I can assure you my stand is not for a badge of honor. In fact, in RL, people feel that I'm the one that is nuts. What they think of me is none of my business. Quite frankly, I don't give a darn.
I do give people credit for knowing that a M takes two to make it, and two to break it. I own my part.
At this point, being married to H does nothing for me, and more importantly, nothing against me. I'm in a good place. I'm captain of my own ship, and realized long ago that I'm in charge of my happiness.
I was married to this man for 27 years before the bomb and by all accounts, including his, it was a good M.
Life threw us a curve ball, wasn't expecting it and admittedly it threw me for a loop, for a while.
It is not my indecision about my M that is holding this up, it is H's. It was his choice to walk out the door, I wasn't consulted. I never believed that what was wrong in the M should have led to this, still don't. I don't control what H does, didn't try during the M and have no wish to start now. I made my decision a while ago to stand, and at this point, that is what I'll continue to do.
It costs me nothing to remain detached to see how this plays out, but a little money. If/when H forges forward with the D, I'm legally protected and will recoup.
I'm not actively looking to date or start a R with someone else at this point, so that is not a concern. My H was a very good man in many ways. If given a chance to start a new R with him, I believe I would consider it. If that chance does not come along, I'm OK with that too.
When this first happened, (MLC, Bomb) is why I started looking around for an explanation. H's behavior was so out of character from the man I married that I knew something had to have happened to him. MLC explained those things. I've accepted that I can do nothing for him, but the man that he was is worth it to ME to see if he eventually emerges.
Waiting for that possible time does not keep me from moving forward. My life is open to all possibilities. I have achieved loving him from afar, and it is very freeing.
If my circumstances change, I'll deal with that when the time comes.
