Here is one : You are probably not going to be too proud or satisfied with whatever you do right now if its in reaction to your frustration/anger with your W.
Get to a better place, where it isn't about 'being walked over' and you'll probably make a better decision.
I think the phrase 'get out ahead of it' applies here. You are still trying to control the situation/your W by your actions. Its going to affect things, but I suspect not in the way you really want.
Everything she is doing is cr@ppy. Its horrible. Its disrespectful. It's total selfishness. This is true. But unless you want to make your relationship with her worse (which I suspect you might by taking the actions listed). I would keep focusing your creative energies inwards towards yourself. She isn't going to see things your way no matter what you do right now - she isn't going to 'snap out of it' because you expose the A. She may very use that information to further reinforce her position about why it was ok to do it.
If you think of it as waiting, then there is no benefit. But if you use this time to actively grow and work through/past your anger/frustration and to a place of relative balance:
1) You won't be in hell. 2) You are going to be far more effective at communicating what you need to communicate. 3) You won't say or do something you regret two weeks later.
I'm speaking from experience here, Johnnie. Learn from my mistakes.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Johnnie, if you are so sick of being "in limbo hell" that you want the m to end,
then go ahead and force her hand. I am NOT saying you shouldn't.
But If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that she'll leave and or file for divorce within days of your "boundary setting".
Thing is, you sound so angry that I doubt you're about to make a good decision.
Read aeo's post again...and as he says, learn from his mistakes.
That's why we post to you. We want you to learn from our mistakes and Not do what we found UNhelpful...
but it's your life. 2 thoughts to leave you with--
BEFORE you give her your ultimatum (and that's what it is)
1) think of your kids too. Maybe it is better to have her gone. Maybe not.
2) But don't think that her leaving or "this ending' means an end to your pain.
The hell you feel you are in, won't dissolve with her out of the house. You'll still have to get through this pain, not around it. Sorry, no short cuts.
This is why EVERYONE, regardless of their situation,
has told you to focus on YOURSELF and not on her.
You have to get yourself out of your hell. And stop thinking she'll apologize anytime soon, if ever. She's nowhere near thinking she's done something she didn't "earn". She may say she's sorry she hurt you, and that may have to be enough. Forgiveness is not done for her. It's your way out of hell.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She shouldn't be carrying on an affair WHILE she is still living in your house, right?
You could just simply tell her that it's time for her to look for somewhere else to live, that you are not ok sharing your home with her while she's involved with another person.
Period.
Now Johnny, this is NOT a chance for you to grandstand.
This is NOT a chance for you to condemn, make a point, show her how wonderful you are.
This is you laying down the law. It moves you STRONGLE closer to a divorce. But we recognize that divorce is not necessarily the end, right?
If you're going to do this and become a basket case while you try to pull it off, you better leave it alone.
If you're going to do this and be an unmitigated ass hole while doing it, you should probably put it off.
But if you simply can't take it anymore, nothing wrong with moving forward.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I can see your points both of you. I have not acted on any on my thoights. They are thoughts only right now.
I can only forgive if her A is over. Every time she goes out, anywhere, my mind starts racing. I am having physical anxiety symptoms manifesting now, and they are getting worse everyday.
At what point do I take action for my health and sanity?
She does not care about me, that's obvious.
I cannot live like this with the uncertainty. I have been as detached from her as I can be living in the same home, for 6 days now. All I want is for her to "stay away" from OM until we can discuss) and she at least tells me her thoughts. Right now though, I am paralyzed with ever worsening anxiety. I am just trying to come out alive.
I have discussed with professionals (DR., Priest, Lawyer, Therapist) to try to process my thoughts, feelings and formulate a plan of action. Until I am able to communicate my boundaries though, (I will not have 3 people in my marriage) I don't see the anxiety stopping.
Remember, I can't drive anywhere, due to my eyesight. That means every time she goes out, all I can think about is "is she going to see him?". "Where is she really going?" I have been working on myself to be a better me and am pleased with my progress to date. I will continue to follow that path. Also I will continue to give DR my best effort, but, without a plan to follow, I am barely existing.
The fact that my 2 girls are going to stay at my inlaws 8hrs away for two weeks today, is definitely adding to this also.
I cannot not have her here unless she ends this A.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Johnnie, I can't remember: are you on any sort of anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds? They REALLY help, and there's no shame in using them to help you deal with this difficult situation.
I would rather see you do that, and stay in your home, but if her continued infidelity is going to cause you emotional and even physical health problems, I would strongly consider telling her she needs to find someplace else to live within, say, 30 days, as Bill suggests.
No anti depressants. Just exercise, I went for a 2.5 hour walk this morning, dispute only getting 3.5 hours of sleep last night. My Dr. Suggested if I could take control by setting my boundaries, I would get through this. I am on other meds for a heart attack I had 4 years ago, although I am completely recovered and in the best shape of my life, I take them for preventative now.
I am still following the DB plan and trying to keep distance/detach. I may have backslid this morning, not sure. My W is going to be driving the 2 daughters to meet her parents half way and hand them off. It is about 7 hours round trip. As you all are well aware, gas is expensive. Since my W has not had many kids, in the daycare the last couple of weeks, she is feeling the lack of money crunch. So, I gave her 60 bux to help cover the cost of gas. She said no thanks, but I dropped it in her lap anyways. When I left for my walk, the money was still sitting there on the couch. When I got home 2.5 hours later, everyone was gone, but so was the money. I had been thinking about it the whole walk and expected it to still be there when I got home, but it wasn't. Is this a backslide I don't know, could she perceive it as Persuing???
