Went to see Transformers 3D last night with kids and brothers family, then out for a drink and taco's, really good night. Not a bad film, not great but OK. D14 cried again (as per the other 2 films ahhhh)
After feeling quite happy in the week I am a bit down today, I think this is as Kids and I are going to a family get together tonight and this will be the first major one without W. W will be out clubbing with her old friends, but not to bad on this area this time as detatching more and more as the weeks go by.
Had a fb message conversation with W's oldest friend yesterday afternoon (she contacted me), friend is not happy as she has only seen W once this year, and W no longer calls her. Friend said she sent her a text asking if her move to the flat went ok, but got nothing back which was 7 weeks ago and didnt get a response and hasnt heard from her since. She said W hasnt even posted on her fb threads or commented on her posts, and that she has had enough. I think IIRC her last statement to me was something like, "Well she seems to be on a journey she wants to be on, as you say only she can sort it out. But who is gonna be there at the end of it if she keeps alienating people"
Everytime W calls D14 she asks what I am up to and if I am OK, actually heard her on Wed as D14 was sat next to me in Starbucks when W called. Then on Thursday D14 said I was OK and W asked her if she was sure, which D14 replied with that I seemed really happy atm, which I was!
S12 has said to me again he doesnt want to go to his mums tomorrow just like last time as he feels left out. I have told him to speak to W and tell her. I do not want to speak to her or even see her. I want to drop the rope again, until Aug at least to see what happens, but mainly for me again to detatch further and further.
Physical symptoms have lessened now, and I am finding concentrating at work easier again now, plus no longer always talk about W, so getting there week by week.
Any comments welcome
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Greatly appreciate some thoughts, comments and assistance on a suitable reply to the email below which I received from W this morning. I will reply tomorrow.
I made sure I was out yesterday when she came to collect kids........
Hi
Hope your well? I have heard you all had a fun packed weekend and brothers party was really good - did you enjoy yourself? The pics look good!!
Just a couple of things I wanted to update you on as you were not around yesterday:
D14 had her dentist appt this morning and it was fine, her next appt is xxx but the kids are with me that week so will let you know. Both kids are due a routine dental appt in Aug but I will sort this out and let you know when it is.
S12 is still under the hospital but could you do me a favour and look for his letters as I need to chase his next appt.
Just a quick reminder we discussed changing some weekend's around, I will drop the kids off on Friday 29/07 in the morning as it's the hen weekend, however I know you wanted me to have the kids over weekend 05/08 so I will pick them up on the Friday if that's ok? Have you planned anything nice?
Also weekend of the 12/08 again this has been arranged however if you want me to have the kids over weekend 20/08 I can so its just a straight swap!
Are you going bowling next Tuesday? If so can I come along I have been doing a lot of thinking and maybe it would be nice to show the kids we can get on:)
And one last thing I am very concerned with Lewis and him refusing to come to mine - do you know a reason for this? I will be sorting out Sky this week to get internet but just feel there is more to it - has he said anything to you?
Well I think that's it!!!!!
Speak soon
Don't know what pics W is on about, must have been what D14 took!
The 12/08 was not a weekend, it was just a Friday night, so will think about that
Not sure now with the bowling, friends have said this is my time with the kids and an activity I do with them, where as this could be an opportunity to show the new me, what she is missing and what a new R could be like. But the other side of me says she has made her choice and has been quite clear!
Regarding S12 not going round, I have told her some of the reasons, but not all. S12 does not feel comfortable and feels left out (his words), plus the shouting and arguing and the way W treats both kids generally.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I'm going to see if I can channel my inner 25 for this
Originally Posted By: GAL Man
Not sure now with the bowling, friends have said this is my time with the kids and an activity I do with them, where as this could be an opportunity to show the new me, what she is missing and what a new R could be like.
Family time *is* important. W is also the mother to your kids, which counts as family. It has also been said to keep the road home smooth and paved. This sounds like a good start and she *is* reaching out to you.
Originally Posted By: GAL Man
But the other side of me says she has made her choice and has been quite clear!
