Finally, after slogging for days through each of your threads, I finished reviewing your sitch. Each of ours has a different spin, but I have to say, what a saga yours has been. And Dude, I have to say I am sorry you've had to go through this. But each of us has to, so there it is.
Just a few observations ...
1) Hindsight is 20/20, but it appears each of you staying in the same house never allowed that introspective time for each of you to continue your journeys and begin healing. In effect, both of you became stuck in the same tunnel. And inside that tunnel, familiarity only bred contempt on her part as your W was constantly faced with her guilt. In the beginning she was very cordial, and I can see how you would be hopeful and want to stay in the marital home. Over time, your sitch deteriorated steeply, and ended up causing you immeasurable anguish and issues for your kids. That said, it is clear you did become the dad you knew you could be. Clearly, you are a good man with big, big heart.
2) I find it interesting that throughout all your threads, you never mention (until May 2011) the dating / R you had with other women. It is if you had compartmentalized this aspect of your life and hid it away. You poured your heart of about everything else, but never brought this to light. I wonder why? Just curious.
3) Your W is in such obvious pain. It is hard to say where she will end up. Her pain makes it evident how much she knows she's just how much and whom she is losing in this process. She just cannot understand why she's doing it. She's in the tunnel. So sad. I know you miss the old W. I bet she was a wonderful W and mother. I feel pain for your loss Eric. I really do. Maybe now she can finally continue her journey (and you too).
4) You definitely spent the time for soul searching (with great success I might add). You are in inspiration in being honest with one's self and making good use of those 2x4's!
5) Your sitch to continue living with your STBXW definitely handicapped you in many ways. I'm curious, what would you have done differently? Maybe nothing. You called your shots the best you could and played your cards as they were dealt. However, that is the past. The only questions now are how will you do things differently in the future?
6) I can see how both of us slowly killed our M's with our drive and ambition to provide for our families. Financially we were rock stars, and our intentions were nobel, but fundamentally flawed. Emotionally, we abandoned our W's and must now pay that price. I am sorry we both had to learn this lesson, but learn we must.
7) Your D is not yet final. Makes for a less than ideal summer with that always in the background. Keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing to take of yourself and your kids. I know you will.
