my heart is breaking

[kermitdfrog]

Thank you 25

I always appreciate your advice. I do have a couple of things that I don't agree entirely on.


First, I understand what you are saying about my H's actions not being new. However, I don't agree that he is only trying to be a nice guy. Believe me, there have been plenty of occasions where he has been the farthest thing from nice. Many of his words have been downright cruel. And believe me, he always seems to weigh his words and actions very carefully.
Even correcting me if I say something that sounds too "hopeful". The last thing he seems to want to do is give me hope.

In addition, my DB coach said those little gestures are precisely the things I SHOULD pay attention to. She said the "big" things and dramatic words are likely not genuine (both positive and negative things) but the small gestures and small slips of the tongue are more likely to be subconscious and therefore real. The WAS is often confused. Yes, he filed, but I pushed him into that decision during a MC session. (don't remember if I described that incident here. It's too long to get into, but it was an ultimatum of sorts) He may have very well made that decision on his own later. Who knows. But all I know is that both our MC and my L have said that his behavior is not consistent with a man who is clear on his decision. And you told me yourself, that 1/3 of divorces filed never go through. So filing doesn't have to be the end of the story.

Now, please understand that I am not a fool. I see the reality and it is that unless something drastically changes, he will divorce me. But I am hoping and praying, Which brings me to my next point.

I don't ever want to force my belief on anyone else. I can only share what I feel. And I do believe prayer can change people's hearts. And I have been told this by pastors and our biblical counselor. I believe God wants my marriage, and all others, restored. I believe he is speaking to my H. Having said that, my H has a choice to make. If he chooses not to listen to God, and divorces me, than I believe God will use that for good. In fact, I believe that is precisely the great thing about DB. No matter the outcome of my marriage, I have absolutely grown as a person. So many people have commented on how much I have changed and grown. Regardless of what H does, that is definitely good. And a blessing.

And, after all, this is called Divorce Busters. I am not for one moment going to pretend that I don't want to "bust my divorce". I think we all do or we wouldn't be here. And one of the rules is "Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel"

So I continue to have hope and try to see the positives. One of the complaints my H had about me is that I am too negative. So I am trying to see the glass as half full. I choose to see glimmers of hope in some of my H's words and actions, but I am still guarded, believe me.

I have no clue what is up with him not answering the kids yet. I can imagine both negative and positive reasons for this. So I just try not to speculate. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I always listen, and you have always helped a lot.