Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I won't have much time for even really pursuing my martial arts training anymore.

You scare me on so many levels. : )

...I realize that may sound mean. Not intended.

You are formidible. You are smart. You'll argue your point to a fault (my opinion) and you know how to kill someone with your hands. As a newbie, you got me to think differently.

...you're actually kind of intimidating, and I consider myself a confidant guy.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Aww, but Jack, you know I'm really a sweetheart!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I belive you are.

I still have my concerns mostly about the armour you wear.
And of course, the name you chose.

Who names themself after monsters that destroyed the unwary?

[Queen_of_Swords]

LOL I explained that before Jack.
I'm the one caught between those two monsters. Maybe I should have called myself Scylla-Caughtbetween-Charibdis...but I don't think the field for names is big enough for that

As far as the armor. Survival Jack, I developed that armor to survive as a child.

I'll explain what was taught to me.
Have you heard of Eric Erikson's developmental phases of childhood?

One of the first tasks/lessons that we have to complete as children is that of Trust. Trust that the world is a safe and nurturing place. Trust that our needs will be met by our parents. That we are acceptable just for who we are as infants ( *Note: we can suffer rejection in the womb at 6 months gestation, especially if our mothers had us out of wedlock, didn't want to be pregnant, or were abused during pregnancy). This lack of learning to trust also affects our spirituality in that we don't trust in a benevolent God, or even that their is one.

I never learned that lesson Jack. As an infant I was already rejected for various reasons as I could percieve it
(kinesthetically/chemically via maternal stress hormones) Growing up for me the world was uncertain, my needs were often unmet, and adults capricious and often cruel.

I have to learn trust. That's hard if you have always had to be suspicious of motives, watch for abuse/mistreatment, or had to adapt to any threat on a dime.

I'm getting there Jack, but this is not easy to do.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I know you have explained it. Could always give it a shot and see if the field is big enough. : )


No not that armour.

The academia, knowledge, professor, super intelligent, keep things distant and clinical armour. My POV.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Ok, I see what you're getting at.
Yeah that's a defence if things get too painful for me.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You kept that simple to prove a point. : )

Thank you.

[Queen_of_Swords]

I know that about myself Jack.
It's like flipping a switch for me.
Turn analysis on, turn feelings off.

[dl443322]

SC, I wanted to share something with you about trust, if I may.

I grew up with an alcoholic mother. She was neglectful, abusive, negative. I woke up each day praying. I prayed that that was the day my mother quit drinking. I prayed that that was the day that she would be the "nice" mother. I prayed that she would love me the way a mother should.

Each and every day of my life growing up, how my mother was that day, dictated what kind of day I would have.

I spent each day trying to be perfect because I thought that would make her stop drinking. I spent each day being as quiet as I could. I did everything I could to make her like me.

None of it worked. I know now why, of course. But back then, I didnt.

So, imagine a little girl waking up and seeing your mother passed out on the floor. Imagine a little girl listening to her mother scream at her for hours on end. Imagine making your bed and having your mother rip all the blankets off and redoing it and being told that you couldnt do anything right.

I could go on and on. Imagine the worst and add ten times more to it. That was my life.

I tell you this because I, too, never learned how to trust. I learned how to always expect the worst.

But, I knew that if I was to have a shot at a healthy marriage, I had to trust my h. And so I worked hard and I learned to trust him.

Then MLC hit and the affair and the money and all the other things he did to blew that trust out of the water.

You would think that I would never trust anyone again. Here's the thing. I do. I trust me.

I now know that it may happen again. Me trusting and getting hurt. But I also know that I will survive it.

I am not going to lie. I still have a hard time letting people in. It takes a lot for me to trust someone. It takes a lot for me to be vulnerable enough to let someone get close.

But I do. It is a choice I make. I do not want my world to be one in which I put up walls or armour out of fear. That is not living.

So, I may get hurt again. But, I will be ok. I am stronger. I can handle it.

Dont live your life being afraid of being hurt. You will miss out on so many things.

It is a choice, SC. and a belief in yourself.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks for your personal testimony Brooklyn I appreciate your perspective. You're right. Trust is a choice in the end.

Seems like we've had similar upbringings with similar challenges, except for a few things.

My Dad was the terrifying, raging, capricious, demanding, narcissitic alcoholic when he was around.

My mother just as negative as yours, perfectionistic like yours, screaming constantly at her children and overwhelmed by it all.

(That isn't to say they didn't have good qualities as well it's just what I remember most.)

It affected us in good ways and in bad but especially in our ability to trust others, the universe and God.

I'm not yet where you are Brooklyn, my own trust in myself has been badly shaken.
My trust in my ability to discriminate between the authentic people from the inauthentic is growing, but still needs refinement.
The assumptions/beliefs in what I thought was true about the world and my place in it are often not. I'm in a reassement phase.

I'll get there, but I'm not there yet.