XYZ is here, and it looks like I'm staying...

[Dawn of Hope]

Just popping in to give a slightly different perspective here. I have not yet made it to the piecing stage so I have no advice on that in general, but I would like to comment on something specific that you have been talking about a lot.

I know you really want her to make that appointment. I get it, it's something of a litmus test for you as to whether she is serious or not. However, you have said that she has a long history of not being good about following through with these administrative things, and she's frequently late (goes with the territory).

I'm a woman with a similar set of tendencies (although with me the lateness is by far the worst). For example, one of the big reasons my H left (or so I'm told; you know how much weight we should attach to that) was because I wasn't taking the initiative in running my business (I'm a sole proprietor, trying to do everything myself), so I wasn't making a lot of money. The thing is, even with all of the reasons to change that (to please H and maybe change his opinion of me a bit, to make more money at a time when I am dead broke, to help my self-esteem and all that) ... I still haven't "gone live" on my business website, which I started working on over 7 years ago! My H even told me once (after he left) that he goes there periodically to see if I've done anything with it. (I did finally get some tech help, but the delays have been almost entirely my fault.) So, clearly, it would at least be something I could do to minimize his reasons for staying away.

And I can assure you (see my thread if you like) that I want my M restored, down to the depths of my soul, and I will be standing for it and for my H as long as we are both alive. So it is not as simple to "just do it" as some people think it ought to be, even if you truly want the end results. Of course, I have had depression for decades, which invariably creates this kind of problem for those who have it, but one of my goals is to live a life which requires no excuses (still have a long way to go).

The point I am attempting to make is that humans are not simple, linear operators; our thinking can make everything much more complicated than it ought to be (but you knew that already, right?). One of the things I have learned through all the therapy and reading and studying about depression and relationships and so on, is that people do/don't do things for a wide variety of reasons, and often they aren't what we think they are, especially in the case of other people's actions. That's why it's generally better to give other people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible.

Here's an exercise to demonstrate: Write down every possible reason that you can think of which might contribute to your W not making this appointment yet. I'll bet that if you work at it, you can come up with 10 or 15 of them; I could, and I don't even know her. Have you done it yet? Seriously, grab a piece of paper and scribble them down; it will only take a couple of minutes. I'll wait ...







Okay, done it now? I hope so. Now, I'll bet that if you look over that list, you will see that a lot of those reasons have little or nothing to do with how serious she is about reconciling with you. What are the odds that some of those reasons (not about you) are in play here? Pretty high, I would say. So you see, it really isn't all about you, which in this case is a good thing.

The reason I have told you this long story (and encouraged you to go through this exercise) is to explain why I want to encourage you to let go of attachment to whether she makes the appointment or not, or how long it takes. If she has trouble just making an appointment to get the car serviced, why would you hang all your hopes on whether she makes an appointment which undoubtedly has a much higher level of emotion attached, with great potential for conflict? That is an enormous amount of pressure to put on her at this stage, whether you express it overtly or not. I think she, your M, and especially YOU will be much better off if you decline to make it the be-all and end-all of your reconciliation efforts. I think that if you try to decide whether she is serious or not based on whether she does something that was ALWAYS difficult for her, you are shooting yourself in the foot. If you absolutely have to create a test of whether or not she's serious (which I don't think is a good idea anyway, but I'm not an expert here), at least pick something that she used to do for/with you all the time and enjoyed, which she stopped doing when things got hairy between you. Understood? Make the barrier she has to scale for you to believe in her more of a street curb and less of a Mount Everest.

Besides, think of it this way: What is the end result you are looking to have come out of her making this appointment? A better M, right? If the M is getting better even without the appointment and its subsequent results, why sweat it?

I hope that helps!

Peace and blessings,
Dawn