I've been reading for a couple of weeks now. Decided to go ahead and register and tell my story in hopes that I can get some help and and advice.
Jul 2010 discovered quite by accident that W was having an EA with one of my best friends. Good Catholic boy from our Church. This led to a confrontation and for the first time I heard ILYBINILWY. We spent a few days talking. Spoke with our priest. He told her it should immediately stop as she was causing untold destruction in 2 marriages and families. I confronted OM and told him it stopped here and now. Wife agreed and we set about trying to find the problems with the marriage that caused this and to repair the damage. We rocked along through the rest of the summer and through the early fall and felt like we had made some progress. W does not communicate feelings well. I on the other hand tend to communicate too much and get frustrated when I can't get to the root of a problem because she clams up. November 1 I started the "Love Dare" for those who are familiar with it. For me it was a life changeing experience. I learned that I had wanted to make changes in her but I was the one changeing. I finally understood unconditional love. Over the 40 days, I found new ways to look at and to love my w. I will never be the same. For her though, not so much. About 2 weeks into the Love Dare I found that she had bought a pre paid cell phone and was using it to most likely stay in contact with OM. I wasn't snooping. This literally just fell into my lap. I prayed about it and thought about it and decided to leave it along and just see what happened. I knew that confronting her would not be the best thing to do right now. I continued the Love Dare. W would listen to what I had to say, but really showed little or no feelings for me and grew a little more cold and distant. She would disappear for a few hours at a time and was generally not available. Weird though we continued to ML and she seemed to be a willing and happy participant. Really screwed with my head. I talked to my family physician about her. He knows her well and believed her to be clinically depressed. He urged me to get her into to see him and he would talk to her about taking AD medication. She finally agreed and came home with a 30 days supply of AD. After a week, I asked her if she was feeling anything from the medicine. She said no. Waited another week and asked her and again she said no. I did a little snooping and found that she was not taking them, but would hide one pill a day in a bowl under her bathroom sink. Again, I didn't confront her. I was in the middle of the Love Dare and wanted to finish it before deciding what to do.
I completed the Love Dare 2 days before we were to leave on Christmas vacation visiting daughter in TN and brother and sister in law in OK. So I sat down and asked her when she was going to tell me about the cell phone. Busted!! Said she got it because she was planning on eventually leaving me and was afraid I would shut off her own phone. I called bulls**t. She said she would leave the phone at home for the vacation. Then asked her why she didn't take the AD. Busted again! Said she didn't need them. I asked her why she didn't just say that and not take them. She absolutely is terrified of any kind of confrontation or disagreement. Almost morbidly so. We decided to go on XMAS vacation in spite of all this. We really did have a pretty good time on vacation with family. We talked some. Hugged some. Texted "I love you's". Still ML and enjoyed it. Made it to SIL's house for New Years. While we were watching TV New Years Day, she said she wanted to pray her Rosary and the TV was too loud so she went outside. She stayed and stayed so after about 45 minutes I went out to see where she was. As I came around the corner of the house, I found her on that phone she was going to leave at home talking to OM. I lost it! It was not pretty. We immediately loaded up and made a long 8 hour drive home. The next 4 days were absolute hell. It was colder in the house than it was outside. I found OM's wife and told her about the cell phone charade. Probably the wrong thing to do at the time, but it felt good. On day 4 she came to me and said she had lied and cheated for months and she was ashamed of herself and wanted to make it right. She wanted to R and salvage this M. She confessed everything that she had done right then and right there for the last 6 months and begged me to forgive her. Of course I said yes. I believe that marriage is a sacrament and is till "death do us part". From January till May we had what I can only call a second honeymoon. It just kept on getting better and better. We were closer and communicated better than we had the entire previous 25 years. On May 20, she woke up, got dressed, stalked around the house for a little while and finally said she needed to leave and go to her sister's vacant house about 3 hours away and be along while she got her head straight. I tried to dissuade her but finally thought this may just be part of her process and told her to go ahead. I asked her if she was sure she was coming back after a few days. She said absolutely!!! After 8 days she sent me and email and said that she finally had all the junk out of her life including OM! That was a shock but I guess I should have known they were still in touch. Don't know if it ever progressed to PA, but does it really matter? Then shock #2. I'm coming back to town but I'm not coming home. No longer know if I love you and with all the lying and cheating doesn't know if I can forgive her and she really just doesn't want to try any more. Says she won't pursue a divorce because it would kill us financially and she wasn't sure that divorce was what she wanted anyway. She came home and I saw her for about an hour. Did