I keep praying for God to give me the strength to move forward and be strong to make the right choices. That is at least one good thing that has come from this, is my recommitment to my religion. I'm sure I have listed my other 180s here b4 too. but if not, here they are: 1 Help around the house much more 2. Help the kids much more and be a better mentor 3. Lose weight (easy to do if you can't eat) down 41lbs at this point since Feb 4. New clothes (due to weight loss) 5. New cologne 6. Cut down on TV (65% reduction) 7. Make the bed EVERY morning 8. Reading self help books... Amazon loves me lately! 9. Patience demonstrated and lots of it (most proud of this) 10. No yelling 11. Speak with brain not heart(1 week now, this ones tough) 12. Prayers and 1 on 1 time with each kids at bedtime
Im sure there's more, when I notice I see something that needs doing, I do it. No more, my job/her job. I am really proud of my progress and now I feel like I am the man I want to be.
Anyways...
I'm beat! I think I may take a siesta...
Love to you all ...
J
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
your 180s sound really good. They are purposeful and specific so, well done!
Not sure what your GAL are other than exercise but you need them. Can you take a cab at least once a week to a class/seminar/club/meeting of some sort? IT would do wonders for your mind and ego/heart. You must pre-occupy yourself or you'll go nuts.
At one point I joined a writer's club, auditioned for plays, took a pottery class, worked out, used a tanning booth (It was Alaska in the winter), forced myself outdoors every day (no small feat) saw a T, and worked the hardest I have in my life, just to NOT feel like crap.
I know the driving thing is a drag. IS that a permanent deal? When my 89 y/o mom had to stop driving, my siblings pitched in to drive her somewhere once a week but my sister also found some FREE bus service through a church group that takes my mom to Bingo and another group that takes her to the community center. The place you live may have more than you realize, to help the legally blind. You are not alone there.
Can you ask the doctor for a prescription that won't hurt your heart? I cannot imagine that the stress and what our body does with that, is any good for your heart anyhow. I know at least one heart attack patient who takes anti-anxiety meds AND anti-depressants in part to cope with the stress of having a heart attack and what its' done to his marriage. (His wife is 20 years younger and not so happy--nice touch)
Johnnie, please see about that. Also if you can get an audio book (try the Power of Now by Eckart Tolle--sedating voice OMG--I could not drive when I listened to him--but he's soothing and there are parts of his book that truly calmed me down in this most terrible time--I'd go to sleep with it and another thing I found helpful for my "fury marches" --aka walks--was listening to optimistic music or an audio book on Handling Fear/Anger...so give it a shot).
Also, stop worrying about when you'll forgive and under what conditions. You are really confused about what it means and I understand that. I was too.
But when we say forgiveness is about you, we mean you have to do it so your life isn't consumed by the pain of an act SHE has done.
Right now, YOU are miserable b/c of something SHE has done.
Do you see how much power you are giving another person over your life?
You cannot control her and you cannot control the past. It happened. Let it go.
(I am NOT saying it's easy or that it's a fast process b/c it's neither). But you are
totally focusing on it, to YOUR detriment. It's like saying if it rains you'll be SO SAD...
You must be in charge of how your day goes, how you feel, how YOU cope w/life. NOT HER...
Will there ever be a day when she realizes how deeply hurt you are? I don't know. I like to think so. But if it ever happens, it will be far down the road.
You are clearly waiting for that and that's a mistake.
That's why we ALL say to focus on YOU and making yourself happy or at least not in so much pain.
If she had died, and you had already grieved, what would you do to make yourself happy? If you can imagine yourself being happy again, without her, what would that look like? Envision this. What would you be doing with your time and life? Be detailed in your visions.
Which of those things can you do NOW?
Let's begin that way.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I keep praying for God to give me the strength to move forward and be strong to make the right choices. That is at least one good thing that has come from this, is my recommitment to my religion.
Johnnie, you already have the strength. And you are gaining the wisdom to make better choices. Its a process and you are in the middle of it right now.
These things often feel like the wizard of oz -- the tinman wants a heart, the lion wants courage, the scarecrow wants a brain... they already have these things. They just don't see it and act accordingly in most situation.
25yearsmlc gave you some solid gold, and I don't think there is much to add to it. One way of looking at the $$ thing is that perhaps your W has some pride issues going on, and taking the $$ is possibly linked with that.
Its a decent thing of you to help her out with gas, and as long as you did it because it was decent (not pursuing w/ money/gifts) I don't know that its a backslide.
One idea, Johnnie, is to preload some of your decisions so when they come up you don't have to make it.
In programming, these are called "if then"statements. So make some.. "If I start thinking X about w, Then I will remind myself that I can't control other people and I am responsible for my happiness" or whatever works for you right now.
These kinds of things can be useful as a technique to further embed the idea that you are detaching for your well being.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
I'm still here. Reading the posts and trying to see what happened. You went from wanting to give her a formal appology to what seems to be a different place today.
You sound so weary and I hope you can get some rest.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
