I am the devil....

[25yearsmlc]

couple things Tad....first, you need a hug

(((( ))))....okay, done.

Now for the gentle LOVING SUPPORTIVE rest of the post.

Just to name a few things my h said in his MLC that I recall verbatim, so you know that while your w may be batchit, you must not spend your energy on the crazy stuff.

The crazy comments deserve nothing more than a chuckle. The valid things need addressing. If you've truly done that, SERIOUSLY, then Move on...

(At one point I wanted to have a thread for just Wacky MLC comments" );

H & I had the following conversations, and I'm quoting pretty much exactly.

H: I thought you'd be in the senate by now (the United States Senate, folks). You've underachieved...

H: why haven't you written a best selling novel or screenplay yet? Or at least have your own show...

Conversation held while I painted a bathroom:

M: do you realize if you leave, there's a good chance you'll lose your family?

H: guess I'm willing to take that chance.

(H denies he'd "ever say anything like that". I now believe he honestly has no recall of it.)


M: H, do you think d's care more about the money you earn,
or time together as a family?

H: they'll care about our 401k being fully funded...

another day...

H: Even if we do divorce I'll just come here & win you back...

H: you & the kids will see I'm right when we JET SET ALL OVER THE GLOBE

H: You've always wanted me to be miserable.

H: You just want me to be miserable.

H: you've always held me back

H: you don't want me to make anything of myself

H: you'll never make anything of yourself...

(H is a board cert MD. Before that he was a DVM. I'm a L
& earn 6 figures. I am NOT a US Senator-sigh).


Tad, since I know I am not a loser or underachiever

(and even if I were, IF it was good enough for h for decades, how bad could it have been?)

I am not going to let his "flawed data" get to me.

BUT I ADMIT, I DID RUMINATE ABOUT IT ALL BACK THEN

Finally I got good T, who helped me figure out what was "real data" and what wasn't. For instance,
H's Saying I "always wanted him miserable" is crazy and untrue. I knew that then...but it still hurt.

I had to let go of it since contemplating it really was pointless & painful.

Worse, it's self inflicted pain.

A good deal of your present day pain is self inflicted

That's what we want you to see b/c that's what you control.

Please be kinder to yourself. By that I mean, take some gentle self protective steps

such as NOT looking at fb

(BTW, as an aside--may I point out how INaccurate your take on this is anyhow...who posts SAD looking pics of themselves? NO ONE. So they've already screened out the NON highlights of their lives.

ALso I have very few pics of my h and I in my FB albums. Usually one of us is taking the pic, plus h doesn't like unflattering pics (nor do I) getting posted.

I mostly check in w/friends, or post jokes (I write comedy as an avocation and YES, I'm Funny, damn it!!) my latest rants on topical matters, etc.

There's very little info about my R's in my fb page. Too personal really.

SO, aside from NOT looking at her FB page anymore, also don't read so much negativity into what you saw anyhow.

Honestly, Unless and until she changes her relationship status to "SINGLE AND LOVING IT!", what diff does it all make?

As for her "coming around" or out of her MLC...

I concede two lines of thought.

On one hand, we cannot expect linear movement from a MLCer to home.
It's not a clear path from them to us.

OTOH, without some clarity AND over some time,

I would not be interested in changing or re-assessing anything on my end...

b/c what's to react to? Is there a question being asked of you by her?

IF SHE IS COMING AROUND...

What difference would it make in your detachment work?

It would mean what you were doing isn't hurting your cause...so stay the course...

what you are really asking us is an impossible question, and it's whether we see any hope.

We cannot say anything for certain. But even if you were a newly happily M,

there would be no guarantees you'd remain that way.

My suggestion-
Finding a job needs to be your priority b/c your self esteem seems based on two things:

your employment status and your perception of her opinions of you.

You control both of those things.

So Get that job, and stop using her words or apparent lack of interest in you, as a reflection of your self worth. They are not. That's "flawed data".

While you perceive her as being so happy, maybe she's just busy...

(I read that most depression is really a sense of purposelessness)

My h was so preoccupied in his new work, that he often didn't call the kids for days. Or see them/us for weeks and this went on for 2 years.

I now think my h ached for us a lot more than I realized at the time.

Until he and I really started reconnecting (after he admitted he was depressed), he seemed very busy and upbeat and lacked the time and energy for R work.

He had a demanding new intense job when he left us, so there were certainly times he spent NOT thinking of us, & that's to be expected...

there were few reminders of us when he was doing a surgical procedure and lived in a brand new environment.

Does your w's job contain family centered activities likely to remind her of you and your sons? I didn't think so..so she has things to think about OTHER THAN YOU and YOUR M...you are surrounded by reminders of your previous life.

it's a lot better for the mental/emotional health of the LBSer

when we have jobs and activities and people that occupy our minds too.

(Hence the GAL-which I think mandates activities involving meeting people, preferably new ones...

Again, that's something YOU have control over.


Others have said you should find work that you like and pursue it (& of course that's Plan A) but

even if you're not financially hurting, I say

just GET A JOB and get your MIND OFF of HER

and money coming in...make sense?

I mean this part seems clear to me.

TAD, You may find that
only when you have your awakening, an awakening that takes your mind/heart off of her, and realize

finally, fully, that you can AND WILL be happy with or without her,

can she afford to take a hard look at her choices, and have her own awakeningi.

Ironic, a paradoxic, but true.

Only when you really let her go and are at peace can you hope to have her return.

There are never guarantees in R's and some never wake up, but of the ones who have awakened and reconciled, this seems to be a common theme

and even if she never returns, you will be happier regardless.