25, Yes, my H has, on occasion, been mean with his comments. An example: When I asked if we could go slow, date again and fall in love again, he said "Don't want to date you. Don't want to fall in love with you" When I said "What's the difference between starting all over with me, or starting with someone new?" and he said "Because I've experienced you". My DB coach said not to worry about comments like that, though, because they are made when he feels pressured or argued with. Very true. But I give this example (and there are others) to show you that he is definitely not afraid to hurt my feelings. And any time I start to act like we are at all like a married couple, he finds a way to set me straight and make sure I remember the reality. (Back in January, I made plans to celebrate his birthday, very low key. He refused, saying "I'm busy with work, and don't want to pause to rekindle something I'm not interested in rekindling") And this was BEFORE he filed. But yet, we talked every night on the phone, went out on weekends, and maintained a physical relationship. I basically feel like his comments change with his moods or stress level. Or whether or not he feels pushed. And now he isn't being pushed at all, but I think now that he has filed, his pride and stubborness, and determination not to be controlled, is keeping him from stopping the divorce.
As far as a time limit, I feel like I will know in my heart when it's time to give up. It's only been a month since he filed, so I'm not even close to giving up. I attended Divorce Care, and the leader told me that if I have the desire to restore my marriage, God put that desire in my heart and I should honor it. He said if it is ever time to quit, I will know it. And at this point I have no desire to give up.
Yes, there are some who will stand for their marriages for years. If you check into "Rejoice Ministries" their whole message is that eventually, your spouse will return if you pray, try to improve yourself (not unlike the DB message), and wait patiently. Remarkably, they have many testimonials of marriages where that happened. And Divorce Care says that MOST spouses who file for divorce eventually want to return. But usually, the LBS has moved on to another relationship. So the message of perseverance is not uncommon. The question is, Can you wait? And I don't judge anyone who chooses to wait, and I don't judge those who choose to move on. We all have to listen to our own hearts. How long will I wait? Until I no longer want to. It's really that simple.
jbnati, I do pray for God's will. The confusion comes from the fact that marriage restoration IS God's will, yet it doesn't always happen. In those cases, I feel like God will help us to thrive in spite of our pain. God doesn't ever waste pain. And I do pray for my H. Not only do I want him back home, but I do worry about who he has become. He was always a MUCH better Christian than I was. I just can't believe how his priorities have shifted. There is no OW (as far as I know) but his job is his obsession. I just can't figure out, though, why his career seems to have totally taken off since he left. Like his leaving me is being rewarded. I question God on that, but I have to trust that He has a plan.
Getting ready now to meet a friend for dinner. Have a great weekend!
M50 H49 M 27 years D24, S21 Bomb 7/10 SEP 12/10 H files 5/11
Praying Hard for restoration! With God all things are possible!
