New - HELP! Tried the 180/Last Resort & Failed

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. It sounds like I should keep communication if he reaches out again (haven't heard from him in a couple of days, but he is at his folks).

But protect yourself with your detachment "moat"...it's both protective for you and helps you GAL which assist you in being happy, busy and ....as it turns out,often, makes you more attractive and appealing to the WAS...go figure.


This ^^^does stink, no question. I suppose if I were forced to see the upside, it's that you are simplifying. I read that book "Simple Abundance" and she REALLY advocates DE-Cluttering, purging and shedding unwanted baggage & it's more than a literal thing for that author. Metaphoric, symbolic and literal...and healthy. I tried to, and succeeded SOME but have a long way to go.

We have too much "baggage", literally. MIL died i March and h is holding on to things we do NOT NEED, a house of it in storage and our garage and rec room...absurd. But I don't have the heart to do much with it til he's ready...says we'll "keep it for the kids" but so far they've not taken a whole lot...and h is a hoarder. I had to force him to release the "Hawk Stand" for his falconry hobby made of old iron and leather straps, and weighing 30 lbs, moved now 17 times (he hasn't used it since 1983, but who's counting?)...so lighten up!! Get it?


I guess I've got to look at the positive things: I've survived almost four months since he dropped the bomb, I have my health even though I don't have health insurance,

what's up with that money he gave you (or 'returned' to you b/c honey, you earned it)? Please tell my it's in a safe ONLY accessible to YOU place...please??

That's money for a car or health ins or rainy day money...why allow yourself to be even more vulnerable than you already feel?

When you reduce your sense of vulnerability, you'll reduce your fears and then you'll reduce any anger...and that gives you emotional room to grow, let go, someday forgive or not care, (almost the same) and move on happily to the next step...

Have you ever allowed yourself to realize that your sexual/initimacy needs were NOT met by him AND THEREFORE....

dating OM could very well lead to a R with someone more compatible in those areas?

If your exp had died, and you had grieved enough (....say for 2 weeks...) then


KIDDING!!!

But let's say you were done being in abject mourning, and that you had "resurfaced"...back into the real world of people and relationships, etc

then how would you feel different?

You would feel less rejected of course. We get that. It wounds us deeply... But

that's ego...not saying it's invalid, but it is what it is. The loss is otherwise the same

except death is also permanent...and that CAN mean false hope, confusion.

But if he's dead and gone, and you've processed it, THEN imagine what you life lived, happily, would look like...envision it in Detail...

and see if there aren't pieces of that which you can put together now.

Dating OMs for now is off the table IF I understood you correctly. But someday it might be On the table and what it,

just what if, you were m to a man without all this wacky baggage. A man with a HD or even just a normal sex drive. A man who loved loving you and let you know he felt happy and lucky to be with you.

Alone, they EXIST!!!

My older s became single at age 45 after 22 y of m and 3 kids. Her h filed for D for OW(ow#2 or 3??)

She was an RN befrore marriage, & then put her h thru law school. So he left her with the 3 kids, b/c she worked the whole marriage (he did not) she got NO alimony, no rstitution for putting him thru law school or cashing in her retirement for his school loans, just CS for 3 years. She didn't have the stomach for fighting him and wanted it overwith...

Why the digression? B/C she had a lousy m when her h left. Sure she loved him & in his way he loved her. But he was a cranky father who never put my sister first. She was the giver in the R and her h was the taker and it's ironic HE left her...2 years pass and she remarries a guy who loves her, thinks she's great, NICE intimate life, etc...

She would NEVER



so what would you do differently if you were

are you one of 2 children? I recall you have a sister.

I discovered I CAN live alone


(even if I don't like it), I have more time for reading the Bible and am comforted by it, I KNOW God is looking out for me (faith is a great thing), I have the DBing community to guide my efforts at personal growth (and maybe someday, relationship repair), I have proven to Ex-P that I can and WILL survive without him, I was given a good life for nearly twenty years and am not left with too much destructive anger, I know I did my best and I have my integrity...that is more than Ex-P can say.