I think you should tell him "Considering this is where OW lives, and you've lied to me multiple times before about your relationshp with her, I have no other choice than to believe that you're wanting to go there to be with her. Considering how tenuous our marriage is right now, do you really think this is the best decision?"
All you can do, Rileybug, is make this YOUR boundary. "I cannot feel safe in a marriage where my husband is transferring to a distant city -- the same city as a woman with whom he's been having an affair, and lied to me about it. If that's what you choose to do, then I guess we both have some serious decisions to make, because I won't live like that." (or something similar)
Riley, HE is the one who has lied to you and cheated on you. It's up to HIM to make YOU feel comfortable in your marriage again, not the other way around. What has he shown he is willing to do to EARN BACK your trust?
I think it would be very interesting to have your own conversation with his boss, and find out if this assignment was something that was OFFERED to your husband, or something that he proactively SOUGHT.
Thanks for the reply Starsky. I do know he was approached about the position. I know the individual that approached him about the assignmnet and am certain he did not seek it out. H is very excited and talked about how he and the boss man discussed how this would open many doors here after he did the rotation.
H also asked me if I would consider going with him even though it would be only for six months and effect our youngest who is starting kindergarden. He felt is would be an exciting experience for the whole family and the thoughout of being away from the kids that long would be very difficult not only on him but on them as well. He also discussed having his mom fly up to stay a week so we could travel to NY for a long weekend.
I am more up for the whole family going then him leaving and going on his own. The idea of him up there living like a bachleor and me here taking care of everything would only lead to more resenment on my part and I don't know if we could make it. I could ask him not to take the position but that would only lead him to resent me.
I am having such a flux of emotions. I think it would be a great experience for the family living in crystal city for a few months but on the flip side the timing is horrible. We are in such an uncertain state right now (at least in my mind, I think he is in denial trying to brush everything under the rug).
Please consider carefully that you have been here before, several times, and it was the lack of boundaries that got you into your current mess. Whether or not you go with him, you need to convey to him how you feel about him going to OW's city.
I did make if very clear why I was upset about the rotation. I again went over my boundries and he agreed. At this point I don't know if we are piecing or what. He says he is committed to us, but he is not showing any real signs of trying to improve the relationship. He is just here going through the motions. I don't know how hard to push and if I should still be avoiding r talks. They don't help if I bring things up it just makes him shut down.
At this point I feel like giving up. I can't live in a marriage where my needs are not being met. I don't know if it will come with time as has stopped talking with ow. He is not affectionate at all, which is my primary love language and it is killing me. I feel if I am becoming the WAW. I feel like I am giving 100% and he is just here physically.
Also in mc do I bring up my sadness and feelings of giving up or do I keep using the DB principles. It is so confusing. I don't know how honest to be in mc aside from my boundries with ow. Do I tell him I am scared and need him to meet my needs? I feel if I show my uncertantiy about the marriage it will just reinforce his thoughts of giving up and moving on.
Do I tell him I am scared and need him to meet my needs? I feel if I show my uncertantiy about the marriage it will just reinforce his thoughts of giving up and moving on.
Riley, we can't demand of another human being -- even our spouse -- that they meet our needs. All we can do is communicate honestly WHAT we need, in a spouse, and then it is entirely up to them if they think they are up for it.
"I need a husband who is _______, ________ and ________ . You've frankly done little during our marriage to show that you are capable of that, and if you're not, that's okay, but I need to start being more honest about what I need in a partner going forward. Please have the courtesy and respect of letting me know if you feel you can begin working toward providing these, probably with the help of a MC, or not, so we both can begin making some decisions to get on with what's left of our lives."
That's what I would do. "I love you, but I value MYSELF too much to continue on in a loveless, affectionless marriage, characterized by periods of deep deceit from my own husband" is basically what I would try to convey, IF that's truly what I felt and decided.
"I need a husband who is _______, ________ and ________ . You've frankly done little during our marriage to show that you are capable of that, and if you're not, that's okay, but I need to start being more honest about what I need in a partner going forward. Please have the courtesy and respect of letting me know if you feel you can begin working toward providing these, probably with the help of a MC, or not, so we both can begin making some decisions to get on with what's left of our lives."
