Is filing for D a 180?

[25yearsmlc]

So he says he wants one. He knows etc.. He said that he would have filed sooner but i said i wouldnt sign. Well I have done the leg work as far as me i know what it will take to file for a D with us both agreeing.

I don't get this^^^. So what if you won't sign? That only delays the divorce. Are you in another country where both parties have to consent to divorce? I mean, in the USA, if he wants one, he can get one.


He doesnt have the $ to file with a lawyer but if i agree to file with him and we agree on everything he can do it. So do I just wait for him to file etc? I just dont even know anymore..

Not clear...are you saying he wants it to be cheaper/simpler so he wants you to agree? If so, is your question whether to go ahead and save some bucks but speed it up? Or to drag your feet and hope he wakes up, but know that it will cost more?

If you are in the US and don't have a lot of assets, the amount you're disputing isn't enough to justify dragging your feet IF IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY...

but if it's Not just the money, that's different....which is it, and what do YOU want?


I know why he is rushing. He wants to be with other people and not feel guilty anymore which is what i made him feel in the marriage. He has that link to me and cannot move on with out it broken I think..

how do you "KNOW" this^^^?? Are you mind reading or has he told you?


I think I move on and am okay with a D but then it hits me again. Im looking GREAT losing weight and GAL really GAL!!!!! I just have a hard time not wanting my husband and family.

So if i just let him file and come to me but then agree to what he wants that is a 180 from my control.

I'm not sure what you are asking^^^ here. Are you saying the 180 would be such a 180 that you'd do it to possibly get him back

OR

are you saying part of you wants out anyhow, b/c now you look good and the single life doesn't seem so bad?

I know you are lonely. You feel rejected and the attention of other men is appealing. That's not a reason for divorce though, esp when you have kids. How old are the kids?


However I dont want one he knows that already and if I give him a no answer he will wait but I could free him from our RULES about not dating.. I guess that would be more of the same though.. me in control of the scenario...

Wow...interesting dynamic. What's stopping him from dating OW now? You telling him not to?

I dont want the broken man before me I want the man he can be after we heal. I will continue to pray for that and keep that safe in a part of my heart.. but still move on as best as I can.

I wont stop it but I wont encourage it either..
He has said some things about the kids lately that upset me. Like he cannot handle them both together because they fight.. He wants to try one at a time.. I dont know if I should try to control this or allow it.. It isnt fair to the kids

how is this so unfair to the kids? Why isn't there SOME value to them having one on one time with him?


but me controlling the issue is more of the same.


How about you NOT using the words "allow" and "control" AND

you both decide what's best for the kids, with NO other consideration involved?

If he can only handle one at a time, and he says so,[b] for now,[/b] what's the harm in him giving one on one attention with that child?


I think if I allow him to take one the other will freak out.

there's that word "allow" again...


Then Ill just let them call him and the chips will fall where they may.. He cant even think about being a bad dad that makes him cringe...

sounds like a man who cares about being a good dad...

He is shirking his responsibility little by little. He is high on his freedom.. I hope that he enjoys the ride!
Now YOU sound bitter and angry. He cares about being a good dad

OR

he's shirking his responsibilities b/c he's not doing it your way

or as you "allow"...?

Do you see a pattern here? You don't want a broken man but you insist he do it your way

or he's a shirker?

How has guilt been a factor in HIS life? Have you used it in the marriage?

My observation about guilt is that it backfires. Particularly with men, guilt ends up converting into anger at the source of the guilt.

At some point the person trying to "guilt" others, and control (same thing just a different manipulation technique)

will be rejected by those whom he/she is trying to control.

You need to back off big time. Let your h learn to be the man and father HE can be...

Without you judging or grading or deciding his way is wrong...

He'll never learn to manage the kids, one or both, without being on his own with them AND without a "net"....but he's no fool, right?

He won't drive drunk or blow things up with them, right?

So isn't the bonding time they can only fully get with him, without you,

and the surrendering of control itself, worth it to you?

If the kids somehow manage to survive and still love their dad, mission accomplished. (Yes I am exaggerating but the point is still there).

What exactly are you worried about when the kids are with him, and NOT within YOUR CONTROL? Has he injured them in the past?

Have you lost a child to death?

I only ask b/c I am not used to a woman having so much control & fear over her h's (their father) having THEIR children with him, and how and when and all that....

Just need more info before I can offer much advice...
hang in there