Letting go is hard to do!

[Seminolewind]

9,

I didn’t do any pursuing, I kind of just let it happen and really don’t know why. I didn’t flirt, I was nice to her but nothing out of my normal character for anyone male or female. I have been very honest with her, she knows I was not even remotely interested in doing anything. I feel like an idiot! I knew better than even putting myself in this situation. I had goals and this was not on my list. I like to have fun and make people laugh and was having a great time. I should have walked in with my friend and this would have never happened. Yes, I am beating myself up, but to be honest this is something that I didn’t want happening. I know I am human but I have been strict with myself to not put myself in this type of situation. I haven’t told anyone, except this anonymous board. I just had to get it off my chest, not that it changes anything but I had to let it out.

Today is a new day and I am just going to go back to making the proper choices in my life. The choices that will make my girls and me happy. I guess what I am getting at is I know two wrongs don’t make a right. I need time and I need to look at why I let this happen. I like being in control of myself and this is not the 180 I was looking at trying. This is just like the time I drove and sat outside the OM’s house because I wanted to knock a little sense into his head. At least then I was smart enough to walk away.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Perhaps you'll gain a bit of empathy and understanding at how easy it is to fall into this mistake.

Some people fail and embrace their failure, unable to think they could ever recover from it.

And some people fail and strive to do better.

I'm not going to suggest you don't beat yourself up over this. Just that you don't beat yourself up over this more than is good for yourself. In time, forgive yourself.

[FaithnAK]

Some people fail and embrace their failure, unable to think they could ever recover from it.

And some people fail and strive to do better.

I LOVE this post. Live it!

[Seminolewind]

I had thought for quite a while that my wife was just a flat out horrible person for what she is doing to our family. I have stewed about what she has done I have had my share of pity parties for myself and what have I learned? I can actually say that I probably didn’t learn anything through all that. I finally figured something out that may help several of us in similar situations as mine. When you feel hurt, lonely, kind of just a little lost in life. You can let things happen that you normally wouldn’t. My wife did and now I will say that I have. I am not proud of what I have done but now I do see exactly how easy it is to go down this path. My wife is a very beautiful woman, I know guys were always hitting on her even in front of me. I wasn’t giving her the attention that she needed and she finally said enough the marriage is done. She done something that might just bring happiness into her life. That’s what we all want is happiness! Well I can say that when someone is aggressive towards you when you are feeling this way you can fall into the trap. That trap for me has not made me find happiness, actually I think I found the exact opposite.

I have been asking myself what have I learned in the last 8 months? I would like to someday start a new relationship with my wife. I need my kids to see me as the best dang dad on this planet. I would like to become the man my wife would find attractive. Everyone is capable of making bad choices in life. Forgive yourself for your mistakes and forgive others for their mistakes. Be patient and life will give you what you need. Let the anger out it just clouds the brain.

Now I need to make peace with myself so I can move forward from here. I am not sure what I should do at this point but I need to continue down the road to happiness. Thanks Jack, I will strive to do better and I will forgive myself in time.

[Seminolewind]

I guess my karma has struck. I just got a proposal from my wife’s lawyer and he is wanting to throw me under the bus. Somehow I got a $30,000.00 raise that I have never seen. I don’t want to divorce my wife but I also don’t want to get taken advantage of through this process. How should I handle this?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Ehhh karma...

A tidy way of saying life has checks and balances.

Do you have a lawyer? cause...I'd be forwarding the proposal to her/him.

Your asking how we'd handle it...so I'd lawyer up, but remind the lawyer to follow your lead.

While it sounds opposite, I'd protect myself first, and then worry about not being divorced...sometimes this is incompatabile, and sometimes it is just hard to do, but not impossible.

[Seminolewind]

I do have a lawyer. We were supposed to work everything out between the two of us to keep the costs of the divorce down. Well she has decided that I am trying to do her wrong. She told my D17 if I was a good dad I would have given her more in child support. I have been paying what was determined based on each of our incomes. Her Lawyer put in the proposal that I make about $30K more than I actually do based on what I had made in Feb of this year. The statement even had my annual income at the top but he just threw something together. Well I am a Federal employee on a set salary so this is just some kind of scare tactic to get more money. It really isn't my fault that she wanted out of the marriage and is having a hard time financially. I am living paycheck to paycheck and it's tough.

