That's about all I can say, as you haven't really listened to anyone else. Ken is giving you the truth. It's a HARD truth, but it's wisdom nonetheless.
She needs to talk to me. My gut is sceaming that she is with OM.
This is going to drive me nuts. Shouldn't I use my spine to stand up for myself. And set a boundary?
I cannot live with the knowledge that she is going to see him. It's more than I can bear.
If I could at least know that she was not seeing him while she is considering her thoughts, I would be ok with that, and I could start to build trust for her again.
I want to be strong, that why I have used this forum instead of confronting her. What do I say to her when she gets home?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Btw, I have listened to everyone, sometimes it is hard to weigh out everything when I am getting so much conflicting advice from everyone... I don't want to screw everything up... If I had a clearer timeline and detailed actions during that timeline it would be so much easier. Maybe that's what I should do... Create a loose adjustable timeline...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Thanks for your wisdom. I have reread your post 5 times now to make it sink in. I can do this, hopefully sooner than later, my W will begin to open up and talk with me. I know it will take a long time.. Oh she's home
Later
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
So, I have done nothing. Just small talk, happy, light, no following, no accusation, no smothering.
I noticed when I did the wash, that her workout clothes were in there and they were damp with sweat. (sure enough, read in pheromones here)
My W seems to be in a happy mood, and I am too right now. .
Thank god I didn't pull the rope tight. You all saved me from a backslide. I choose to believe that she went jogging. I choose to drive those other thought out of my head. I CHOOSE to DB.
I needed to read some success stories to remind my Self that this process really does work. I know it's tough not to be a "doubting Thomas" when this journey is just starting. This morning in church, the priests sermon was tailor made for me. I had gone in to talk to him on Wednesday and told him my full story. Well, he had a full sermon based on the act of forgiveness and acceptance, and he was looking straight into my eyes while he delivered it. I know that my God was talking to me through my priest. On the way into church, I told my Dad that I didn't believe in prayer anymore because God wasn't answering my prayers, but he was. I was in a very dark place, and now I am not. I just had to listen to Gods words, and believe. it took me a while of reflection to realize it... I am going to send my priest a thank you note today, for his gift to me. God, I'll be glad when these meds kick in.
NOW, I need continue on this path and plan for the next step, (when it's time). So, if I am giving her space now, 7 days in, no R talk, no perusing, no neediness. What is the next things I should be looking for to move onto the next step?
What can I do now besides stick to the 37 rules to keep focussed. J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
forget signs. forget her. you will not win her back by trying to win her back.
there is no guaranteed plan of action. there's what has worked for others in the DB books, and there's what everyone here has been telling you. and that has worked for some and not others. we're giving you the best help we have based on what we lived.
you have the support of some very good people here, they've taking their time to listen to you even though i guess on some level it hurts them too.
take some strength knowing there are complete strangers who care for you.
every situation is unique, every WAS is different. there are some similarities, but they're only similarities.
everyone here wants concrete steps guaranteeing pre-determined results.
there are none.
the only thing you can control is yourself. continue to work on yourself. you have to weigh your options and decide your path. get your head clear, GAL, go to IC, make your own happiness, control your thinking, PMAs. none of this is easy. all of it hurts. work is the only way through it. the better you feel about yourself, the less bad you'll feel about your situation. breathe, slow down.
slow down.
nothing good will come from rushing.
this is a long process. it wont be over any time soon.
because of the kids, you two will be interacting for the rest of your lives.
that's the timeline you have to work with.
you cant make her leave OM. you can make her leave you. you can set boundaries, but cant control how she will react to them. you cant save the M until you get yourself straightened out.
i wasnt able to save my M, but i saved myself, mostly, and am continuing to work to save myself.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I, like you needed to hear my W tell me it was over with OM.
That way any further contact with OM constituted a lie.
I'm like you J1. I wasn't going to take it.
I don't believe anyone has the right to disrespect you...
BUT YOU MUST DO THE FOLLOWING...
ASK, and then let it go.
You can not harp on her every time she goes out...
Your sanity is MUCH more important than you W... IMO...
Remember this always...
"Save your marriage if it's possible! Save yourself no matter what!"
Good luck!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
