Feeling low this morning.. Its been a long week. Spent lots of time with friends. Worked of course. Spoke to H on the phone yesterday about some household stuff, then he started telling me about the bunkbeds he got for the kids (I teared up at that point, but we were on the phone), and having some other furniture being delivered today etc. I had been having a pretty good week trying to be cheerful around him etc, but every time he brings up his new house, its like I'm being stabbed by a knife. Anyways, I think he could tell I was a little sad about it but whatever. Friday night my 5yo had soccer - H met us there as he usually does. I had plans with my gfriends last night, and so he came back to the house after soccer to watch the kids (his house isn't quite ready for them to sleep there yet). Put the kids to sleep. I went to my room to get ready, he went outside to cut the grass. Peaked out a little while later and he was watering the grass too. He comes in eventually, showers and lies on our bed to watch tv as I finish getting ready. I was really good about making chit chat. i told him I had a guy come by earlier in the day to give me a quote on painting our house. I figured I am planning on painting the house before we sell it - which will probably be in the spring - so I might as well do it now and get to enjoy it. Anyways, we just chit chatted back and forth about nothing. At one point he commented that I should have waited to get dressed until he came in from cutting the grass.. I asked why? He smiled and said 'so I could watch'. That was him flirting. Which he hasn't done in about 2 months. Anyways, left it at that. I went out with my friends, came home pretty late. He slept over and got up with the kids in the morning so I could sleep. I didn't sleep in much and eventually made my way downstairs. He's SO GRUMPY. But he is always grumpy when he is taking care of the kids, he is grumpy b/c he didn't get to sleep in (he didnt say that but he is so used to sleeping in on the weekends, that he's not used to it). He's not a morning person at all either. And he's packing up all the kids stuff to take them to his new house. Lovely. Anyways, they just left, and I feel soo SO sad. Sadder than I have in a long time. Its like reality has suddenly slapped me across the face knowing our little boys are going to visit their Daddy's new house, which will be their new house too. Oh and my 5yo - although not upset - has been asking alot of questions as to why we are not moving with Daddy and why Daddy wants to be on his own etc. So my heart has been breaking a lot more than usual this week
I hate that it feels like he is always so mad at me. If you asked him, he would say he totally isn't and that he's just tired. Anyways, Im just sad today. I have the day to myself though, and I have a lot of errands to run, and plan everything for my baby's 2nd birthday next weekend. Its good to keep busy, but I do wish I could just relax instead. Sigh.