That's what I would do. "I love you, but I value MYSELF too much to continue on in a loveless, affectionless marriage, characterized by periods of deep deceit from my own husband" is basically what I would try to convey, IF that's truly what I felt and decided.
Only YOU can make that decision, though.
Starsky
That is very good Starsky. I'm beginning to believe that something along these lines might be on the horizon in my own sitch.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Do a search for Pearlharbor's old threads. She was very successful in using this method with her long-term boyfriend. Just kept holding the bar up for him, saying "this is what I need," and DIDN'T try to "sell" him on it, just set the bar there and left it in his lap.
It can be a very powerful technique, but even if it's NOT successful, the beauty of it is, THIS IS WHAT YOU NEEDED ANYWAY. So you really have nothing to lose, if your list of two or three basic emotional needs are indeed your "Boundaries of Personal Integrity."
Well I tried to talk to h last night about my needs and what I was struggling with lately. I started off by naming some positive changes with us and then mentioned how I have felt he had been withholding affection and often cold with me. The conversation quickly went down hill and circled around to ow discussion.
He stated he was just not happy and didn't know what he wanted anymore. He was trying to give us time but it seems that is not enough for me. I tried to validate his feelings but also stated that being phscially here was not enough for me at this point. Ihave been here for 7 months tryi g to be patient and save our marriage while he lied and deceived me much of that time. He stated his trying was having no contact with ow any longer. He also threw in how he missed his friend meaning ow, nice.
I again asked if he wanted us to go to dc with him and he said of course. I asked him what he wanted and he gave his standard response I don't know. I asked if he still loved me and he said yes of course. The convo ended with him saying everyone says it takes time and that's what I'm doing. After a long silence he stated he was going to bed and got up. He reached to hug me and held me for several seconds.
We have a mc today. Should be interesting. He is losing interest in it, saying we know what we need to do, I just don't have the motivation. I find it helpful to have a mediator to keep us from going down the cheese tunnels.
You and your husband engage in a lot of "fuzzy" communication. That's not a knock (my wife and I do the EXACT same thing!) -- just an observation.
One of the things you need to try to communicate to him is that "I don't know" = "NO" when you ask him for no contact with OW, and to work on your marriage, unencumbered by the influence of a third party. Like a rebellious teenager, "I don't know" needs to, quite simply, be taken OFF THE TABLE as a valid response.
I'm a little confused by what you meant here:
Quote:
He stated his trying was having no contact with ow any longer.
If he's saying "I'm 'trying' by agreeing to have no contact with OW," then that's fine -- you should cement that by requiring that he send OW a no-contact letter (the copy to be approved by you, and to be delivered by you), and agree to a transparency plan with you.
If, however, he's saying "I'm 'trying' by TRYING to maintain no-contact with OW," then I'm sorry, that's not good enough. No-contact is a DECISION, and as that funny little guy on Star Wars said, "There is no 'try' . . . only 'do.' "
Quote:
The convo ended with him saying everyone says it takes time and that's what I'm doing.
If it were me, I'd try to pin him down on this. Yes, once he agrees to no-contact with OW (and to a transparency plan with you that ensures that it's maintained), it's going to take time for him to get "those" feelings back for you -- maybe as much as 6-24 months ("ouch," I know, but I'm being realistic here). But that's a HUGE difference from not agreeing to end all contact with OW, and just see if his feelings for you magically reappear. They won't. OPs have a very strong emotional and even physiological (chemical) influence on a wayward spouse's brain, and he's going to remain emotionally blocked to you as long as he's in contact with her.
I know this is really, REALLY hard, but his hugs at the end of these exchanges are his way of reeling you back in, and "making sure ol' Rileybug is OK with all of this." You need to pull waaaaayy back from him, in my opinion, until he confronts some of these boundaries that you've laid out, and gives you some clearer indication of what he intends to do. Remember, YOU'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE -- SEVERAL TIMES -- and the definition of "insanity" is "doing the same things over and over again, and expecting a different result."
Starsky
P.S. If you want to cut thru all the clutter of my verbage above, you may want to consider saying to him "Well, 'I don't know' doesn't work for me anymore, so I need to know what your intentions are regarding this marriage, and I need to know very soon. Otherwise, we both have some important decisions to make. I'm going to bed, goodnight." (and then walk out, with NO HUGS)
