Don't know where I am

[Harrier]

Wow..I got more out of JTB than rhetorical questions and pithy comments. ;-) as for the movie...you bastasd. JTB I love that movie, I'm glad you got it. I'd still think you are pretty cool even if you didn't, but you moved up about 7 notches in my book.

See I don't think mine as a true LBS, WAW. I mean all of MWD's criteria doesn't fit at all. My w wants to stay married, but doesn't know if she can get of things. Mainly, 2010 when I went nutty. I wouldn't even say it's an MLC.

There is other stuff throughout the marriage too.

No question I am afraid of the negatives of the move.

At this point I don't think anything I say or do will stop it. Finances have really been the only thing that's slowed it down.

I think she wasn't sure...up until the MC said it was the right move. The only thing I can do make her see what will be gone.


She doesn't see this as a first step to divorce...in fact she is in no hurry to end the marriage. I have to trust her on that. In my mind it's the first step and I'm having trouble with that.

I can help with the trademark.

Are there things my W still keeps from me. You bet. She has said enough stuff about the EA to the point where it is no longer my primary concern. A while ago, I said that I had begun to forgive her for that...and I have. I still have nothing but disgust for her mentor though.

[Harrier]

I dunno.

A great fun weekend at the beach on Sat. Then just hanging around on Sunday.

It may sound odd but these weekends are killing me. I know it's better than the alternative, but they are such painful reminders of how things were and how things could be. I mean if W and I we in full recon. This weekend would have been FANTASTIC. This summer would be fantastic. I mean we are finally in a better position financially, both kids are healthy and very enjoyable, both of us are healthy.

But in the back of everything is this pain and hurt. I mean I don't let it color my actions. W knows it's there, she has here own (we talked about it)

My W made a misstatement this weekend that I picked up on (I mean with where I am how could I not.) I said I saw a house for sale in an area where we've wanted to move. She said if "we had enough money, that'd be the perfect solution. You could move out and live there for a while then when we were ready to live together we could just move into the new house."

I decided to stop inviting my W to one-on-one things. We were talking about movies. I said, "I still need to watch Sherlock Holmes. I'll probably watch it tonight (Sat.) after the kids are in bed." She says, "I'll watch it with you, but I'll probably do some work while the movie's one if that's okay." (She had already seen it)

So she's putting our oldest to bed and txts me. "Down in 5, u want to start the movie?"

Then she comes down watches the whole movie. Doesn't do any work.
It stuff like this that boggles my mind.

But with all that, I'm nearly done on the inside. I realized today that my life will be okay with out her and if I came home and she said "I decided I want the D." I'd probably say, "Okay, what do we need to do?" I'd be sad...and am a little sad.

But I look at the woman who I've known for nearly 20 years and she looks different to me now. I don't' know if I want someone who has to "decide" if they can be married to me. Who has to see if they can get over things. Who is not physically attracted to me now.

I had a dream I was going on a date last night. I was nervous, excited and happy.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

See I don't think mine as a true LBS, WAW. I mean all of MWD's criteria doesn't fit at all. My w wants to stay married, but doesn't know if she can get of things. Mainly, 2010 when I went nutty. I wouldn't even say it's an MLC.

I get that. Part of the problem (?) (My POV) is that you aren't taking DB to heart: Your wife is too smart for that. She knows what you are doing. She isn't a WAW or an MLC WAW. (To which I agree about not believing she is close to MLC).

Currently my wife isn't a WAW or an MLC WAW, she knows I not only have the books, try to live by them and spend time here trying to help others. She even knows a few posters by name...

Does that mean that my DBing is going to fail because she doesn't fall into these categories and knows about DB techniques?

DB isn't for her. I disovered that it never was.

It is for me.

It is at its most simplistic a self help book. Take a step up, a self help book with good/great ideas about relationships.

We all want to be the different here; But deep down across many levels we are the same.

DB won't work for me beacuse X,Y, and Z (pardons XYZ) don't fit.

Ultimately? You can be a better man/person and your marriage needs help. DB fits.

The only thing I can do make her see what will be gone.

That is one plan. Or rather than point out what will be gone when it happens, getting her used to the idea and building up a thick skin to it.

What happens if the day you move out, she feels the emptiness of everything good you brought to the table?

It may sound odd but these weekends are killing me.

It is not odd. Not at all.

You are enjoying the momentary good things. But looking down the road at a looming fear, they hurt, planned hurt.

This rose is pretty and smells nice, but whats the point? In the end it will wilt and decay.

This puppy is cute and awesome, but in the end I'll just have to put him down, and that will rip my heart out.

But with all that, I'm nearly done on the inside. I realized today that my life will be okay with out her and if I came home and she said "I decided I want the D." I'd probably say, "Okay, what do we need to do?" I'd be sad...and am a little sad.