all the wrong things. Begged, pleaded, promised, threatened, puked. You name it and I did it. She moved into a trailer with an 80 year old woman across town, and is driving my old truck, while I am driving the new car. Refuses any contact with me except emails and the emails need to be about bills and business...not R. She only checks emails every 4 or 5 days. Three weeks after telling me divorce was not the plan, she sends me another email telling me that she just came from the lawyers office and was fileing for D. That was a kick in the guts!!!! Who is this evil person inhabiting my wife's body?! She wanted me to use her lawyer and waiver everything to minimize cost. Said she wanted to be fair and split everything 50-50, but after all these lies, I couldn't take a chance so hired my own attorney. Told him the story and he was appalled! Said this was the kind of junk that happened with people who had been married 3-5 years not 26. He said it looked like I was going to be divorced and not even know why. Told wife I had my own lawyer and I wouldn't be signing any waivers. She said she understood. The first months was hell. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, lost weight, mind raced around the clock. Thought I was going to die and then disappointed when I didn't. Finally started getting it together. Found a great IC and she has helped me tremendously at getting a grip on my life. Then I found this website and immediately ordered DR. Lurk here every day and have read DR twice. I think since this has gone downhill so quickly and so badly, the only real options I have are to go dark and try to GAL. I do not contact her unless I am telling her that a bill has been paid. I try to make her contact me first and I keep my answers to the bare minimum. Never mention anything about R. We use email exclusively. She has a new phone and I don't know the number. She does not call me for any reason. She emailed me last week and said she wanted to come by and pick up more clothes and talk about division of property. She never showed. My IC says she is runing right now and doesn't even know what she is running from. She thinks it is me, but when she stops running and the demons are still there and I'm not, maybe she will start to think. I'm open for any and all advice. And Oh yeah, No divorce papers after 3 weeks. Beginning to think she might have put a hold on them, but who knows, they might be at my lawyers in the morning mail tomorrow.
You have come to the right place. I'm happy you decided to post because you will get lots of support and advice her.
The fact that you started IC is great. Keep up with that, as well as GAL. I know it's hard, but I promise you if you take this time to work on yourself, you would come out of this a better man regardless of what happens to your M.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thanks Timetotry and DelinquentGurl. I've made it through the worst of the panic phase. I now find myself in just a sad place whenever I think about how good we had it together and it evaporated in literally a few hours. The night before she left, we had her son and his girlfriend over for dinner and they told us they were engaged! We cooked, ate, drank a little wine, and had a great celebration. After they left, we watched American Idol, laughed, talked, were making plans for another trip to TN. Then the next morning, an alien had invaded my wife's mind and body. I knew that I had issued to work on. I am controlling and since I found out about the EA last year, I have probably smothered her. But I recognised these and had been working on them. And she was finally beginning to open up and communicate a little bit. I think she has problems with loving unconditionally due to being hurt by men in her life previous to me. That includes family members. I'm dark right now, but I really have no choice. I have no way to contact her except by email and she only checkes it sporadically. I am working on changes that I have to make whether we reconcile or not, but with no contact, she doesn't know about any of this except that she was aware that I was changeing based on the Love Dare that I did Nov/Dec. Maybe she is just not ready to believe they are real. I spend a lot of time trying to read her mind since I don't have a clue as to what really happened. My IC tells me not to try and be a mindreader. She says her thinking is so erratic now that she changes her mind constantly and I am only going to kill myself trying to keep up with what she might or might not be thinking.
Me:61 W:60 M: 26 No kids ILYBININLWY AUG 10 S: 5/20/11 D filed 6/23/2011
To GAL I am reconnecting with old friends that I used to work with. I've been retired for awhile. Also helping some old people in my Church. Bring them to Mass, mow their yard. Slowly buying a new wardrobe. Lost a fair amount of weight and I like it. Started IC and it is saving my sanity. As far as 180's that is a tough one. With basically no contact, it is hard for her to see any changes in direction. I have stopped being such a couch potato. Walking for an hour in the evenings. I am going to make it a point to not be so needy or controlling with her, but with little or no contact, it is going to be hard for her to see. She did know that I was doing the Love Dare. While the Love Dare got me on the road to making real changes in my life and really did a lot for me, she didn't seem too impressed. I believe she thought it was temporary and over the top and wouldn't last. I was doing it just to keep her at home. But I can tell you that it is permanent and has made a significant difference in the way I look at life and love whether we ever reconcile or not. As the book, says, the Dare never ends, and I was still living it until the day she checked out. Very sad.
