I have to agree with Ken. You need to forget about your W and work on improving yourself and GAL. Trust me I was very skeptical about it but believe me given some time you feel differently. I too was driving myself nuts. It wasn't until I really realized I am the only one I have any control over, was the point where I began to focus on myself and not her. You may find after you begin to do this that you don't want her back. Not to say you won't still love her. I mean there is a place and always will be a place in heart for my stbx but its filed away where it needs to be.
Just keep your head up and remember if it's meant to be it will, if not you still have you and that is something nobody can take away from you.
Thanks sbh, I did ask her in her tm last Sunday when the A was revealed,
"the only thing I ask from you is that you cut off completely, your relationship with your boyfriend. Out of respect for me, the kids and your self".
And
"I will make it very clear for you". "1. give up, and know for the rest of your life that you didn't try... Or 2. Make an effort to rebuild a new marriage that is based on trust, respect and a new love for each other."
And
"will you break it off with him?"
So I know she has the message. I just have to be patient now... She IS worth it.
I am trying very hard to be patient. I don't pretend to be able to know what she is thinking, I just want to know that the OP is on hold, so that she can make a clear decision. Hopefully the decision is that he is out of her life. Then, I will be able to sleep again and not be haunted by visions of the two of them together. Just the fact that I know about her A, takes the bloom off the rosebush... I hope...
But I just have to keep telling myself "no rope". "be distant". "detach".
"Keep working on yourself." "keep being a good father and mentor". "Help around the house". "rebuild YOUR life"
The BIG question I have is how else can I "pull away"?
She has been half of my life for 13 years. I have forgotten how to be 1, instead of 1 of 2. How else can I rip the 1 away. After all we still live in the same house together. we have brief conversations together, on occasion we have meals together. Am I being too friendly? Not sure...
Can anyone give me any more clarity on other things I can do to achieve this?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
The BIG question I have is how else can I "pull away"?
It's in the attitude, Johnnie. You can live in the same house and be nice......even friendly at times, but if you are moving forward with or without her...that is what will be sensed by her. When it is finally real.
Until then, you will get the same advice you were given before, b/c it has not changed.
You gave your W some options, but what I haven't read is her answer. Did she give you one?
You said you have received conflicting advise. Exactly what has been confusing? Maybe we can help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
glad to see you Sandi... She has not answered. She said she needed time to think, so I am respecting that, and not going to discuss it until she is ready.
The conflicting advice is from the DB board(mostly consistent) and my circle of support of trusted friends (some conflicting, most of it opposite to DB board)
As far as making the pulling away real... I am at work all week, on the weekends I like to be home with my kids, being a father. I guess it is a mental state of mind... Kinda like as if you were breaking up with an old girlfriend. Although it is counterintuitive to my goal. It is totally the behavior I get from my wife.
Sometimes I wonder if she is using DB/DR on me... Could she be trying reverse psychology on me to make me change? I don't know.
So going forward, I'm going to continue to act as if, and mentally I'm going to adopt the break up attitude... It just feels so.... Opposite...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
It's in the attitude, Johnnie. You can live in the same house and be nice......even friendly at times, but if you are moving forward with or without her...that is what will be sensed by her. When it is finally real.
.
Should I show interest in other women? Ie like going out with female friends? Is that what you mean? Sandi?
Or do you mean like an "I don't care what you do, because I'm DONE too..." attitude
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Doing anything with other women right now is a mistake in my opinion. If you are ending the relationship because that is the decision you made, then eventually there will be other women in your life. If you still desire your marriage to be healed, meeting up with other women is both a nasty game and hypocritical.
I agree with Sandi that much of what you're wrestling with is a matter of your mental/emotional attitude.
The reasons for focus on GAL and PMA with DB is to help you achieve a better emotional frame of mind.
You're looking for concrete steps that you complete and the result is a better frame of mind. It doesn't work that way. This is hard work and part of the reason it's hard is that you have to process a change in your thinking.
I do believe that at some point it will be necessary to have a brief conversation about the state of things. You need to know if she is interested in healing what's wrong between the two of you, or if she simply wants to play out things with the OM.
Problem is, I'm not sure you're are in a solid enough place emotionally to do that right now.
The indicator that you ARE ready would be your ability to hear her say that she wants to pursue things with OM, and you would be able to respond relatively dispassionately with the next steps (i.e. separate living arrangments).
Johnnie, this is something that you CAN do. The hurt won't magically leave you one day. It's a process. The first step is to accept it without allowing it to overwhelm you. To do that, you have to be convinced that you WILL survive and that you still CAN have a good life - with her or without her.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
You mention how you wish that the OM was out of the picture so that she could make a clear decision...
*sigh*... any idea how many of us are here, wanting the same thing... for a much, much longer time...?
As my sig identifies, OM (just ONE of at least two) has been in the picture since October... and every once in a while, it seems he goes away and I think "NOW, maybe she will have time to think about the M..."
And you know what? She doesn't... and he's still in her life... I do not know if he initiates it or she initiates it or if it's a planned time apart or what...
There is NOTHING we can do to MAKE our S come to any decision, whether OP is involved / around or not... that's the brutal truth...
If you wish to pursue other women, do it for you... not as a tactic to show your W what it's like for her H to be involved with an OP... she might care, she might not... but if you do get involved with an OW as a tactic, understand that if it does not have the desired results, you are playing with someone else' emotions...
It's been said before and will be again and it remains up to you how deeply you integrate this into your DB process. Now, later, before... It will be your actions that will show how much you really have accepted this... the DB process is for US to become better and is NOT a tactic to get our M back. If that ends up being an artifact of our DB, AWESOME! If not... c'est la vie...
I think she's into her own life, which in a way IS DBing...so you know what it looks like!
You'll be fine, no matter what SHE does...that's DBing... I know your pain is deep but join the club. We're telling you that you need to do this
and if you keep taking polls, then you'll remain confused. Pick an approach and stick with it.... a few months...One month???
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the DB process is for US to become better and is NOT a tactic to get our M back. If that ends up being an artifact of our DB, AWESOME! If not... c'est la vie...
I am at the point of changes that I wanted to make. So, I guess the rest is up to her... Right?
j
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
then leave the results up to God...& see what happens
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016