That's funny, so would I. I wouldn't have any regrets...and not to be mean here, I'm not sure you could say the same thing.

I don't' know if I want someone who has to "decide" if they can be married to me. Who has to see if they can get over things. Who is not physically attracted to me now.

In this it seems like you are marginalizing some of your failings, and when another person is affected by your failings it is not up to you to determine when/if/how or why they should get past them.

A spouse who suffered physical abuse for a year (not your case I know, its an extereme) should she be able to decide if she wants to be married or does blind loyalty come into play in that situation as well?

For me? In my case? My wife's MLC is something I am always going to be worried about, too many stories where they come back, I am wary about it. The apologies and time and consistent work on her part is great...but I am mindful.

Trust is earned, but once broken, your eye will always see the crack no matter how amazing the fix job was.

I think your wife is just cautious.

My W made a misstatement this weekend that I picked up on (I mean with where I am how could I not.) I said I saw a house for sale in an area where we've wanted to move. She said if "we had enough money, that'd be the perfect solution. You could move out and live there for a while then when we were ready to live together we could just move into the new house."

I decided to stop inviting my W to one-on-one things. We were talking about movies. I said, "I still need to watch Sherlock Holmes. I'll probably watch it tonight (Sat.) after the kids are in bed." She says, "I'll watch it with you, but I'll probably do some work while the movie's one if that's okay." (She had already seen it)

So she's putting our oldest to bed and txts me. "Down in 5, u want to start the movie?"

Then she comes down watches the whole movie. Doesn't do any work.
It stuff like this that boggles my mind.

It's stuff like that, that I'd take as a cool sign. These are good things. Unless she is that crafty and evil...and not too many people are that evil. She seems sincere. If you know her to be that crafty, cunning and evil, why are you with her? Run.

I had a dream I was going on a date last night. I was nervous, excited and happy.

That's good, was he cute?

[Harrier]

(My POV) is that you aren't taking DB to heart: Your wife is too smart for that.

.....

DB isn't for her. I discovered that it never was.

It is for me.
.....

DB fits.

I agree with that and I do acknowledge that my history with DB isn't that great. BUT in the last 2 weeks or so I think I did finally get it.

But my problem is the "37 rules." I don't like them. I don't think they apply in all situations. I think people like to trot them out like they are the bible.

When a newcomer arrives, they start throwing around acronyms, lists, etc. The tell people to "detach" without having the foggiest idea of what that is really about. What are the consequences. What area all the facts. Then someone who doesn't follow the "rules" get blasted.

DB is actually quite simple in idea. ( think it really fits my W's approach to a T, she dislikes all that psychoanalysis) I think after 7 months I do get it. I don't think they are tricks or part of a game. I see that they aren't just to help me cope.

they help me become better. I am a much better husband today that I was before. By a lot. Not perfect, a work in progress but better. Our communication is probably better too. Especially from my end. My W commented on it the other day.

Early on in my situation, my wife called on my DB attempts. Seh said "It seems like you are pretending to be happy to make things improve."
Now, I'm pretty certain she'd say I have made a lot of changes for the better. Changes, not tricks.

That is one plan. Or rather than point out what will be gone when it happens, getting her used to the idea and building up a thick skin to it.

i don't know if I gave you the wrong idea. I don't say anything about what it will be like when I'm gone.

You are enjoying the momentary good things. But looking down the road at a looming fear, they hurt, planned hurt.

This rose is pretty and smells nice, but whats the point? In the end it will wilt and decay.

This puppy is cute and awesome, but in the end I'll just have to put him down, and that will rip my heart out.

Funny, I didn't want to get a dog for this very reason. We still have the dam dog.

I wouldn't have any regrets...and not to be mean here, I'm not sure you could say the same thing.

In this it seems like you are marginalizing some of your failings, and when another person is affected by your failings it is not up to you to determine when/if/how or why they should get past them.

...

I think your wife is just cautious.

I imagined my W would say the exact same thing if I said that to her. She'd say "you don't get to decide when I am done."
Not be be glib, but I was able to turn this around on her. Once she talked about her EA and said that she didn't know how I could get past it.
I basically said, "I've been working on this for months. As you would say, I get to decide this."

Of course, she's really worried that I just want to be married at all costs.

These are good things. Unless she is that crafty and evil...and not too many people are that evil. She seems sincere. If you know her to be that crafty, cunning and evil, why are you with her? Run.

Well she is crafty, I'll tell you. She was really crafty when pursuing me in the beginning.

That's good, was he cute?

Well he was no JTB

I watched an interesting show on dreams. I'm not into dream interpretation, but I am a very vivid dreamer.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

But my problem is the "37 rules." I don't like them.

That's alot of rules to follow, and not sure they pop up in the book.

I also agree that its easy to blast people, or 2x4 them. A little too easy.