Me:61 W:60 M: 26 No kids ILYBININLWY AUG 10 S: 5/20/11 D filed 6/23/2011
Kaffe Diem thanks for reading my story. GAL - Connecting with old friends that I used to work with. Been retired for awhile. Making plans with them for lunch/happy hour. Walking for 45' to an hour every evening. Bought some new clothes since I have lost some weight. Hit the tanning booth. Trying to not just sit at home and mope.
180's Now that's tough. She has gone dark as much as I have and so it is hard to see any radical changes. I have been controlling in the past, but had really tried to stop doing it when I understood what it was doing to her during the Love Dare. Between January and May I did smother her. Mainly because I had not regained any trust with her. I think Trust takes a long time. I had little problem forgiving her for the A, but living in a small town, with the guy living 2 blocks away and going to our Church really kept things churned up. I had become something of a couch potato over the last couple of years. I think because I felt defined by my job and when I no longer had a job, I no longer had much value. I think she lost respect for me. I wish that she could see that this has really been a wake up call for me. I'm ready to get up and do something not just sit on the couch waiting to get old and die.
Love Dare - She knew I was doing it. She was not excited and did not have much positive reaction to it. I finished it on December 10. When we reconciled on January 4, I let her read the journal that I kept while I was doing the Dare. She cried for 2 solid days and kept saying, "I can't believe I treated you so badly!" As the book says, "the Dare never ends" and I really felt like I was getting better and better at it during the spring. I felt like she was appreciating the changes that I had made. That is why it was such a shock when she just got up one morning and left with barely an explanation.
Me:61 W:60 M: 26 No kids ILYBININLWY AUG 10 S: 5/20/11 D filed 6/23/2011
Sadly, your story is very familiar. Glad you found us and I think you'll find the support is the best.
I have a copy of LD but I personally do not believe that is what should be applied with a WAW who is in an A. The only thing that even comes close to getting her attention is tough love.
The thing about an A is the addiction! I had never read or heard about that until I had an EA and found my way here. If you haven't read the information, just type in search PEA.
I'm very certain that your W had good intentions when the priest gave the advice. I figure OM's W probaby put pressure on him, too. But your W and OM discovered it's not that easy to overcome their need to fix their addictions. That's why your W had to find excuses for leaving the house.
The 8 days she was away was probably spent with OM. If OM didn't spend it with her, I think it was b/c he dumped her. Thus her "turnabout".
Each time your W showed remorse and wanting to make the M work, was more than likely, her fallback to her leftover option.....her H.
She will have to work this out and she needs time to do it. You don't need her to go home until she has gone through some strong withdrawal from A. This time next year, she might be ready, but by then, you may be in a different place.
If you can move forward and GAL, it will really help her see you as a single, attractive man. Key word being "single". If she thought she could not have you, and if another woman was wanting you.......she would suddenly think she'd just die if she couldn't live with you. Human nature.....it's a kick, isn't it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Woodman, I can relate to much of your sitch. Look up PEA like Sandi suggested. It is not a solution, but placing labels on things in my sitch helped me accept what I could not change immediately and target things I could.
GAL and detach as much as you can so you can focus on what you can control. You.
Try and let all of the other BS in this drama go away. You won’t be able to at first, but with practice, focus on small successes and yourself you will eventually be able to.
I wish I had more for you.
Vets here like Sandi are precious and speak from perspectives farther along their journeys than I. As you’ve lurked you may have seen this truth. “This is a marathon not a sprint.”
At the risk of sounding cliché
There are no simple solutions, only intelligent choices. It is up to each of us to recognize the right choice for ourselves, and have the courage to seize it. We cannot do so while wringing our hands speculating what our spouses are doing or how they will act. That is why GAL, detachment and standing proudly for ourselves is so important to me
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I tend to think you're in pretty good position, believe it or not.
So many folks here are dealing with wandering spouses who are still living with them, and it's a killer.
Despite your wife being gone, it is actually that separation that, in the long run, may give you a chance in the end.
Listen to the other people here. I believe that Sandi's advice to strengthen yourself and place most of your focus there is sound counsel. The truth is, there is very little you can do to change the dynamics between you and your wife until she gets further along in her journey.
You on the other hand have the opportunity to get your legs back under you. You have the opportunity to move forward with carving out a solid life for yourself, even while your wife is floundering.
She knows where you are. And she knows how to reach you.
Be the better person for now. Hold yourself up and be ready when you are needed.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
