Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[dl443322]

SC, my mom was often the way your dad was. And my brother, who never left home is an raging alcoholic, too. My father present, but, passive. It was not a good place for a child to say the least.

And yes, as an adult, I realize why my mother was the way she was and I see now what her good qualities were. And there were many.

Yes, it has all affected me in many ways. I know that my inability to handle certain things, like my son having the same disease as I do and marrying a man who didnt open up about his feelings, were some of the things that put a real stress on my marriage. I take ownership of that.

Now that doesnt excuse my xh's actions. I never let MLC be a free pass. He has his own free will. But, I know, without a doubt that he is lost and broken.

Nothing I can do about that. I was lost and broken, too. Before the bomb and after.

Here's the thing. I do not blame myself for my inability to see who my xh is. I know who he was before. I know that something has happened and he is not that person now. It was not my fault that I didnt know this way coming.

It is great to reassess. We should do that often. We cannot ever truly know how to discriminate between authentic people and inauthentic ones. We are not them.

So, we do the best we can. Most times we are right. Sometimes, we are not. That is part of life. And it doesnt really matter if we are right or not. It's what we do when we are wrong that matters.

I know that this is all a process. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You were working on certain assumptions. You did the best you could with the tools and the knowledge you had.

That's why the focus should be on you. You need to figure out who you want to be.

I have no doubt you will get there. No doubt at all.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update- Journal
Got triggered last night, by a conversation I had with a friend.

She is experiencing the dimissive neglect I suffered for years with different people.
The neglect I eventually accepted as "normal" to insulate myself from pain and isolated myself from emotionally to wall it off in an attempt to become indifferent to it.

Still feeing very angry and hurt all over again today!

Time to write a letter to the offending parties as part of letting go, and beginning to forgive.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I want an edit button!

P.S. The letter is never sent, but it is dated so in future I can go back and see I have dealt with it and released myself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journaling - Venting

Spent some time in contemplation and prayer. Got no answers or guidance but then again I don't know what to look or listen for.
Heck I'm starting to think I don't even know what authentic love looks like...from a man or from a spiritual source.
Is it sugar or splenda?

Feeling like I've wasted two years of my life and my kids lives waiting and hoping for something that will not happen.

Feeling that going dark may likely be the death rattle of things between the STBX and I. If not from his end, then from mine.
I'm experienced in pretending people are dead or they never existed to me. I can forget people and have, so walking this fine line between polite disinterest and erasure will be very difficult for me, even with the evidence ( our children) in my daily existence.

I don't like or enjoy life much. I'm mostly going through the motions, working on basic survival matters, day to day existence.

It's almost funny. I was alone a lot in my marriage, mostly ignored, seldom engaged. Nonetheless I feel the loss of STBX's prescence badly.

[Queen_of_Swords]

There are some blatant positives in your sitch SC. I know you can't see them--you are really a tough cookie to reach at times.

This sentence came to my recall today LauraOh.
I wonder if you could expand on the positives you see?
I have a really difficult time seeing positives canted as I am to seeing the negatives and preparing for the worst.

[Queen_of_Swords]

In a different place today emotionally.
Resolute.
STBX just texted, and I heard the chime, saw the red light flashing and thought...Eff you.

Strange after so long just aching to have contact, any contact to end up at this.

[LauraOh]

Oh SC, you are all over the boards "looking".

And when people point out the many positives, you have your answers down pat.

None of which help you, none of which make things any different in your world.

You admit everywhere you have a hard time letting go of resentment, getting past your many grudges against your H, your pessimism is palpable.

Your poor H.

You have had far wiser, more capable posters than myself. They have told you over and over and over again to focus on the positives and lose the "Eyore attitude".

Because I lived with a "half glass full" kinda guy (OMG he TOLD me he was like this when I met him!! ), I can't tell you how DRAINING it is. I called him the "everlasting gobSUCKER" in my life, because he loves the movie Willie Wonka and he constantly sucked my joy and life.

I am becoming "Tigger". I am bouncing around in JOY because my eternal suck is becoming less and less and I am becoming more and more capable of dealing with things as they come up MYSELF. I have friends that are POSITIVE and JOYFUL to be around and I am NOT going back to the other for ANYTHING!

I NEVER hear on these threads that your H has the negativity and resentments--he doesn't seem to EVER snap at you, ever act ugly to you, he seems to ENJOY your interaction UNTIL you have another change of attitude (which is immediately felt by EVERYONE--not just him)

^^^^HUGE^^^^ POSITIVE^^^^

Sorry--not nearly as tactful as Jack or 25 or Brooklyn.

Hesitated for days about posting.

But realize--hey--won't be taken to heart anyway--what the heck!

(back to my bouncing!! Despite having a nasty dogbite and a water leak in my bathroom and no job and ....doesn't matter because my joy is set and I won't let ANYONE who wants to suck it away back into my life!)

[Queen_of_Swords]

Per my counselors advice I was to contine firing off the text message occasional greeting, even with going N/C.
So to instruction I have only fired off two greetings this week.
This morning I fired one off....and, he expressed a desire to see the kids more.
As it is he sees them once midweek for 4-5 hours, and every other weekend from late Friday afternoon to late Sunday afternoon. Generous by some standards.

I simply validated his desire to see our kids more.

However, what do I say if he keeps pushing?
This is what divorce/child custody looks like from my perspective, and this is his intent.

That he wants to renegotiate terms now that I'm seriously going N/C is interesting.

What do you all think?

[Twink]

As it is he sees them once midweek for 4-5 hours, and every other weekend from late Friday afternoon to late Sunday afternoon. Generous by some standards.

This is the usual visitation in my experience.

I simply validated his desire to see our kids more.

However, what do I say if he keeps pushing?
This is what divorce/child custody looks like from my perspective, and this is his intent.

Unless there are compelling reasons that he should not see them more often, or they do do not want to see him more often, you thank him for wanting to be more involved, and give a little more. To be fair, I have not read your complete thread, so I may be missing something, but in general I think children are far better off if they can have a decent relationship with both parents, regardless of their ages. I know mine are, and they are well into adulthood.

[Queen_of_Swords]

You admit everywhere you have a hard time letting go of resentment, getting past your many grudges against your H, your pessimism is palpable.

I know that I have a negative mindset. It's tremendous effort for me to see positives, and I do tend to easily dismiss them. I had no idea my pessimism is "Palpable".
I am working on changing that.

I NEVER hear on these threads that your H has the negativity and resentments--he doesn't seem to EVER snap at you, ever act ugly to you, he seems to ENJOY your interaction UNTIL you have another change of attitude (which is immediately felt by EVERYONE--not just him)

^^^^HUGE^^^^ POSITIVE^^^^

My H. is a decent and kind man, I have said often that I can recall.

Thank you for pointing that out. I have taken that for granted and focused on the other "stuff" that's not working.


I will think on what you said LauraOh.