New to the forum.

[Lonely in SLC]

Here it is Sunday night. The weekend has been tough. I took the kids to go see Transformers on Saturday. We all enjoyed it. There was one part during the movie that my mind wandered back to the pending divorce. I can't even watch an action movie without the stupid thoughts of divorce, how I hurt, etc... popping up.

Saturday night was driving me crazy thinking about my wife going clubbing again. I really try not to, it is just hard. I just wanted to scream, cry, yell, not be born..... I hate moments like that. I had not heard a peep from the W all day Saturday.

I dropped the kids off at my old house at 6:15. I really did not want to see my wife. It still hurts to bad. I was hoping to drop the kids off then drive away without seeing her. When we arrived, she was waiting outside. She wanted to show me the interior of the house. She had cleaned it spotless in order to sell it. We had 4 people look at the house this weekend.

I went inside to look. I complimented her, then said that I needed to go. I believe I appeared happy the whole time, but I could not look her in the eye and just wanted to leave.

W: Why are you mad at me? (Looking at me strangely)

M: I'm not. (Appearing happy, but not looking at her eyes)

W: Why are you acting weird then.

M: I don't believe I'm acting weird. I promise, everything is ok and I'm not mad at you. I have plans and I am late. (I wanted to say "Couples about to divorce don't chit chat!")

W: You have plans??? Where are you going???

M: Just out.

W: O...k.... I will have the the divorce papers ready by Tuesday.

M: OK, I need them by Wednesday because that is when I will have my L review them. Bye

W: Bye

I could tell that she wanted me to stay longer to just talk. She almost had that pouty flirty look when I was telling her that I needed to go. She seemed very suprised and possibly hurt that I left so quickly without speaking to her much. I just really did not want too stay and talk unless it was about not going through the divorce. It hurts to much, and I'm afraid it would have led to R talk, then me crying. I will admit, I have led a fairly easy life. No deaths to close family members or friends, never really had my heart broken till now. I can now start to feel the walls go up around me that I have heard about from others to protect me. The walls are cold, but don't hurt as much.

Just heard Lying Eyes by the Eagles on the radio. Had to laugh.

It sure is lonely Sunday nights after dropping the kids off.