Don't know where I am

[Harrier]

I dunno.

A great fun weekend at the beach on Sat. Then just hanging around on Sunday.

It may sound odd but these weekends are killing me. I know it's better than the alternative, but they are such painful reminders of how things were and how things could be. I mean if W and I we in full recon. This weekend would have been FANTASTIC. This summer would be fantastic. I mean we are finally in a better position financially, both kids are healthy and very enjoyable, both of us are healthy.

But in the back of everything is this pain and hurt. I mean I don't let it color my actions. W knows it's there, she has here own (we talked about it)

My W made a misstatement this weekend that I picked up on (I mean with where I am how could I not.) I said I saw a house for sale in an area where we've wanted to move. She said if "we had enough money, that'd be the perfect solution. You could move out and live there for a while then when we were ready to live together we could just move into the new house."

I decided to stop inviting my W to one-on-one things. We were talking about movies. I said, "I still need to watch Sherlock Holmes. I'll probably watch it tonight (Sat.) after the kids are in bed." She says, "I'll watch it with you, but I'll probably do some work while the movie's one if that's okay." (She had already seen it)

So she's putting our oldest to bed and txts me. "Down in 5, u want to start the movie?"

Then she comes down watches the whole movie. Doesn't do any work.
It stuff like this that boggles my mind.

But with all that, I'm nearly done on the inside. I realized today that my life will be okay with out her and if I came home and she said "I decided I want the D." I'd probably say, "Okay, what do we need to do?" I'd be sad...and am a little sad.

But I look at the woman who I've known for nearly 20 years and she looks different to me now. I don't' know if I want someone who has to "decide" if they can be married to me. Who has to see if they can get over things. Who is not physically attracted to me now.

I had a dream I was going on a date last night. I was nervous, excited and happy.