Long one So I met with w yesterday. She wants a D. I really listened to her. She doesn't feel like she had a "self" in M. She never had a self before us. She doesn't think it's possible for us to change our dynamic but she doesn't want to work on it. She doesn't want to try to have me in her as a w or friend. The task is too daunting, too much work and she doesn't want to try. She admitted she was never emotional available to me. She wants to be those things, but in new relationships now, with new people. I said that I didn't care about the d but at least would like to have a healthy emotional connection, she said she didn't want that.
She said that if she wasn't the strong one and played those roles, than I would see her as weak, If she was weak, I wouldn't need her anymore.
At that point, I cried. Said I never wanted me to be needy.. that I wanted us to be therefore each other but I felt she just couldn't let me in.. so i did what she could do, be there for each other. But she has all these feelings when it comes to letting me in, allowing me to be there for her, and that is just too much work all the time. She made it seem like if she started with someone else, she wouldn't have those same problems.
It was very hard to hear.. but I listened and validated. Said I understood that it seems daunting.. caz it does to me too. She says that she is always pleasantly surprised by our interactions because she expects me to be angry at her (which anger is something I have) even though I've never anger to her.. she knows how I have been with other people. She expects it to be her turn. She also is surprised because she thinks I'm gonna be a mess.. that I can't live without her. When she sees me, she sees that I am well.
She mentioned that the last time we saw each other, she was kinda a wreck the next day. Feelings of anger, sadness, jealousy. She said it seems like I am doing so well now without her. My job is getting good, I have loving friends, I went to church. I can't tell if she wanted me to have all those things in our m, or if she is mad I have them and she doesn't right now.
Also mentioned that she was proud and jealous of my screening the other night.
M: Well I don't know what difference it would make if I said I wanted you to be there.
W: It wouldn't its over anyway (meaning that special moment, not M)
M: Yeah well it seems if we would talk to each other a little more instead of assuming, we could have good times together.
W: She said yeah but I don't know what emotions are going to come up from hanging out with you, therefore it's easier to not deal with it. We can never just hang out, there is all the under current of emotions.
So I think My GALing is getting to her. I can't do anything about it because I GAL for me.
M: So I will forward you the rockclimbing ticket W: You don't want to go? M: I don't know if you are asking if I want to go in general or with you? W: With me (this conversation happened after she told me she wants me out of her life) M: I said I did, but I'm respecting your wishes. If you want to rock climb, let me know.
I told her that I am not opposed to give her the D, but I need to move at my own pace. She tried to respect it, but she kept pushing. I stood my ground.. not in a rude way.
M: You've been in program for 11 months, I've realized I'm CoDe for 2 mo. I can't move that fast.. I'm sorry.
W: Well I think we are going to have to meet in the middle. I'm going to need to learn to be patient and not controlling, and you are going to have to push yourself.
Got a text this morning.
w: Thanks for meeting with me yesterday and being willing to listen openly and without judgement. I know this is hard but I appreciate your continued commitment to approaching this with love and honesty. M: Sure. I'm glad you feel that way. M: By sure. I mean ur welcome. W: I figured.
And that's about it. I think I did rather well. The text was validating because it's something that I am constantly working on in my life. The anger the needy part of me, I'm working on too.
I feel I am slowly becoming the best val I can be. I don't know how she feels about it truly. One minute she is jealous, the next she is thanking me.. but I know I don't want to stop. If she can't handle the new me.. that's not my fault.
So that's the story. Looking forward to thoughts before I start talking about my gameplan.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