Scorekeeping. Just saying...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Detatching is geting better and better, the last few nights I have got to sleep OK, first time in a while, and only 1 of these was alcohol assisted (It was brothers 40th LOL). This was my reason for saying should I let W come bowling with us.
I left 30 mins before W came round last night to pick kids up, but happened to pass her near home, W obviously saw me as she called my cell 15 min later, but I didnt answer. W looked hung over with her hair scrapped back and was on the way to her place, I think to "freshen up" before coming around.
After I passed her I was saying aloud, God why did you make me see W, now I am thinking, where has she been, why is she coming this way (not from town), but managed to stop those thoughts OK. But then thought, this could be the same the other way round, W may be thinking along the same lines about me.
The GAL stuff I have been doing with the kids has been off the chart, closely followed by my own stuff, major 180's here! The great thing these are for me and the kids and I feel great about it, the other bonus is W has noticed, but thats just a bye product. D14 said before leaving yesterday what great fun we have and really enjoyed the last few days, but does nothing with W.
Another major 180 is money, I was always very, how shall I say, organised when it came to money, and wouldn't just spend on a whim. But Sat night at 12.30am I booked me and the kids into the hotel the party was at, usually we would have got a taxi home. Kids loved it, and the breakfast. Plus the other stuff I have been doing and buying new clothes etc. W has really noticed this, and D14 would have told her about staying in the hotel.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
It seems to me that you are in a good place for YOU right now.
The more confident you can stay with your feelings about being happy in the current circumstances, the less likely I think you are to be "sucked back in," as you put it.
I thought your conversations were quite good. You perhaps lingered a bit longer than necessary in the R talk, but you kept your wits about you, and certainly didn't lose any ground.
Your wife sounds very MLC'ish to me, not that labels are all that important. In my opinion, the actual physical separation has been very positive for both you AND any potential future for a reborn marital relationship.
I would encourage you to continue things as you have established them now. Continue to minimize contact, without running and hiding from it. Continue to be the better person by showing that you can work with and care deeply about a person who has chosen to walk away from you.
Your wife is isolating herself from just about everyone it seems. She is trying, desperately it seems to me, to keep a good relationship with your children, but she is struggling to do so. It seems clear from what you have shared that she is quite aware that life on her own is no picnic.
Just one other thing. I'm not sure where you are in this process from a legal standpoint. The savings money does bother me a bit, particularly if your wife is unable to meet the physical needs of the children while they are with hre. Have the two of you established any final legal decisions regarding money?
I'm not sure that I would hold too tightly to that money. It seems to be the one thing that could be an obstacle in any future movements in a positive direction.
Don't allow her to say at some point that you left her destitute.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Many thanks for taking the time to reply to my posts and information, I do actually feel in a good place lately. I have responded to a couple of specific points of yours
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Just one other thing. I'm not sure where you are in this process from a legal standpoint. The savings money does bother me a bit, particularly if your wife is unable to meet the physical needs of the children while they are with hre.
With the kids benefit, which she still has all of it, she brings home a decent wage (just above national ave in the UK) so she "should" be OK (after her rental, rental bills, car ins + fuel and running costs, food etc she still "should" have a few hundred quid left!) W however historically has made some very bad choices regarding money, which I have had to sort out, but she is a very clever lady who should be able to organise her finance no problem. We had no debt or loans, we decided at the time of seperation she had "her" car and I had the equiv in cash, ie the savings.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
Have the two of you established any final legal decisions regarding money?
I consulted a lawyer/Sol who suggested I write a seperation agreement for us both to sign, which I did but W never signed it!
Originally Posted By: Bworl
I'm not sure that I would hold too tightly to that money. It seems to be the one thing that could be an obstacle in any future movements in a positive direction.
Don't allow her to say at some point that you left her destitute.