I told my lawyer that I needed some time to think before we send a reply back. I have a few thoughts that I just don't know if it would hurt my chances at her ever seeing me as the better man.
I could go for custody of my kids and I think I have a great chance in getting custody because of her drinking. I think if I did win custody she would have even more anger towards me but she does need help with her drinking problem.

I could be perfectly honest and tell my lawyer to withdraw all the paper work that has been filed through the court and tell her I want to work on the marriage. That would probably go over like a lead balloon.

In reality both my girls know I have become the dad that I should have always been and my W has put the OM as her priority. If the OM is truly who she thinks will complete her life who am I to stand in her way?

Maybe I am scared to rock the boat with the girls because I have never been that type of guy towards my wife. Maybe this is a 180 I should do to show her I am a strong man? I also worry if I go for the girls she will see it as me forcing her back in my life. That is kind of why I haven't sought custody.

I think I need some advice!

[Queen_of_Swords]

Hi Seminole,
In reading your situation it sounds like your W has got a lot of anger/resentment towards you. It's unfortunate she or her lawyer want to go for the jugular.

I have to say if your wife has a problem with alcohol, you MUST put the welfare of your kids first.
Living with an alcoholic does things to kids that will effect them negatively over the long term and even into their future love relationships.

You have no control over how your wife perceives things, or works herself into a lather over imagined slights. She's an adult and well able to look after herself if she chooses to. Your kids can't.

[Seminolewind]

As most of you know I am not big on updating when nothing has changed in my crappy stitch. My W and I went to mediation on Friday and we did settle the property issues. What we couldn't agree on was the custody of our girls. Currently my D17 is living with me and D12 is living with my W. We are both unwilling to budge on the girls but for two very different reasons. Mine is what I see as the best interest for the girls. They need some stability in their life right now. The W is only concerned with money and showing everyone how her and the OM are so perfect together. I told my lawyer that I was unwilling to make the girls choose between their mother or myself and I really don't want to make their mom look bad in court. My lawyer suggested that we do a custody evaluation and have the court decide. So at this point I will continue as I have been unless we agree or the court decides. My lawyer made me laugh at one point when the mediation lawyer was out of the room. She said "you are way too nice and I see you and your W reconciling down the road". I asked her why she thought that and she said "you just don't find that many good guys like you anymore and I have seen this many times in my practice". I thought about that and I thought of this place. This place is full of good guys and gals. Most of us at one point wanted to save our marriage and we learn the things we need to make that happen. Just be happy and don’t let the little things bring you down. I know easier said than done.

One of the things in the property settlement is that we are going to sell the home. Before I was asked to move out I had been remodeling the basement. It is about 60% complete so I asked my FIL if he would come up for a week and him and I finish the work to help the house sell faster. He thought that was a great idea, then I asked him to call the W with that suggestion. She doesn’t like talking to me because I am still the bad person. He called the W and she said she didn't want that SOB in her house (me), he is just trying to get out of paying his child support and what I deserve in maintenance. I guess she still has a little anger towards me, I can't make her like anything about me anyway and I find it funny how she is the only one that see’s me as the bad guy. Well he told me she wanted him to come up and they could hire the work done. I said whatever she wants. He told me he isn't coming up because he can't reason with her and it's pointless. My FIL and MIL don’t want us to divorce and they have both let her know she is making a mistake. I find it odd that she can still turn everything around on everyone else and nothing is ever her fault.

I guess everything I see on these boards all of our situations are very similar with just small variations. I don’t know how long I will be the SOB and really I can’t worry about how she feels about me anymore. I know I am better than what she thinks of me right now. If it helps her justify everything and lets her rewrite everything about me she can have fun with that. She might wake up someday and realize I am a good man. Then again she might hold that anger forever. I guess I had hoped some of the fog might have disappeared by now but I must remain patient. I will be divorced on the 19th which is going to be a week from tomorrow and that has never been my goal. I know everyone says it’s just a piece of paper but it still puts a little lump in my throat. I guess looking on the bright side I will try and step off the rollercoaster for a while. In 9 months most all of my fears have come true, the biggest one is going down next week and you know it’s not that bad facing the things that scare you the most. I am going to try and be the happiest man on this planet.

I hope everyone has a great day and I haven’t left these boards, I just read and post when I feel it might be beneficial.

[Redo]

My FIL and MIL don’t want us to divorce and they have both let her know she is making a mistake. I find it odd that she can still turn everything around on everyone else and nothing is ever her fault.

same here with my sitch too. I guess the waw need to make their own journey to figure out what they are destroying and losing.