I've been reading for a couple of weeks now. Decided to go ahead and register and tell my story in hopes that I can get some help and and advice.
Jul 2010 discovered quite by accident that W was having an EA with one of my best friends. Good Catholic boy from our Church. This led to a confrontation and for the first time I heard ILYBINILWY. We spent a few days talking. Spoke with our priest. He told her it should immediately stop as she was causing untold destruction in 2 marriages and families. I confronted OM and told him it stopped here and now. Wife agreed and we set about trying to find the problems with the marriage that caused this and to repair the damage. We rocked along through the rest of the summer and through the early fall and felt like we had made some progress. W does not communicate feelings well. I on the other hand tend to communicate too much and get frustrated when I can't get to the root of a problem because she clams up. November 1 I started the "Love Dare" for those who are familiar with it. For me it was a life changeing experience. I learned that I had wanted to make changes in her but I was the one changeing. I finally understood unconditional love. Over the 40 days, I found new ways to look at and to love my w. I will never be the same. For her though, not so much. About 2 weeks into the Love Dare I found that she had bought a pre paid cell phone and was using it to most likely stay in contact with OM. I wasn't snooping. This literally just fell into my lap. I prayed about it and thought about it and decided to leave it along and just see what happened. I knew that confronting her would not be the best thing to do right now. I continued the Love Dare. W would listen to what I had to say, but really showed little or no feelings for me and grew a little more cold and distant. She would disappear for a few hours at a time and was generally not available. Weird though we continued to ML and she seemed to be a willing and happy participant. Really screwed with my head. I talked to my family physician about her. He knows her well and believed her to be clinically depressed. He urged me to get her into to see him and he would talk to her about taking AD medication. She finally agreed and came home with a 30 days supply of AD. After a week, I asked her if she was feeling anything from the medicine. She said no. Waited another week and asked her and again she said no. I did a little snooping and found that she was not taking them, but would hide one pill a day in a bowl under her bathroom sink. Again, I didn't confront her. I was in the middle of the Love Dare and wanted to finish it before deciding what to do.
I completed the Love Dare 2 days before we were to leave on Christmas vacation visiting daughter in TN and brother and sister in law in OK. So I sat down and asked her when she was going to tell me about the cell phone. Busted!! Said she got it because she was planning on eventually leaving me and was afraid I would shut off her own phone. I called bulls**t. She said she would leave the phone at home for the vacation. Then asked her why she didn't take the AD. Busted again! Said she didn't need them. I asked her why she didn't just say that and not take them. She absolutely is terrified of any kind of confrontation or disagreement. Almost morbidly so. We decided to go on XMAS vacation in spite of all this. We really did have a pretty good time on vacation with family. We talked some. Hugged some. Texted "I love you's". Still ML and enjoyed it. Made it to SIL's house for New Years. While we were watching TV New Years Day, she said she wanted to pray her Rosary and the TV was too loud so she went outside. She stayed and stayed so after about 45 minutes I went out to see where she was. As I came around the corner of the house, I found her on that phone she was going to leave at home talking to OM. I lost it! It was not pretty. We immediately loaded up and made a long 8 hour drive home. The next 4 days were absolute hell. It was colder in the house than it was outside. I found OM's wife and told her about the cell phone charade. Probably the wrong thing to do at the time, but it felt good. On day 4 she came to me and said she had lied and cheated for months and she was ashamed of herself and wanted to make it right. She wanted to R and salvage this M. She confessed everything that she had done right then and right there for the last 6 months and begged me to forgive her. Of course I said yes. I believe that marriage is a sacrament and is till "death do us part". From January till May we had what I can only call a second honeymoon. It just kept on getting better and better. We were closer and communicated better than we had the entire previous 25 years. On May 20, she woke up, got dressed, stalked around the house for a little while and finally said she needed to leave and go to her sister's vacant house about 3 hours away and be along while she got her head straight. I tried to dissuade her but finally thought this may just be part of her process and told her to go ahead. I asked her if she was sure she was coming back after a few days. She said absolutely!!! After 8 days she sent me and email and said that she finally had all the junk out of her life including OM! That was a shock but I guess I should have known they were still in touch. Don't know if it ever progressed to PA, but does it really matter? Then shock #2. I'm coming back to town but I'm not coming home. No longer know if I love you and with all the lying and cheating doesn't know if I can forgive her and she really just doesn't want to try any more. Says she won't pursue a divorce because it would kill us financially and she wasn't sure that divorce was what she wanted anyway. She came home and I saw her for about an hour. Did all the wrong things. Begged, pleaded, promised, threatened, puked. You name it and I did it. She moved into a trailer with an 80 year old woman across town, and is driving my old truck, while I am driving the new car. Refuses any contact with me except emails and the emails need to be about bills and business...not R. She only checks emails every 4 or 5 days. Three weeks after telling me divorce was not the plan, she sends me another email telling me that she just came from the lawyers office and was fileing for D. That was a kick in the guts!!!! Who is this evil person inhabiting my wife's body?! She wanted me to use her lawyer and waiver everything to minimize cost. Said she wanted to be fair and split everything 50-50, but after all these lies, I couldn't take a chance so hired my own attorney. Told him the story and he was appalled! Said this was the kind of junk that happened with people who had been married 3-5 years not 26. He said it looked like I was going to be divorced and not even know why. Told wife I had my own lawyer and I wouldn't be signing any waivers. She said she understood. The first months was hell. Couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, lost weight, mind raced around the clock. Thought I was going to die and then disappointed when I didn't. Finally started getting it together. Found a great IC and she has helped me tremendously at getting a grip on my life. Then I found this website and immediately ordered DR. Lurk here every day and have read DR twice. I think since this has gone downhill so quickly and so badly, the only real options I have are to go dark and try to GAL. I do not contact her unless I am telling her that a bill has been paid. I try to make her contact me first and I keep my answers to the bare minimum. Never mention anything about R. We use email exclusively. She has a new phone and I don't know the number. She does not call me for any reason. She emailed me last week and said she wanted to come by and pick up more clothes and talk about division of property. She never showed. My IC says she is runing right now and doesn't even know what she is running from. She thinks it is me, but when she stops running and the demons are still there and I'm not, maybe she will start to think. I'm open for any and all advice. And Oh yeah, No divorce papers after 3 weeks. Beginning to think she might have put a hold on them, but who knows, they might be at my lawyers in the morning mail tomorrow.
