I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

I'm sorry if this is a little long.

25 - Thanks for the hug. I needed it. I like your idea of wacky MLC comments. I will add a few that I heard here:

"You always thought I was fat."

"You wouldn't let me adopt a daughter from China."

"You always took me to the wrong grocery store."

"I was never dark enough for you."

"You wouldn't let me get my teeth fixed."

Those are just a few. My friend had this one told to him by his MLC wife:

"You mow the grass on Friday evenings. Why couldn't you just do it on Saturday mornings like normal people?"

Classic.

You said that your H accused you of holding him back. I got the same accusation from my W.

Please be kinder to yourself. By that I mean, take some gentle self protective steps

such as NOT looking at fb

(BTW, as an aside--may I point out how INaccurate your take on this is anyhow...who posts SAD looking pics of themselves? NO ONE. So they've already screened out the NON highlights of their lives.

Haha. So true. Never thought about that.

On one hand, we cannot expect linear movement from a MLCer to home.
It's not a clear path from them to us.

Yes, I've read that. The spouse is always last to reconnect to.

IF SHE IS COMING AROUND...

What difference would it make in your detachment work?

It would mean what you were doing isn't hurting your cause...so stay the course...

Very true. Staying the course......

Finding a job needs to be your priority b/c your self esteem seems based on two things:

your employment status and your perception of her opinions of you.

You control both of those things.

True. I've been trying to get work. Still no luck. It is priority #1 though. As for her opinions of me, it is just what I gather because it is painfully obvious. She told me before she moved out that "I don't love you any more than I love the dogs."

Does your w's job contain family centered activities likely to remind her of you and your sons? I didn't think so..so she has things to think about OTHER THAN YOU and YOUR M...you are surrounded by reminders of your previous life.

True again, but everyone she works with is in their 40's and single. I believe she gets a lot of influence from them since they are the only thing that seems important to her right now.

TAD, You may find that
only when you have your awakening, an awakening that takes your mind/heart off of her, and realize

finally, fully, that you can AND WILL be happy with or without her,

can she afford to take a hard look at her choices, and have her own awakening.

Ironic, a paradoxic, but true.

Yes, this makes absolutely no sense to me, but everyone has told me that.

Brooklyn, thanks for responding. Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you are well.

The truth is they are in crisis. You didnt cause it, you couldnt have prevented it.

Yeah, I know. It still hurts to get the blame for every little thing. This is why I'm convinced that she hates me.

She is going to be a million different people on different days. She is broken. Trying to figure out what she meant by something she said or did is not important because tomorrow it will be something different.

Yes, I've actually noticed this too. She actually admitted to me once that she is "broken."

Checking her facebook serves no purpose for you but to hurt you. So stop that. And I hope you didnt show your son her picture on there.

I didn't. He happened to walk in the room.

It is when you truly let go with compassion and forgive your wife that you will really start to move forward on your journey.

I believe I have forgiven her. Compassion? I want to help her and talk to her, but I know I can't right now. I hope she knows that I am here if she needs me.

SC, I hope you are well. You sound like you may be doing better.

Until this week, I didn't realise that pushing this all away, and out of the forefront of my thoughts is for MY benefit.

Yeah. Not for the benefit of the M, but for the benefit of ME. I'm starting to get that. Awfully hard though.

I do notice though my desire to even have contact with my STBX is diminished greatly.

I'm getting that way too because whenever we do have contact, I'm left hurting and wondering.....

Cadet, thank you. I do have HOPE. It is hard to have without expectations though.

Second MLC is a backwards crazy mixed up world,
so many times what seems hopeless and horrible can actually be forward progress within the crisis.
Things must get worse before they get better.
When things seem like they are getting good, that might actually be a bad sign,
and when they are getting bad it might really be good.

Haha. Confusing as Hell. Now I'm even more messed up! I do get what you are saying though.

Still learning to drink the coffee with a fork.

AJ, always good to hear from you my friend. I hope you are well.

As long as you stay connected, you will feel that pain. Letting go in a loving way is not giving up, Tad. By loving I mean by not going out and getting girlfriends, partying like a rock star and bad mouthing your spouse. It's ok to feel ok about yourself.

I agree. I feel like I have creeped back into my hole a little bit though.

I am at a place now where I can look back and see that this had been building for far longer than I was aware.

I am starting to see this too. When she told me she wanted out, everything seemed like it happened overnight. Looking back though, I'd bet it is safe to say that she has been going through something for 2-3 years. Maybe even longer. Does that mean that she has already been in the monster we call MLC for 2-3 years or did she enter it when she says that she "snapped?"

I think you'll see that you cannot know if she is happy or not. She doesn't even know! You said a lot of conflicting things as an example: she looks terrible and then she looks happy. Really Tad? Can you tell either of those?

Not really I guess. She does look terrible appearance-wise. She used to have such beautiful skin. Now it looks very old. As for her being happy, she seems that way. After all, she got what she wanted right?

Stay positive focused on the things in your life you can be grateful for. Focus on you and rebuild that self-esteem. Rebuild your positive attitude.

Trying to find a starting point my friend.

I was sitting at the computer today reading this board. I was hoping to God that W would call. Believe it or not, the phone rang. It was her. We only talked for about a minute:

M: Hello.

W: Hello there.

M: What's up?

W: I found two old books of yours that your grandfather gave you. Do you want them back or should I hold onto them for our grandkids?

M: You can just hang on to them.

W: Ok. Well, that is all I called for.

M: Ok. Yeah, just keep them.

W: Alright. I was just doing some dusting and going through a few things and found them. Thought I would call and ask about them.

M: Alright. Cool.

W: Talk to you later.

M: Ok.

W: Bye.

(At this point I wanted to tell her that I love her soooooooo bad, but I stopped myself.)

M: Bye.

This phone call actually made me feel good AND bad. Good because she is talking to me again. Before she would have just sent a text. Bad because she acts like what we are going through is just no big deal. She is DONE. D O N E.

God, I love her.

A few months ago I read in a post by Heartsblessing (I think) that said in one of the stages (I forget which one) The MLCer will sometimes become afraid of the dark. My W was in my livingroom the other day telling S25 that: "I haven't been able to sleep all week. It's kind of weird with nobody being in the house." Why am I mentioning this? No reason really. I just found it interesting.

I can't explain it, but I do feel like something is going on with her. She seems so different in the last few weeks since her surgery. A better kind of different. Can't put my finger on it. I could be wishful thinking, but S18 has noticed it as well. All I can do though is keeping doing what I am doing. Our last several interactions have been pleasant. Good? Bad? Who knows?

Anyways, that is the latest. Just wish she wasn't so done, without trying to give us a chance.

Our mediation is in 32 days.......

Thank you everyone. You have no idea how amazing you all have been.

Tad