That is some serious wisdom from both Starsky and MHL.
Rileybug....read it, then read it again and again. Then live it.
I'm taking much from your thread.
Remember that life will get better despite the storm you find yourself in.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Thanks for all the advice. It is hard to hear but I know it is true. I am not ready at this point to tell him to hit the door, but realize I need to detach and gal like crazy. Not only for me but for my kids. I was once so independent and now it is "like the air" is being sucked out of me when I think of my marriage ending.
It is so hard to get these glimmers of hope from him and see things improving only for it to go to down hill a few weeks later. It should be interesting at our mc session tomorrow. I have no idea how that will go.
Is it possible to detach and gal while he is still living here? At this point we can not afford to seperate and we just rented out our other house yesterday so he can't go there.
It is so hard to deal with his swings...once minute he is talking about our beach vacation in the fall with his family and planning weedend activities and the next he is talking about how depressed he is. I am just so angry with him at this point and sit and analyze everything he says and does. Did he kiss my bye this morning, did he say I love you first etc.....I need to get myself together. I can't wait around for him to save me!
Is it possible to detach and gal while he is still living here? At this point we can not afford to seperate and we just rented out our other house yesterday so he can't go there.
It is possible, however you have to have a clear, calm adult conversation with him about what reconciliation will look like....
What are the goals???
What do you need???
What does he need???
What can you guys expect to happen???
How long will it take????
How are you guys going to handle conflict when it comes up. (and it will)
Before you discuss your Marriage in front of the counselor I would seriously suggest writting down your expectations moving forward......
meaning things you can accept
and things you WILL NOT accept.
Write them down, review them, post them here.
then go to marriage counseling.......
establish the ground rules and what you both expect moving forward.
The challenge here is to be brutally honest without FEAR.
Fear is driving you right now,
Fear that you are going to do or say something that is going to send him right out the door again, and you are going to loose your "air".
Thing is when you "hold back" out of fear......you really don't hold back because it manifests itself in other ways and eventually you get frustrated and blow your top.........
and then he leaves
and you loose your air.
The steps that Starsky is proposing is so you don't have those outbursts, so you don't go crazy, so you don't act like a child yourself.......make sense????
Oh, BTW. it is okay to tell your H that you "need" your boundaries and you need to verify so that you don't do the things that he dislikes, meaning the outbursts. The Boundaries are for you not to control him........but you have to be prepared to enforce them......meaning you have to be prepared to stop the process, disengage and otherwise shut him out if he violates your boundaries.
This is best laid out with a marriage counselor and it is best if you are reading from something that you have written previously......keeps the emotions at bay.
You can do this under the same roof, with boundaries and
a whole lot of TIME and Patience.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
As far as boundries what would they look like besides;
1. No contact with ow 2. If other women contacts him he has to tell me. 3. Decrease his drinking
There are a lot of things I want him to do but they are not boundies. I want him to be more supportive, show me more affection, demonstrate he is here...not one foot out the door. Are these things I should express at our mc at this point?
Today has been a really hard day. I find myself crying for no particular reasons throughout the day. I am trying to see the positive steps....he is wearing his ring, sleeping in our bed, asking my advice on different matters.
But is just seems so false right now. I have so little hope. His mom is driving down this afternoon and when I asked him what he wanted to tell when we had to leave for our mc session he said tell her the truth...no reason to lie. I guess that kind of deflated me, I don't know why. I guess him not caring if his family knows we are in mc scares me. Mind reading is not a good thing.
I just don't know how to act at this point...pull back, remain upbeat.
Don't beat yourself up. You are crying because your world is upside down. It is normal to feel that way. Go for a walk or do something else to try to take your mind off your sitch. I know, easier said than done.
I'm probably going to screw this up, but believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Besides, every minute wasted on him, is a minute you can use on yourself.
Ramble away. That's what we are all here for.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I haven't posted in a while. Things are just holding steady. No real changes good or bad. H still has bee distant and his drinking is about the same...about 6 pack during the week and twice that on the weekend. We have briefly talked about it but he sees no major problem with it, he is in denial and does not see how it only addeds to his depression.
We spent the weekend with various friends and their families. I don't believe he is talking with OW and hasn't in about a month. I don't know if his current distance is due to depression related to not talkig with OW or if he just doesn't want to be here.
I am trying to let go and work on myself, stay busy, and stop trying to prove to H we have a great life worth fighting for. I still have times I wish my H would get out of this fog. I miss the way we used to snuggle, kiss, and hold each other. I think him being so cold toward me is one of the toughest parts.
Things have been going along ok. No r talks, he is still not affectionate but is engaging in family activities. He emailed me to let me know he was going to be late and is helping around the house.
We even had a few short talks initiated by him about our future, moving somewhere new, our vacation in the fall.
Then yesterday he comes home from work and tells me he may have an opportunity to due a short term rotation at the pentagon. I was in shock...this is something he has wanted to do for years but the kicker is the ow lives in DC. That is the last place I want to move to even for just a year. I asked him if he would take it if they offered it and he immedialty said yes. I told him I was a little shocked he would consider it now with everything going on. I asked him if he was committed to us and he said I am here aren't I . I said that didn't answer my question. He said yes I am committed to us. I then stated that moving to where his mistress lives is a major concern for me. He then stated to you want to live in AL the rest of your life and I said no. I never said I was opposed to moving but DC concerns me greatly. I also pointed out how during the conversation he focused on only how this was a good opprotunity for him and how it would effect him. I said what about me and your two kids. He then went into how much there is to do in DC for kids. It was a very short conversation. I did not get emotional and remained calm when taling with him.
He is meeting with the boss today at 11:00 I am praying that he does not offer him this rotation and it is about some other program.
I can't imagine even picking up my life and moving with two small kids to DC at this time. I would have to give up my part-time contract work which is amazing and lose any ability to support my kids if H did decide to leave.
Well H just called me to tell me about the meeting. His boss does want him to do the TDY in DC for 6 months. It is a great opportunity for his career but a disaster for us in my opinion. He was very excited about it and I did not voice any negative feelings when he was telling me about it. I simply asked what this meant for the kids and me if it was a short term placement. He said they would not pay for a house or apartment for short term placements and would probably put him up in a long term type hotel placement. I said that it would be really hard on the kids ( ages 5 and 4). He said he could fly home often since tickets were cheap and we could come up during school breaks like fall break. That was about all we had time to talk about since he was headed to another meeting.
I am just so lost as what to do at this point. The thought of him in the same city as ow kills me. I know in my heart they will begin the A again given the chance. If I tell him not to go he will resent me and that will not help our situation. I just don't know what to do. Please someone give me some advice!!!