In the seperation agreement I wrote (and I have done) I would give her the money for the rental deposit (£1,300) plus waive the £1,000 she was due to pay me back for her car (I purchased the car, with half balance on my CC which I paid off), I told the solicitor/lawyer this and he said that this together with still paying W's (up till this month) and D14's cell phone and allowing W to have all the child benefit would reflect well on me if things went south so to speak. Just a shame W never signed the document I produced.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
My draft reply. W’s email in red, my response underneath, plus additional option (not favoured in blue) plus additional notes, thought I would keep it short (my reply that is)
Hope your well? I have heard you all had a fun packed weekend and brothers party was really good – did you enjoy yourself? The pics look good!! I’m very well thank you. Not sure what pics, must be what D14 took, will have to have a look, but yeah, really good night, ended up staying in the hotel, spur of the moment thing LOL. Tired now though after a busy week with the kids, and then Transformers and Chititos on Friday, couple of late ones!!!!
D14 had her dentist appt this morning and it was fine, her next appt is xxx but the kids are with me that week so will let you know. Both kids are due a routine dental appt in Aug but I will sort this out and let you know when it is. Thanks
S12 is still under the hospital but could you do me a favour and look for his letters as I need to chase his next appt. Will have a look, but not sure where the information is, will let you know next time I see you.
Just a quick reminder we discussed changing some weekend’s around, I will drop the kids off on Friday 29/07 in the morning as it’s the hen weekend, however I know you wanted me to have the kids over weekend 05/08 so I will pick them up on the Friday if that’s ok? Have you planned anything nice? Fri 29, I thought you meant the afternoon, as I am at work, but not a problem, I will sort something out. RE 05/08 Friday after work will be fine to pick kids up.
Also weekend of the 12/08 again this has been arranged however if you want me to have the kids over weekend 20/08 I can so its just a straight swap! I just checked your previous email and this was just for Friday night (12/08), is this a weekend now?, if so let me know as I will have to change some things, plus if it is the whole weekend we could swap for 10/09 as I will be out of town.
Are you going bowling next Tuesday? If so can I come along I have been doing a lot of thinking and maybe it would be nice to show the kids we can get on (W put smiley face) I have said you are always welcome to join us in any of the activities we do. We will be there at the usual time I have said you are always welcome to join us in any of the activities we do. We will be there at the usual time if you want to join us. Obviously the boundaries which I mentioned last week still apply. (I said last week that I didn’t want any arguing, shouting or swearing when we were out otherwise I would call it a day, plus I said I would like all cells turned off, additionally a boundary which I said about a month ago was about if either of us saw OP then that would be the final nail, this may also remind her of this), second thoughts, nahh, If W wants to come she knows what I said previously so no need to repeat it.
Other thoughts, W’s last email was about not coming bowling last week as she didn’t want to give any hope that we were back as a family, W knows where I am (from a post of mine on page 4) I also sent an email following this up to be absolutely clear. The main part was that I felt our problems were not insurmountable still (if still the same) and that we could have a better future together and as a family, but I accept her choice that W didn't want this, and I no longer wanted to discuss it. IDK, maybe she’s seeing me GAL like no tomorrow and has seen I have changed (loads of 180’s) and W has commented on the new me in conversation a few times now, test? May actually be to show the kids we can get on, however, my last comment after “would you have me back after everything which has happened” followed by, “ohh I wasn’t asking if you would have me back, I was just asking” conversation (if that makes sense LOL) was that I would be her H, but not friend (I know, not the smartest!, but annoyed at the question and quick retraction, I haven’t had tooooo many backslides), so IDK
And one last thing I am very concerned with S12 and him refusing to come to mine – do you know a reason for this? I will be sorting out Sky this week to get internet but just feel there is more to it – has he said anything to you? I think you need to speak to S12 directly, as I do not want you to think it’s coming from me! I have told him to go straight to yours after school on Wednesday instead of coming home. You are more than welcome to come round later after work to pick up anything he needs, just use D14’s key as I will be out. I know S12 told you a few things on the phone as he told me, but I had a chat with him last night and he said that he: 1) Feels left out as you do more with D14 than him 2) Feels D14 has sleepovers and he doesn’t 3) Feels you put D14 first, and don’t call him as often 4) doesn’t like all the arguing, esp the shouting etc 5) Gets bored, has nothing to do 6) Does nothing when he is with you 7) Gets banished to the stairs 8) Lies under his bed often 9) Cannot watch tv 10) Wants to be with his dad more (obviously he is at that age where he looks up to his dad)
Thoughts greaty appreciated
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