I'd rather get people to think and I really try to only use a 2x4 on people I am invested in and know their situation.

Take...dating.

That's always a great way for people to feel better about themselves. I am actually all for it. As long as it is done for the right reasons and no one is going to get hurt. Vulnerable people I think causes grief.

Of course, she's really worried that I just want to be married at all costs.

But you don't. Is she aware of this as well?
Similar, sort of to a deciscion on your part.

i don't know if I gave you the wrong idea. I don't say anything about what it will be like when I'm gone.

Corrected impression then.

[angel61]

For me, every sitch comes in stages. Newcomers, people who have been bombed and don't know what hit them, don't know what to do -the DR/DB strategy, the 37 rules, are lifesavers. They give you direction when you are too numb to think, and make you realize that YOU are not alone in the world, and that in many cases, M's have been saved, and why not follow where others have trodden? It is like shotgun therapy in a sense, give it the broadest spectrum antibiotic, plus isolate the patient from others, and something is bound to work.

But then comes the stage after the crisis. Thats when you have time to think, as questions, really want to dig in deeper. And thats when you have to start applying the rules when you want to, understanding what the rules mean, how it applies, etc. You've got a brain, put it to use. For example, as a doctor, even if there is a protocol to follow in the management of diseases, it doesn't always work the same way in every case with the same disease. Again, going back to medicine, time now to titrate the dosage, adjust to the factors influencing the condition of the patient.

Now is the time to really look into yourself, your W, think of all the litte things, stretch your mind! Go above and beyond what the book says, read other books, delve into the nooks and crannies of your M. Be thankful for the gift of time, do not rush!!!

WE are in the same boat, with different personalities within the sitch. Many people in this boards call it a journey, and more and more, I am seeing why, and really thinking that there was a reason all of this happened, and we have the power to turn this into a positive experience, if we try hard enough. Conversely, if we think about turning it into a negative one, it will go that way too. Thinking that you are done, looking at how your W is not physically attracted to you - that is all so negative for me. Especially since your W is showing a lot of positives.

I think though that you are just trying to protect yourself from further hurt for the time when your coaster is on the downswing again, and that is understandable. But instead of binging it down when its up, do it the opposite way: bring it up when your down. Think you can do that?

Your sitch is waaay better than a lot, and I honestly and truly believe your M has a good chance.

[Harrier]

Angel.

Thanks. I guess my point about the 37 rules are that they aren't in the books. I don't know how they came into being. Sometimes some of the rules are counter to DB for a particular circumstance.

I told JTB this...it's hard to see the positives. And I have moments of negativity (don't we all) I'm very good about not letting my W see them.

I'm also working on losing about 15-20-lbs. I'm 5-8 about 160lb, so not huge, but I don't like what I see in the mirror...which is a part of the problem for me. I mean I run 30 miles a week, but still jiggle.

My W seem very positive last night.

[Harrier]

I'm ansty today...or anxious.

I don't know why. Maybe my spidey sense is tingling.

Anywho...nothing new to report. Almost all interactions with W are positive. She notes it...doesn't outwardly changes things.

Last night my W had to go into finish a report on a patient that was needed today. That mean I had 100% kid duty. I don't mind, I do this at least once a week.

My W must have thanked me about 10 times for it. I basically said you are welcome, but you had the tougher go.

She sends me a text this morning..."Thx again for yesterday- I know solo parenting gets old fast."

I didn't comment on that. I mean a separation and/or divorce means a lot of solo parenting.

My gut tells me she is really, really conflicted. She likes me as a friend, partner, etc. But there are some things she needs to get past.

Before anyone says anything about mind reading...I'm pretty darn good at it with W. I was looking at some of my old posts where I said I think W is feeling this or that. And I was 100% dead on.

My other question is with regard to the move out. My W has wanted to be involved in the apt search. I've done a couple things on my own, but W knew about them.

I'm wondering if I should keep her abreast of every viewing or info. On one hand, I don't want to bring it up (and not because I think her mind will change, I know it's a tough topic for her) But I do want to show her that I'm taking her request seriously and respecting her wishes on this.

[XYZ]

Before anyone says anything about mind reading...I'm pretty darn good at it with W.

Be careful with this. Not to sound snide, but I used to think that too. If we were really right about that then we wouldn't be in the situations we're in now, would we?

[Harrier]

Before anyone says anything about mind reading...I'm pretty darn good at it with W.

Be careful with this. Not to sound snide, but I used to think that too. If we were really right about that then we wouldn't be in the situations we're in now, would we?

Actually, I do think all situations are not the same. I don't know 100% of what is in her heart or mind , but about some stuff I've been spot on.

I know some of why I'm hear and it didn't have much to do with me thinking I knew what she was thinking.

I appreciate the support though.