with her. I told her that I would lay with her for awhile, but she started getting worked up and kept saying she wanted mommy. W was outside talking to a friend on the phone, so I told D5 that she can have me cuddle or nobody. She kept saying she wanted mommy, so I told her good night and left the room. I was pretty upset from this…usually she is happy to have either me or W in there, but she wasn’t that night. I’ve also been having trouble getting D5 to listen to me lately.

I don’t think any of D5’s actions are abnormal for a 5 y/o, but when you tack this onto W and I’s current sitch, I was pretty frustrated at this point. W was still outside talking on the phone, so I got in my car and went for a drive around DC to relax a bit. (No, DC traffic is not relaxing, but it was after 10 pm)

When I got home, W was sitting on the couch. I walked in and said hello, and she asked me if I was ok. I said I was ok, I just needed to go for a drive, and I’m better now. She left it at that. Then I went to bed. I was still pretty upset, so I just laid in bed for awhile. About a half hour later, W saw I was still awake and came in the room. She asked me again if something was bothering me. I told her about what happened with D5 and that I’ve been pretty frustrated with getting her to listen to me lately. W sat down on the bed right next to me (even touching me a bit) and was really nice and understanding.

When we were done talking, W got up and walked around the bed. She changed into her pajamas (1st time she has changed in front of me since December) and climbed into our bed. She said to me: “this really is a nice bed”, and I replied “yes, it definitely is”. Then she said “you know, you can talk to me about things when something’s bothering you”. I told her “thanks and thanks for talking to me tonight”.

That was Friday night. W slept in OUR bed Saturday and last night as well. 3 nights in a row. It was so great to wake up and have her laying there next to me. I woke up early on Saturday and just laid there watching her sleep for awhile...she is so beautiful.

A few months ago she told me that she doesn’t think we should be sharing the bed unless she wants to work on our M. Could that be the case??

Things were really good all weekend. We went to a BBQ at a friend’s house on Saturday and I spent a lot of time playing with the kids all weekend.

I think the ball might be rolling...I just need to stay the hell out of its way.

[Denver_2010]

I'm happy to hear that Navy. It sounds like things are moving forward for you... Hopefully. I would kill for that kind of sensitivity from my W. There is a huge wall between us that I don't know will ever go away.

Keep truckin along man.

BITS
Denver

[Timetotry]

Navy,

Keep doing what your doing. She is giving signs of wanting a R back....

[JustStunned]

Navy, I know you are open to letting it happen. Have the patience to let it happen. In an earlier post you mentioned 5 steps forward 4 steps back. Recognize that ratio may still be in play, but that progress is still progress.

No expectations, so no disappointments. I know how hard that is.

[Navyguy]

Denver: It is weird, because I see things in your sitch that you are getting from your W which I would love to get from mine. Maybe it relates back into the whole 5LL thing? I'm certainly no expert.

JS: The 5 forward, 4 back is definitely still in play.

[Denver_2010]

Denver: It is weird, because I see things in your sitch that you are getting from your W which I would love to get from mine. Maybe it relates back into the whole 5LL thing? I'm certainly no expert.

JS: The 5 forward, 4 back is definitely still in play.

Hey Navy. I'm curious what you see in my sitch that I am getting that you would love to get from your W. I don't see it.