I'm sorry if this is going to seem choppy, but I'm just trying to write things as I remember them.
W called last night because she wants to set up a meeting to go over things before mediation on August 10th. We've decided to meet at a coffee shop next Monday.
We ended up talking for 3 hours!! Yes, it was 3 hours of good and bad.....mostly bad. 3 hours of her telling me:
she doesn't have MLC (she brought this up because I mentioned this to her months ago)
telling me that she wanted to leave years ago
telling me how happy she is now
telling me that she has no feelings for me at all and doesn't know if they'll ever come back
admitted to "spewing" all sorts of lies
blamed me for cancelling our counseling sessions (she did this)
hated my radio personality and felt like she was married to him
said I should have taken her drinking as a sign
said she warned me years ago that we should go to counseling
told me that I MADE her wear lingerie in the bedroom
said I always thought she wasn't good enough
said I didn't like her boobs and thought they were too small
said I didn't support her
said I always thought the worst of her
accused me of putting my friends and everyone else before her
asked me what changes I was making because she can't see any
told me that the house was a mess
I asked her:
M: Do you know I love you?
W: Yes.
M: How?
W: I can see it in your eyes.
M: That's good. I'm glad you know.
W: Sometimes though you refuse to even look at me.
M: Because it hurts to sometimes.
W: I understand that.
Said that her joing the internet dating site had nothing to do with her leaving
Said that she was sorry for joining it, but she doesn't regret it because she was on her way out anyways
Accused me of controlling every situation
Said I had two chances to convince her to stay but I blew them
Another part of the conversation:
M: Why don't we just delay this for a few months?
W: You're not entitled to a delay.
M: I know that. I'm not entitled to anything.
W: No.
M: I'm not asking you to not file a divorce or to come home. I'm just asking you to put it off for a while.
W: I can't. I want it done. Plus, I've already paid to file.
M: Just consider it.
Nothing.
Said she doesn't know me anymore
Said if we did delay, she still might not like me and feelings may never come back
Said she is just done and can't do it anymore
Told me that she can't trust me and may never trust me
Said if we got back together, I would always wonder who she was talking to on the phone
Told me that I should get rid of my "radio personality" FB page and create one that is just mine. (I actually may do this)
Said that I should have given her the time she needed back in December
Says that S16 doesn't want to be with her because S18 brainwashed him and I brainwashed S18
Said that I should have never made love to her the day after my grandmother died 10 years ago
Told me that she needs to find out why she let herself be in such a sh!tty relationship for so long
Told me that she is vulnerable because of me and may never trust any man again
Accused me of talking on the phone all the time while driving
Said that I wasn't there for her or encouraging enough
Told me that I was a great father, but never really a dad
Said that the men in my life growing up were all sh!t and I never had a decent role model
Told me that her mom made her feel like she couldnt do anything right when she was growing up
Said that none of this has nothing to do with her childhood
Says she is absolutely sure she wants a divorce
Said that she needs someone and that someone is not me
Told me that our lives will always be inter-twined
Now says that she would like to work on our friendship
Said that I made a lot of mistakes when she first moved out and now it is just too f*cking late
Told me to make changes for me and not for her
Says that she can't even remember some of the lies she told
Said she was broken
Told me that I should have told her that I was writing my own vows. (I didn't because I wanted to surprise her.)
Said that she only wanted to renew as a last ditch effort
Says we have nothing in common. Says she wants an active lifestyle, but I don't.
Said that I was too late as usual to try to fix things
Said that if I saw a good-looking woman on tv and made a comment about it, that meant that she wasn't pretty enough.
Says that she has absolutely no stress now
Told me that if I get custody of S16 and get child support, she won't be able to live on her own
Says we grew apart
Said that my mom has no reason to be mad at her
Told me that there is nothing wrong with divorce. People do it everyday.
Said that instead of hanging around for a few months, she should have just left one day while I was at work like all of her friends told her to.
Says that what she did had nothing to do with being selfish
Says I chipped away at her love until there was nothing left
Accused me of never helping her enough
Said she never felt special
Said there were good times, but they didn't outweigh the bad
Told me that she isn't a mind reader and then said I should have been able to read her mind two minutes later
I'm sure there is more. I just can't remember anything else at the moment. I was actually surprised that she talked to me for as long as she did, but man did it hurt. I made a mistake when asking for a delay didn't I? Believe it or not, the conversation wasn't all that bad. I validated everything and apologized for the valid stuff. I didn't raise my voice, but asked her to please not yell at me numerous times.
I'm convinced that she is through. What the hell do I do now? I know I have to work on me, but last night hurt really bad. I was surprised that we even had a relationship talk.
I think I may be the one that is broken.
When will I learn?
Tad
Currently: M 57 XW 58 Sons 39,34,32,30
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
